Friends and Lovers
by Ultrawoman
Summary: COMPLETE Fantasy AU (no slayers, no vamps) William ‘Spike’ Jones and Elizabeth ‘Buffy’ Summers have been best friends for years, but things have a tendency to change when people fall in love... [my first ‘all human’ Buffy fic] eventually Spuff
1. My Best Friend

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A/N : Okay, I said I would have a new fic for you soon, and here it is. Not sure how often I'll update or how well this will turn out but I have a good feeling about it so far, I hope everyone who reads this first chapter likes it enough to review and keep reading when I post more :-)

Title : Friends and Lovers

Author : Ultrawoman

Rating : PG-13

Spoilers : none (completely AU)

Pairings : B/S, some B/A, possibly some W/X later

Feedback : Yes, please, I crave the reviews!

Summary : Totally AU (no slayers, no vamps) William 'Spike' Jones and Elizabeth 'Buffy' Summers have been best friends for years, but things have a tendency to change when people fall in love... [my first 'all human' Buffy fic]

Disclaimer : The characters in this story are AU versions of those created by Joss Whedon for the TV show Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

Chapter 1

"Please Spike, I hate it when you yell at me!" Elizabeth, affectionately known to her friends as Buffy, was fuming as she slammed from the kitchen to the living room, leaving the door swinging violently.

"Yelling is the only way I can get through to you these days!" retorted an English voice, a few seconds before it's owner caught up with it. The bleach blond, undeniably gorgeous man, strutted into the room, scowling at the girl in front of him.

"Who said I need you to 'get through to me' ?!" the young woman yelled back, hands on hips and eyes flashing all shades of anger, "Who said I want your opinion on my life?!"

"Buffy," Spike's eyes and voice both softened as her angry words hit him painfully, "You are my best friend, and you have been almost all my life" he sighed, "I can't just sit back and watch you get hurt"

It was true. From the age of five when they'd first met, Elizabeth Summers and William Jones had been inseparable. Where there was Buffy, there was Spike, and that hadn't changed, even now, almost twenty years on.

Right through education, high school, college, first jobs, boyfriends and girlfriends, loves and losses, absolutely everything they'd done, they had done together. Best friends in the greatest sense of the words, but never anything more. It was not that it had never occurred to the pair that they could be great lovers if they were such great friends, but neither would risk losing the other by gambling on possible romantic feelings.

By the time they left college, Spike had had his first serious romantic relationship start and finish. Drusilla was everything Buffy wasn't. Raven haired, dark eyed, older and more experienced in the ways of the world than Spike, despite the way he behaved and pretended to be so clever and cool. Eighteen months the pair lasted, seventeen and a half months too long as far as Buffy was concerned, but she never dared to insult the dangerous looking girl to her face, or even to Spike.

It was only when the black clad princess disappeared, with Spike's best male friend no less, that Buffy let rip about her feelings on the subject of Drusilla's short-comings. There was talking and crying, that Spike was highly ashamed of afterwards, and the consumption of various healing liquids, known to most as alcoholic drinks.

Buffy and Spike grew closer again after Dru walked away, closer than they'd ever been perhaps, but then the female side of this pair took her turn at love.

William O'Connor, Liam to his family and Angel to his friends. Oh how Buffy loved the ponce, and how Spike hated him. The only similarity the two men shared was first name and apparent love for a certain Miss Summers company.

From the beginning of the relationship, over a year ago now, Spike despised him. He just knew there was something about this guy that was wrong, something untrustworthy, something...just something! He didn't trust him, simple as that, and unable to conceal his opinion, Spike told Buffy all about his lack of faith in Angel's honesty.

"You don't know him like I do" she'd told him, "You'll really like him if you just try. Please try for me Spike" those pleading puppy dog eyes of hers was what had done it and her best friend had folded like a piece of paper. Couldn't bear to see her unhappy, never. 

When they were kids, barely out of kindergarten, and a very young Buffy had fallen in the playground, running towards the swings, Spike remembered the tears in her eyes she was desperate to conceal, the way her lip quivered, she was desperate not to be weak and cry. He'd helped her up from the floor, over to the swings and sat her down, and spent the next hour rocking her back and forth on said swing, instantly drying up her tears and making her smile, laugh even when he pushed her harder and made her fly up into the air.

Spike shook his head to bring himself back to the present as the young woman before him seemed to become that child again right before his eyes. Lip quivering, eyes shining with unshed tears.

"You don't want me to get hurt" she choked out, "but you're the one hurting me by acting this way"

It was all her friend could do not to cry himself. The last thing he ever wanted to do was make her cry, to hurt her, God knows the bugger she was dating did enough of that.

The scum they called Angel, that Spike personally called many other names that were decidedly more derogatory, used Buffy, and everyone knew it, except the poor blind girl herself. He took her out in the beginning, to fancy restaurants, nice hotels after a while, but it ended quickly and he stopped calling. Buffy would call him, leave messages, desperate to see this man she knew she was falling in love with. Spike tried to reason with her, her other friends did too, telling her he wasn't worth it, but she protested that he was, despite the fact she cried herself to sleep at night because of him, and almost passed out several times because she'd spent so long waiting for the phone to ring she'd forgotten to eat.

When he deigned to call or arranged to see her, it was mostly for sex, Spike knew that was true. For conversations sake he would ask where they went on their latest date and Buffy often admitted they'd never left her apartment. It was clear to everyone Buffy and Angel did not have a real relationship, that he was using her for convenience. She wouldn't believe it, but she soon learnt the truth, the terribly painful truth.

There was a Mrs O'Connor, and that wasn't Angel's mother. He had a wife, a spouse he treated appallingly but who loved him all the same. For a while she had left him and that's when he'd met Buffy, never telling her he was a married man. Darla, Angel's wife, returned to him and for a while he couldn't risk seeing his new girlfriend. As soon as the coast was clear though, he'd started seeing Buffy again, but the arrangement becoming about lust rather than love, on the male side at least.

Buffy believed herself to be in love and truly believed that Angel felt the same way about her. Despite her friends telling her he didn't seem trustworthy or he wasn't worth her time or that she was naive and stupid if she continued to see him, Buffy was not deterred. She told her girl-friends they were jealous of her man, but she couldn't say that to Spike. She admitted maybe Angel wasn't perfect, but no-one was and she did love him and he did love her, she said, completely oblivious to the fact she was 'the other woman'.

Knowing something was wrong, but not really knowing what, Spike made it his business to find out. It didn't take much. A call to the office where he worked, ask the right questions, get the right answers. The phone receiver almost shattered in his hand, he gripped it so hard when he realised the truth. His best friend, his precious Buffy, was being used as a mistress, a bit on the side, by this married piece of filth.

Spike waited a couple of days before he told the truth to Buffy. Part of him wanted to tell her immediately but how to say it? How do you tell your best friend that the man they love is just using them for sex? Spike admitted to himself if no-one else that he would gladly have pummelled Angel within an inch of his life before now, given half the chance, but now he knew this despicable truth, he no longer wanted to beat him up - he wanted him dead.

Realising it was never going to happen and that he was being ridiculous, Spike knew he had to deal with the real world, with Buffy. She had to know he truth, even if it hurt her. So he told her, straight out;

"Buffy, Angel's using you. He has a wife"

She'd screamed, she'd cried, called him a liar, and it all hurt, but nothing as much as knowing that it was him, his words, that had made her so distraught. She'd run from his apartment and he respected her enough not to give chase. She needed time alone to think.

That was two days ago, and now here they were again, standing opposite each other in his living room, tears streaming down her face, another shouting match and again it was about him. 

They'd started off okay. He asked where she'd been, she said nowhere much. She apologised for yelling, he said he was sorry he had to tell her something so awful. Then she dropped the bombshell.

"I'm still seeing Angel y'know"

Five words, and they almost knocked Spike clean off of his feet. That was when the yelling had started. How could she still be seeing him when she knew the git was married?! Was she completely off her bird?! Could the silly bint not see when she's being used?!

Buffy protested that Angel really did love her and he wasn't using her at all, he was just trying to find the right moment to tell Darla it was over. Spike could hardly believe his best friend would believe such lies. If this was what love did to people, Spike thought he was best off out of it.

But he loved her, Buffy, more then he'd ever loved anyone in his life and that included his entire family. She was more than just his best friend, she was his world, the other half of himself, and to see her torn apart by this undeserving creep was killing him.

"Buffy, I never wanted you to get hurt, you know I'd never want that" he told her, "that's why I told you the truth about him"

"It's not the truth!" she said angrily, "You don't know anything!"

With a loud slam, the young woman left the apartment, the door almost coming free from it's hinges it slammed so hard, leaving Spike alone, wondering where he should go from here.

Slumping down in the nearest chair, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it with his favourite lighter, the one Buffy had bought him for his twenty first birthday, engraved with the words 'For Spike, with all my love forever, Buffy'. The silver item was turned over and over in his hands, slowly but surely getting washed, by the flood of tears from it's owners eyes.

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To Be Continued


	2. A Drunken Revelation

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A/N : I'd just to thank those nice people who reviewed chapter one, and to answer a couple of questions...To Jo - no Dawn in this fic, although I do agree S/D friendship is adorable, Dawnie just doesn't fit in this AU world. To Once More With Feeling - this chapter will answer your question ;-)

Hope you all enjoy chapter two, and please review!

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 2

"Spike, I really don't think that's going to help" his friend Willow told him as he poured himself another double vodka and downed it in one. She hated to see him like this, so out of control, so seemingly lost. Spike was always in control, always cool and calm about everything, but since Buffy had started dating Angel he'd changed. The further he drifted apart from his best friend, the less 'together' he seemed to be in himself.

"Nothing bloody helps" he told the red-head beside him, tipping yet more alcohol into his glass, "Nothing I can do for her..." he trailed off, downing his next drink just as fast as it's predecessor.

Xander then entered the living room again, from the bathroom, casting a questioning look at Willow, which received a sad shake of the head in response. Two hours ago, Spike's two friends had arrived at his apartment, a hundred and twenty minutes, a bottle of vodka (which they were pretty sure was not his first drink of the day) and a lot of worried glances later, Willow and Xander were no further forward in knowing what exactly had upset Spike this much and secondly what they could do to help.

"Bloody hell!" Spike cursed as he tilted the vodka bottle and realised there was no more brain-numbing juice inside. In annoyance and fury he got to his feet, threw the bottle which shattered against the opposite wall with an almighty crash.

Willow physically jumped and squealed, and Xander was getting beyond feeling sorry for his friend and way into annoyed real fast. He got to his feet beside Spike and grabbed the bleach blond's arm.

"That's enough" he said in an angry tone, not a tone of voice normally heard from the generally easy going, joke-making young man, "I don't know what the hell happened with you and Buffy but you have got to pull yourself together" he said sternly, "You're scaring Will and you're starting to worry me too..." he trailed off when his friend turned to look at him, a waterfall of tears cascading down his face, nothing but sheer pain in his eyes.

"I'm sorry" he choked out, blinking hard, stumbling to one side a little and glad to be caught by Xander's arm, "I just...oh God, I'm sorry" he repeated, falling back down onto the sofa next to the girl he affectionately called 'Red'. He leaned his head on her shoulder as he cried and a look of concern passed between Willow and Xander, the latter of whom went to the kitchen to make coffee, hoping that when he was sober, Spike might make a little more sense and they'd be able to help him out.

"Please Spike" Willow said softly, pushing his hair from his face as he continued to shake and sob like a child, "tell us what happened, we want to help"

With a loud sniff he pulled his head up to look at her and she half-smiled in encouragement for him to explain.

"I think I've lost her Red, lost her to him" he swallowed hard as he scrubbed at his face with the back of his hand, suddenly realising what a poof he must look, crying like a baby on his mates.

"You could never lose Buffy to anyone" Willow told him sincerely, "I've never known to people as close as you two"

Spike shook his head as he sat himself up straighter.

"It's different now" he said with regret and pain evident in his voice, "everything's different now he's got his claws into her..." he trailed off, squeezing his eyes tightly shut, trying to push the anger away, the awful feeling that he'd lost the most precious thing in his life to a scum-bag like Angel O'Connor.

"Come on Spike" Xander started as he re-entered the room from the kitchen, having just heard his friends last sentence, "nothing and no-one could come between you and the Buffster, you're solid"

Spike scoffed.

"Yeah, solid" he echoed, "Used to be but that stupid ponce got a hold of her and..." he changed thought halfway, "I had to tell her, had to tell her the truth" he rambled, "for her own good but now...now...she looked at me and there was so much hate"

"No" Willow protested immediately, "Not hate, Spike, Buffy could never hate you, she wouldn't know how"

"You didn't see her" Spike shook his head, "She was so angry, so hurt...and she blamed me" he laughed humourlessly at how ridiculous it all was. In an attempt to make her see what Angel really was, to save her from harm and protect her from more heart ache than was necessary, he'd actually caused her further pain, and he'd lost the things he held most dear in the bargain - her trust and her love.

"Spike, listen to me" Xander instructed, crouching on the floor in front of him, making him pay attention, "We all know what Angel is like and we all knew he was hiding something, honestly can't say we were all too surprised to find out it was a wife either. Point is, Buffy's not stupid, she'll realise you only told her to protect her and that this guy is scum and everything will get back to normal after she dumps the loser"

Spike laughed then, an almost frightening maniacal giggle. A combination of too much alcohol and heart ache, and the fact that his whole world seemed to be falling apart since his best friend, his missing piece, slammed her way out of his front door.

"You don't get it, do you?" he asked rhetorically of his friends, who looked blankly at him and then each other, "I told her about the poofter's other bint two days ago!"

"But I thought..." Willow started as Spike's laughter died down, "I thought she was here today"

"She was" he answered immediately.

Xander shook his head in defeat, pulling himself up to sit in the armchair opposite his two friends. Willow looked really worried and he understood why. Spike was never this broken about anything, only Buffy could have such a profound effect. 

When the four had first met in high school, all were convinced that the other two were dating, but Willow and Xander, and Buffy and Spike, had completely platonic relationships, and so it had remained. They were the perfect little group of friends, fitted together like a jigsaw puzzle. Spike was the cool guy that all the girls wanted but couldn't have, while Xander was the funny guy, the comedian of the gang. Buffy was the pretty girl, loved by everyone she met, and Willow was the brains of the operation and also a born worrier, mothering everyone at one point or other.

Willow was halfway between wishing she'd never suggested to Xander that they might drop in at Spike's place on their way home from having lunch together, and wanting to help so badly it was painful.

"If you told Buffy two days ago" she began carefully, unsure of Spike's mood now, "and she was here again today getting you all upset about Angel...why hasn't she broken up with him?" she wondered aloud, a definite frown on her features.

"Still seeing the wanker" Spike answered bluntly, "Still thinks he's God's bloody gift" he snorted, feeling his pockets for a cigarette and then something to light it with. He soon remembered his lighter was across the room, probably amongst the broken glass of the vodka bottle since they'd both gone in the same direction in his fury. He half growled in annoyance at the white stick between his fingers, no use to him without a flame to ignite it, he tossed it onto the carpet in front of him and put his head back in his hands with a sigh.

"I'll go fetch that coffee" Xander said quietly as he left the room, knowing he was leaving Willow with the problem of 'what do we say and/or do next?'.

Neither the red-head or the brunette could believe Buffy was so stupid, so blind as to continue to see Angel when she knew he was married. It was too ridiculous for words, but was it? When you love someone, really loved them, you'd do anything, put up with anything just to be with them, both Xander and Willow knew that only too well, past experience playing through both their minds, people and circumstances best left unmentioned.

Five minutes passed in the silent living room until Xander returned with a tray, a pot of coffee and three cups. Spike wasn't a huge fan of coffee, really only kept it in the place for other people's sake, but he knew his friends were trying to help and like a good boy he finished two black coffees in record time.

Silence prevailed throughout this time, could have been ten minutes, half an hour, half a day, Spike wouldn't have noticed. He felt too numb, too sick inside to care whether it was night or day. He was devastated and for the life of him, as he began to go over it in his mind, he didn't know why.

Sure Buffy was his best friend and everything but to feel this bad, like a part of him was missing, like he'd been split in two and half of him was lost, should he feel this bad about it? It's not like...

"Oh God" a now sober but no happier Spike gasped and both Xander and Willow almost hit the ceiling, physically jumping at the first sound in the room for the past half hour, "Oh God, why didn't I see it" Spike moaned, closing his eyes.

"See what?" Xander frowned, "What didn't you see?"

"I love her" Spike answered, his head snapping up to look first at Xander then Willow, "I love Buffy"

The brunette shook his head and looked blank.

"We know that" he told him, "and we all love her, we're all best friends and..."

"No!" Spike interrupted, clearly frustrated at his friends lack of understanding what was now so clear in his own mind, "No, not like that!"

Willow's eyes went wide as dinner plates as a thought occurred to her. She knew now what had got Spike so worked up. It wasn't that he just loved her like a best friend, the way he always had...

"You're _in_ love with her" she gasped, "Oh my God, you're in love with Buffy"

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To Be Continued...


	3. Past, Present, Future

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A/N : Here's the next chapter. Thanx to those who have reviewed so far, hope you continue to enjoy the story! :-)

(For disclaimer, etc. see chapter 1)

Chapter 3

How had it happened? That was the question most dominant in Spike's mind as he lay in his room. His friends, Xander and Willow, had left shortly after his revelation, when he told them he needed time to think. Now laying there on his back, studying the ceiling, he tried to figure out how he hadn't seen it coming. How had he not realised he was falling in love with Buffy?

She was his best friend, like Xander and Willow were best friends, nothing more and nothing less, and he always loved her, but _in_ love, that was something different.

Spike had been in love with Drusilla, at least he thought he had. She was beyond attractive, to him at least, she was different, she was exciting, she was...off her rocker most of the time, but that only increased Spike's attraction to her because it made her more interesting and that little bit dangerous too.

Then came the night he'd found a note, not from her but from one of his best mates on the male side of things. He and Riley had known each other in high school and roomed together in college, until the day that he ran off with Dru, of course. And Spike had cursed and cried and yelled, and ultimately leant on Buffy for a few months. She was his helping hand, his comfort, his everything, but that was what best friends were, right? Wrong. As he looked back on it now he saw that she'd gone way above and beyond to help him out as he had for her too. When they went out together they never hit on other people, although they could have since they weren't dating each other. He'd only had one girlfriend and that was Drusilla, and this scum Angel was Buffy's first bloke.

"How stupid am I?" Spike asked himself aloud, for about the fifth time in as many minutes. Well, they say love is blind, and God how blind he really had been. The next question that came to mind was 'does she know?' quickly followed by 'does she feel the same?'

Spike was pretty sure it was no on both counts. She'd hardly be dating the great poof if she had feelings for him, right? But then, if it had taken Spike all this time to realise what he felt, maybe it was just the same for Buffy, or was that no more than wishful thinking?

A hundred different emotions were coursing through Spike as he tried to fathom out where to go from here. He was still angry that Buffy would choose to believe more of what Angel said than him. He was upset because she was upset and her pain was his pain, always. He was slightly relieved that he'd figured out his feelings for the girl, but also frustrated that he'd realised it at the most inappropriate time.

If Buffy loved Angel, as she said she did, and was quite willing to be continually used, Spike couldn't be around her. The realisation that he was in love with her only made it worse and he knew there was no way their friendship was going to survive if Liam O'Connor remained in the picture. 

Burying feelings was not something Spike did well. He was all for saying what you mean and meaning what you say. How could he spend so much time with Buffy as he had before without letting her know how he truly felt. He'd never be able to keep his mouth shut and he knew he'd get shot down because as much as the girl professed to care for him, her heart belonged to the using piece of filth they called Angel.

Right now, Spike wasn't even sure if Buffy like him, never mind loved him. Flaming rows were not their usual way of communicating, in fact, he couldn't remember ever having such a fight with his best friend as he had two days ago and again today. He shut his eyes tight, determined not to be a ponce and cry again but finding out just how much Buffy meant to him, only to realise she would never be his that was tore him apart from the inside out, and the tears he'd been trying to hold back broke forth as he realised as his heart physically stung as it broke in his chest.

An hour passed, maybe two, and with no tears left and no thought that hadn't already gone round his head twice, Spike called it quits and decided he needed to pull himself together. No chit was going to turn him into a blubbering mess on permenant basis, not even Buffy Summers, he told himself as he got up from his bed and went over to the window. The sun was going down and a quick glance at the clock told him why, it was getting late in the day, a day he had spent mostly thinking about Buffy in one way or another, and it was time he thought of something else.

A shower and a change of clothes made him feel a little better as did the sandwich he managed to make and eat. Walking back through the living room he saw something on the coffee table glint in the fading sunlight from the window. Walking over he picked up the silver item and the note it was acting as paper-weight to.

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'Spike,

Cleaned up the living room as best we could.

Retrieved this from the devastation.

Feel better and call us soon

Willow & Xander'

He read the words and smiled a little. At least he had two other mates who cared, but they were Buffy's mates too and when it came to choosing sides, well, it really wasn't fair to make them take sides anyway but if they had to they would choose her, especially Red - all girls together and all that rot.

The item 'retrieved from the devastation' was of course another painful memory -his lighter. He squeezed it tightly in his hand before walking over to the dresser and dropping it into the drawer, at the same time retrieving one of the disposables he kept there, just in case. He just couldn't bring himself to use the present from her, not right now.

Spike decided a night out was what he needed. Not to get to drunk, he'd done that already today, what was the point in going back to square one? And as much as he would have liked to call his mates he knew to leave them out of it for a while was probably more fair.

Alone in more ways than one, Spike picked his leather jacket up from the back of the chair and pulled it on. A quick check of his bleach blond hair in the mirror and a moment spent grabbing his keys and Spike was out of the door. He needed to get out of the apartment, get some distance and perspective, he thought as he jogged down the three flights of stairs and out of the building.

There sat his motorcycle, just waiting to burn up the roads. Venting his frustration by doing sixty in the forty zone would have been somewhat therapeutic but also dangerous and pointless as he'd feel just as bad when it was over, worse probably, knowing how disapproving Buffy would be about it, not to mention Willow.

No, he would walk, walk to the nearest club, find some interesting people to chat to about anything other than Buffy and his own problems. He might dance with a few girls, have a few drinks, live his life and for once without his right hand girl attached to him. He could do that, of course he could, he could live without her, he could make it through on his own. Didn't need Buffy and her tragic taste in men hanging around him, free to be his own man now...if only Spike could actually convince himself that it were true...

It was a long but fairly uneventful night for Spike. As it turned out, he really wasn't as good at talking to strangers as he thought and when he started a conversation he soon realised the women he chose to talk to were not exactly interested in his words, but either his body or his money, or both, instead.

There was some drinking involved, but knowing no amount of spirits would either lift his own or drown the torch that burned inside him for his precious Buffy, Spike didn't really even attempt to get drunk.

It was after midnight when the young man arrived back at the apartment block where he lived, climbing the steps much more wearily than he'd run down them. It was much harder than he'd thought, living life alone. One night without Buffy and his other mates and he was bored and horribly depressed. There was a moment when he'd considered hunting down Liam O'Connor and ripping off his knee-caps just for something fun to do, but Buffy already seemed to have enough reasons to be mad at him, he didn't want to add to the list. Besides 'Angel' was quite a big bloke, Spike seemed to remember, despite the fact he'd only really met the guy two maybe three times. 

Looks-wise the two men had no similarities at all. Angel was taller than Spike by several inches and had dark hair and eyes in comparison to Spike with his bleach blonde curls and crystal blue orbs. It made Spike wonder, if the two of them looked so unlike each other and behaved so differently, and yet Buffy was in love with Angel, did he really stand any chance of her liking him that way, of her being in love with him?

Realising his thoughts had strayed back to the girl he'd been trying to block from his mind, Spike cursed and hunted for his keys. Outside his own front door, Spike reprimanded himself, 'You will not think about Buffy' he thought sternly, 'you will put her out of your mind and out of your life for everybody's sake...'

He finally located his keys, slipped the appropriate one in the lock and let himself inside. He regretted the move almost as soon as he'd done it.

"Bloody hell" he muttered running a hand back through his hair.

"Buffy, what are you doing here?" Spike sighed in annoyance as he entered his apartment and found his ex-best friend sitting on his sofa, head in her hands, "We said all we had to say before" he continued, not really looking at her as he closed the door behind himself and walked across the room, a night of trying to do without her had gone horribly wrong, he couldn't deal with this now "And I'll have my spare key back if you don't mind, considering the fact that..." his sentence ended very abruptly as he reached her side and the girl looked up from her hands.

Red and blotchy, streaked with tears, hair in disarray and make-up all where it wasn't supposed to be, Buffy looked nothing less than a mess, a very broken and upset mess. Spike closed his eyes, expelling a breath as he dropped down onto the sofa beside her. She was in pain, he could see it in her eyes, intense pain that he was almost certain Angel had caused and he himself was adding to right now. Thoughts of abandoning her the furthest from his mind that they could be, he asked the question he feared the answer to.

"What did he do?" he said quite calmly, but Buffy just looked away. Spike repeated his question, slightly more angrily now, his blood increasing in temperature a little more every second that Buffy kept up her silence. What did she think she was achieving, protecting him like this? If he'd done something Spike wanted to know, because God help him this had gone far enough, he was going to tear Liam O'Connor limb from limb, and he was going to savour every moment of it.

"He didn't....he, I..." Buffy stammered, more tears spilling from her red eyes as she sobbed once more.

Spike's arm wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her head to his chest, his second arm rounding the other side of her, holding her tightly, protecting her from the whole world, or at least trying to.

"Tell me" he said, his anger dissipating as he felt her pain, his sympathy and sheer love for the girl even stronger than his hate for the man who'd caused her heat-ache, "Come on" he urged as he rocked her gently, squeezed her tightly to him, "I know we had a stupid row but you can still tell me anything"

"You'll hate me" the sobbing girl choked out, and that only made Spike angry again. Grabbing her firmly but gently by her upper arms, he pulled her up to look into her face.

"Never" he said simply but definitely, the look in his eyes shocking Buffy out of her sobbing frenzy and into complete calm and silence. The girl would have been scared by this kind of intense gaze from anyone else, but this was Spike and that made everything okay.

There was the briefest of moments when Spike considered, 'now I could tell her how I feel' but he soon realised just how inappropriate his timing would be. She would likely run a mile, or worse, say she felt something she didn't as a kind of rebound thing, and that would break his heart into more pieces than the two it was already in.

"Now tell me" Spike repeated more gently.

Buffy closed her eyes, took a deep breath and said what she must, before collapsing into waves of tears all over again.

"I'm pregnant"

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To Be Continued...


	4. Comforting Her

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A/N : Thanx to those who reviewed chapter 3, I know I kind of left it on a cliff-hanger but it seemed like a good place to stop ;-) Here's the next part, which I hope you enjoy, and please remember to review - I love to know your opinions, good or bad (so long as the bad is constructive criticism and not just people being mean) it does help and I do appreciate it.

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 4 - Comforting Her

Spike couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, his entire brain and body seized up for a moment, unable to process the information he'd just received. Buffy, his precious girl, was pregnant...and the father? There was only one candidate for that.

"O'Connor" Spike all but growled as his thought processes returned. Now more than ever he wanted the bastard dead. Was it not bad enough the wanker was using Buffy, the girl who was currently a sobbing mess in her friends arms, was it not so bad that she was in love with the ponce while he thought of her as nothing more than a sex toy? Now he'd got her pregnant and reduced her from the strong young woman she was into a mess of salt water and limpness, so innocent and lost. God how he'd mistreated her, chewed her up and spat her out as Spike knew he ultimately would. He blamed himself almost as much as Angel for what had happened. Why hadn't he done something sooner? Well, he knew the answer to that. His highly constructive plan would have involved a lot of spilt O'Connor blood and that would only have made Buffy mad at him and pushed her closer to the ponce. 

Spike hugged her tightly to him, nothing else he could do now. His boiling blood simmered down some as his anger at the man was overtaken by a stronger emotion, his love for Buffy. With less rage came a more level head and suddenly a thought struck him.

"Sweetheart, as much as I hate..._him_" Spike began gently as he could, faltering a little when he actually had to mention the creep, Angel, "I thought you'd be happy you two had something like this together" it pained him to admit it, but if Buffy loved Angel so damned much, shouldn't she be smiling like an idiot over the impending birth of the creation they'd made together.

After waiting several minutes for the crying, sniffling and shaking to cease, Spike got the answer he was waiting for.

"He was so angry" Buffy choked out, still clinging to her best friends shirt which she had already substantially soaked, "he just...he yelled and...he..." tears overtook the girl once again and she just couldn't continue, burying her head in Spike's chest once again, shoulders shaking like her sobbing would never end.

Spike rubbed one hand on her back soothingly, trying to calm her, but to be honest he needed someone to calm him before he exploded. If Angel had laid a wrong hand on Buffy... 'so help me God he won't live to see a child born' Spike thought to himself, a sickening feeling taking over his stomach 'he won't even live long enough to know what hit him'

"Buffy, luv" he said as calmly as he could, which wasn't very, "you have to tell me if he hurt you..."

He felt her head shake against his body in a negative response and his heart beat a little steadier. The very thought of his best friend, the woman he loved (even if she didn't know it) being in the same bed as the moron made him feel queasy enough, but if he'd hurt her...it was too horrible to think about, too painful and too dangerous for everyone concerned.

But at least he could have done something, could have made a difference even if it wasn't a sensible difference, but as things stood, Spike was less than helpless. He could hold Buffy whilst she cried, but he couldn't end her tears. He could tell her everything will be okay, knowing in his heart it was impossible to predict such luck. He could promise to help but he just didn't know how. The only thing he was certain of was his love for her and how could he tell her that now? How selfish would it sound? How ridiculous?

'Oh Buffy, I know your pregnant by a creep who you're in love with who now doesn't want to now you, but do you think you could be my girlfriend instead because I've just realised I'm in love with you' - selfish, stupid and so pathetic, Spike could've laughed, if the whole situation hadn't have been so tragic.

"I'm sorry" Spike was surprised to hear then, muffled words from the sniffling girl in his arms, but there was no doubting what she'd said.

"For what?" he asked her, unsure as to why she needed to apologise to him.

"Everything" came her answer as she pulled herself up, her sobbing finally over for now at least, "for yelling at you, for not listening when you told me about Angel, and for not telling you about this before" she choked out.

"I think I did my share of yelling too" he smiled slightly, knowing he did _more_ than his fair share of that on the subject of Angel, "and I didn't exactly inspire you to pay attention to me, what with the shouting and getting angry and all"

"You were just trying to protect me" she realised aloud, "like you always do" she smiled a little too, realising just how true it was. 

No-one could have a best friend as great as hers, Buffy was sure. They'd been through everything together, stuck by one another and never considered walking away, they're relationship just meant to much to be thrown away for any reason.

There was a strange silence in the apartment then, as both friend realised just how much the other meant, perhaps more so now than ever before. What could either of them say now? How could Buffy ask for his help after being such an idiot? What could Spike ever say to make her feel better?

"How long have you known?" Spike asked eventually with a slight frown. He and Buffy had always been so completely honest with each other, they had no secrets, but there was no way she could have found out she was pregnant, confirmed it and had an argument with Angel in a time that can have been no more than fourteen maybe fifteen hours?

"I wasn't sure...I mean, I thought maybe...since Wills' party..." Buffy quietly mumbled, and without thinking Spike was back to doing what he'd regretted just moments before - he yelled.

"That was three weeks ago!" he all but screamed, shocked that she would keep something like this from him and for all this time.

"It was two and a half" she corrected in a small voice, "and I was too scared to do a test til two days ago"

In a second, Spike was off the sofa, pacing the room, frantic and frankly amazed that his friend, no, his _best_ friend, had kept something this huge from him. Okay, so it wasn't as if it was his baby but the two of them were practically family, more so since he told her much more about his life than he would ever tell his parents or cousins that he saw quite a bit of.

"Please don't be mad at me" Buffy begged as she watched him go up and down the room, almost too angry to even speak.

"I'm not mad" he told her, though his tone and actions gave him away, "Why would I be mad?" he laughed humourlessly, "it's not as if it's my kid or that I matter or anything"

"Spike, that's not fair!" Buffy shouted this time, unable to take such words from him. She was on her feet and by his side, grabbing his arm to make him stop his pacing.

"You mean the world to me" she told him as she made him look at her, fresh tears in both their eyes now, "and I wanted to tell you about this...I was just so scared..." she finished more abruptly than she'd meant to, her tears overflowing once again and Spike just couldn't bear to see it. He wanted to be angry at her, really wanted to hate her for not trusting him enough to tell him about this sooner, for carrying on with that loser, Angel, even after her told her what he was really like...but how could he hate her? He could do nothing but love her, nothing but be in love with her.

"Come here" he whispered, pulling her close to him again, allowing her to re-soak the shirt he was wearing, which had barely dried from her first onslaught, as he hugged her tightly once more.

"You don't have to be scared" he told her in soothing tones, "because I'm going to take care of you" he promised, "I would never let anything bad happen to my girl"

With a sniff, Buffy lifted her head to look up at him.

"Thankyou" she said sincerely, her voice cracking even now, "I know everything will be okay when you hold me" she said in a whisper, before going back into his tight embrace.

Spike appreciated her words, even if she didn't mean it quite the way he would have liked. She loved him and trusted him, he had no doubt of that, but he was almost certain Buffy would never be in love with him, and even if she could be, he wasn't going to find out right now.

Holding her to him, he rubbed small circles on her back to soothe her final sobs, rocking her gently as he breathed in the scent of her hair and realised he'd be quite content to stand there, holding her like this, for eternity if she'd let him.

"Can I stay here?" he heard her ask softly, "Just for tonight"

Pulling away a little to see her face, but keeping her in his arms, Spike nodded gently.

"You can stay here as long as you like, pet" he assured her, knowing it would be his greatest wish for her to stay forever, "I'll take the sofa" he added, reality reminding him his apartment was a one bedroom place.

Buffy looked up at him with an expression that said 'what the hell?!' and he soon realised why. Things hadn't changed for her, her feelings for him hadn't at least and she assumed sleeping arrangements wouldn't have changed either.

Since they were kids, Spike and Buffy had often slept over at each others houses, and in the same bed too. It never occurred to either of them that it was inappropriate as they grew up, because neither of them ever saw the other as anything other than a best friend, practically family. For Spike, things were different now, very different and he wasn't sure how he felt about sharing a bed with this woman tonight.

"Why are you looking at me like I've got three heads, luv?" he asked, knowing full well why but needing to buy some time whilst he thought of an appropriate excuse for making a change.

"Why would you sleep on the couch?" she asked him with a frown, "There's plenty of room for the two of us in your bed, there was last time I stayed here" she reminded him and of course she was right. Just a couple of months back, when they'd had one of their movie nights, watching videos, eating popcorn and drinking a little too much. It had gotten late and Buffy was a little drunk so she'd stayed at Spike's and slept in his bed, in his arms, as usual. It never occurred to her that things would ever change.

"I don't know, pet" Spike conceded, knowing he couldn't tell her the truth, not right now, "We can share the bed if you like"

"I do like" she smiled going back into his arms, unaware just how many mixed emotions she was causing for him just by being there.

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To Be Continued...


	5. The Morning After

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A/N : Hey, thanx for all the great reviews! Star-Crossed Lover1 - if you really want to know if you're right you'll have to email me and I'll tell you, but I'm not going to write it here and spoil it for everyone else. :-) Hope everyone continued to enjoy the story, although I'm not so sure enjoy is the right word given all the angst and upset...I promise there will be a happy ending, but the ending is a long way off yet...please review! :-)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 5 - The Morning After

He didn't sleep, how could he with her there? It was a strange feeling for Spike, who usually got so much comfort from being close to his best friend, Buffy, but now having her there beside him in his bed was creating every feeling but comfort. 

Once Buffy had calmed down from her crying, both she and Spike had realised just how late it was. Both emotionally drained, they went to his room, nothing more than sleep on her mind, as ever when she shared his bed, but strangely every thought but sleep on his.

Now, six hours later and almost eight in the morning, Spike had hardly slept at all. He lay on his side, head propped up by his elbow, watching the woman he loved sleep. She looked so peaceful and content, a slight smile on her lips. He hoped she was dreaming of something pleasant, when she awoke to reality things wouldn't be so happy, she deserved at least a little comfort as she slept. He wondered briefly if she'd ever dreamt of him, ever thought of him the way he saw her now, but he dismissed it as a stupid concept. She loved Angel, probably still did, despite what had happened. Finding out about his wife hadn't made a difference to her feelings for the ponce, why would his being angry at her change anything?

It was so hard to comprehend how things had changed so much, Spike thought as he watched Buffy breathe slowly in and out, one hand up by her face on the pillow, the other near her stomach. God how things had really changed, he thought, 'there's practically three people in this bed!'

Jealously was another thing Spike was feeling, though it was only now that he truly realised it. Buffy was having a baby, shocking enough in itself, but that baby was not his. He'd never been with her that way though they'd shared a bed more nights than he could count. As he thought about it now, it did seem a little strange, but he knew why he hadn't thought so before.

Spike had been blind, to a great many things, the biggest of which was the type of love he had for this woman. He'd thought of her as a best friend, maybe at some time as a sister, mostly just as his missing piece, but until today, the thought that she might be the woman he was supposed to be with forever, to marry, to have children with, to love, honour, and cherish until death, why had that thought never occurred to him?

'She's beautiful, she's caring, she kind, she makes me laugh, she's everything, she's...oh God, she's awake' Spike mentally rambled coming to an abrupt halt when her eyes open and looking into his.

"Hi" she whispered, and Spike had to physically shake his head to come back to reality and answer her.

"Morning, pet" he smiled, "You sleep okay?" he asked, knowing full well how she'd slept since he'd watched her all night but really at a loss as to what else he might say.

"Yes, actually" she told him, turning from her side to her back and stretching a little, inadvertently making Spike a little more comfortable by breaking their eye contact, but only making things worse as her foot accidentally ran up his leg.

Spike jumped so much he was mere centimetres from falling completely out of the bed and Buffy noticed there was as much distance between them as was physically possible.

"Are you okay?" she asked him with a hint of a frown, "You seem kind of jumpy"

"I'm fine" he replied too fast, a complete lie he knew, but what was he going to say? 'No, I'm not fine, I haven't slept all night because I've just realised sharing a bed with you isn't normal, and if I tell you what I've been thinking about all night you'd probably slap me' Yeah, that would have been an award winning response, so Spike had gone for the easy option of lying, something he'd always sworn never to do when it came to his friends, especially Buffy.

Thankfully the girl accepted his lie for now and asked no more questions as she lay there a few more moments, waking up and stretching, before finally deciding she had to get out of bed, even if she was going to blow off work today.

"You mind if I take a shower?" she asked Spike, noticing again how far across the bed he seemed and wondering why.

"Course not, luv" he attempted to smile when he said it but things were playing on his mind and he did not look convincingly cheery. He had to force himself not to look as she jumped out of bed and made for the bathroom, knowing if he saw her in all her glory right now it was going to make for an embarrassing conversation over breakfast.

Once she was gone from the room, he sighed, rubbing his hands over his face and back through his hair. How had he got into this mess? A month ago, hell even a week ago, everything was so much easier, Buffy was his friend and nothing else and he'd probably be a whole lot better off if things had stayed that way, but then Buffy would still be pregnant and he'd still want to kill Angel, so maybe things weren't as different as he thought...

He heard the water begin to run in the next room and he felt both strange and guilty as his mind wandered to places it had never been where Buffy was concerned.

"Breakfast" he said aloud, hopping out of bed, forcing on his black jeans and humming the first tune that came into his head, desperate to drown out the sounds from the bathroom and more so the images said noises were conjuring in his mind.

Spike headed for the kitchen and made a start on toast and...not much else, since the cupboards and fridge were mostly empty save for the loaf of bread he found and a couple of other things that really weren't breakfast food. 

Buffy hadn't been around the last couple of days and it was showing in his home, they always grocery shopped together and without her around to remind him, Spike just didn't think about it.

Turning on the radio to help with the sound and thought drowning, the bleach blond put bread in the toaster, dug a carton of juice from the back of the fridge and was even lucky enough to find a couple of eggs back there. He tapped his foot and bobbed his head, getting into the rhythm of the song, humming most of the tune and singing the few words he actually knew, not noticing his little performance had an audience.

Lone applause from the doorway made him turn sharply, dropping an egg onto the floor, thankfully just the shell as the edible part had recently made it into the pan on the stove.

"Buffy" he said pointlessly, who else would it be. She smiled at the slight embarrassment on his face as he knelt on the floor to clean up the mess he made. He actually found the floor a much safer place to look anyway as Buffy stood not two feet away in nothing but a robe..._his_ robe, actually. It was only now he really noticed his own lack of clothes, the jeans he'd pulled on were literally all he wore.

"Er, toast is almost done, eggs are cooking and juice is on the table" he gestured around the room, as he finished up his floor cleaning, "I should get dressed" he added, quickly exiting the room via the second door, the one Buffy was not standing in.

The girl frowned hard as she pushed her wet hair back from her face again. 

'What was up with Spike?' she wondered absently as he took the former bread from the toaster and shifted the eggs in the pan with the spatula that she instantly knew where to find. 'Well, he's never been much of a morning person' she shrugged to herself, her mind soon becoming filled with more serious thoughts about Angel and his baby that she carried. She didn't cry, she had no tears left after the day before, besides, here with Spike she knew she was safe, with her best friend by her side, she could face anything. 'Because he definitely cares about me and loves me' she told herself with a smile, if only she knew...

When Spike emerged from his bedroom, now fully clothed, Buffy was using the phone to call the office where she worked. Her impression of the 'too sick to work' employee was admirable as ever, he noticed. This was far from the first time she'd done such a thing and he'd done it too, sometimes for important reasons like today when they needed each other through a hard time, other times it had just been for fun, to spend the day together talking and laughing and watching videos.

Spike was brought out of his thoughts by the click of the receiver in the cradle, telling him she'd finished her call.

"Your turn" she told him, gesturing to the phone and like a reflex action Spike picked up the phone and dialled his work number, before putting on an act equally as good as his friends and scoring the day off work.

"So" he sighed a she replaced the receiver, "What happens next?" he asked Buffy who shrugged in response.

"I guess we eat and then I put some clothes on and..." she began but she was interrupted.

"No" Spike drew out the word, "What happens next with your...situation" he put it as delicately as he could, "You have to think about where you're going to go from here" he told her, sitting down at the table as she did the same.

Picking up a fork, Buffy pushed the scrambled egg around the plate, staring down at it as if it held the answer to her problems.

"Buffy?" Spike prompted her to answer him, and she looked up at him with a sad sigh.

"I don't know, Spike, I don't know what to do about any of it...things were so clear but now, it's all muddled and I can't make sense of it" Buffy complained, dropping her fork onto the plate with a clunk and putting her head in her hands, supported by her elbows on the table.

As desperately sorry as he felt for her, as much as he wanted to help, Spike knew there was very little he could say. If he dived in feet first, all raised voice and insults aimed at Angel, she'd just get more upset and possibly angry at him again. If he tried to comfort her he'd only end up in the awkward position that last night saw him in, wanting to tell her he loved her and knowing he couldn't. He dared to reach a hand across the table to bring her own hands away from her face.

"It'll all work out Buffy" he promised, "I'm here if you need me and whatever you decide to do, I'll stand by you. You do know that, don't you?"

"I know" she nodded as a watery smile formed on her lips. She turned her hand over to hold onto his and found she got at least a little strength simply from the contact and the small smile he gave her.

"What would I do without you?" she wondered aloud.

"Much the same as I'd do without you" he told her with a smile, "Be bloody miserable I reckon"

She managed a laugh at that, just a small chuckle but it was an improvement. It was enough to make the mood a little more relaxed and Spike was able to handle having her there without having to constantly fight the urge to kiss her of declare his new-found love.

"That's better" he told her, "You actually look half decent when you smile" he grinned, standing up to clear away the unwanted food and Buffy swatted his leg as he walked past her to the sink.

As he began to wash the dishes, Buffy stood up beside him, a much more serious look on her face than that which had been there a moment ago.

"I'm sorry, y'know" she told him, "I know I already said it and it doesn't make all that much difference, but I am sorry" she meant it all so absolutely it was painful for him to hear as well as for her to say.

"I know, pet" Spike's voice was much smaller than usual as he answered her, "what was said before, doesn't matter now" he told her, barely able to look at her when he said it.

There was a brief moment where the only sounds were the water running over the contents of the sink and the faint drip of some said water escaping from a pipe that Spike had been meaning to fix forever.

"I should go get dressed" Buffy said quietly slipping out of the kitchen and back to the bedroom. Spike finally allowed himself to breathe when she was gone from his side. When she was that close to him, it was as bad as the night before in his bed, especially considering the fact she had the minimum in clothing on and what she did wear was his.

"Spike, mate" he said quietly to himself, "You are well and truly buggered"

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To Be Continued...


	6. Loves Bitch

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A/N : Big thanx once again to those who reviewed the previous chapter - it means a lot to me to know you like this, especially big thanx to Spike's Bint who has reviewed most often and SpIkEs AnGel who definitely wrote my longest review so far! :-) 

Keep reading and reviewing please - here's the next chapter!

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 6 - Loves Bitch

"Hey Red" Spike greeted his friend as he opened the front door and saw her there.

"Hey Spike" she grinned, "You look better today"

"Can't say I feel much better" he replied, moving to let her into the apartment. It was the middle of the afternoon and Buffy had gone home to change the clothes she'd been wearing for over twenty four hours and to relax in the bath. She had an awful lot of thinking to do and she had to do some of it alone. Unbeknownst to her, Spike had some serious thoughts of his own.

"Look, I'm sorry about yesterday" he told his red-haired friend as he flopped down on the sofa and she took the armchair nearby, "I guess I didn't handle the whole thing too well"

"Well, I won't deny you were getting kind of scary for a while there" Willow told him, "but we'd never just abandon you. Me and Xander, we're your friends and no matter what does or doesn't happen with you and Buffy we'll still love you both...have you spoken to her since yesterday?" she asked carefully and she was surprised when her bleach blond friend burst out laughing.

"Did I say something funny?" she asked with a confused expression.

"No, no, I'm sorry" Spike waved a hand to dismiss her incorrect idea as he tried to stop his laughter, "it's just, if I didn't laugh..." he stopped abruptly, tears of pain replacing those the giggling had caused, "Will, she's having the git's baby" he said as if it were the most horrific thing in the world, to him of course it probably was.

"Oh Goddess" was the only words that came from the girl as her had covered her mouth in shock.

There was silence then , a long silence that might have lasted forever if it weren't for a knock on the door. Spike appeared to be stuck to the sofa so Willow moved to answer the persist guest.

"Oh Xander" she gasped when she saw him, throwing herself into his arms.

"Hey Will" he replied with a frown, wrapping his arms around her, this was not exactly the welcome he'd been expecting but it was pleasant enough, except...

"Willow, what are you doing answering Spike's door?"

The girl pulled back from her friend, wiping a stray tear away with the back of her hand. She looked carefully at her best friend, one arm still over his shoulder as she stepped sideways to reveal Spike.

"Okay, weirdest feeling of deja vu" Xander frowned harder as he saw Spike almost in tears on the sofa again, much like the day before when he'd visited with Willow. "Does someone what to tell me what's going on?"

When Willow and Spike finally found their voices they made an explanation, Spike expanding on his original statement to Willow now so that both his friends knew all about Buffy's visit to his apartment the night before her staying over and what had happened that morning.

"...so we both called in sick, like we do sometimes, then we talked a bit...watched TV when we realised there was very little either of us could really say...then she went home for a bath and a change of clothes" Spike concluded.

"Buffy's pregnant?" Xander gasped, barely having taken in any of the explanation other than those few words, "how?"

"What do you want, Harris?! A bloody diagram?!" Spike barked in a rage and the brunette soon realised how stupid his question had been.

"I'm sorry" he said quietly, so as not to trigger another outburst from his friend, "I just...I can't believe this is happening..."

"Well believe it, cos it is" the bleach blond mumbled sadly, and a much calmer now Willow spoke up.

"On the upside, at least Buffy sees what Angel is really like now" she tried desperately to find a bright side, "I mean, if he got mad about the baby..."

"Won't make a bloody difference" Spike snorted, a tone somewhere between sadness, disgust, anger and pain, as he spoke "he'll still use her and she'll take it...silly bint"

"He wouldn't...I mean, she wouldn't..." the red-head rambled, tears coming back to her eyes and Xander wrapped an arm around her shoulders knowing what she meant. Would Angel make Buffy abort the baby?

"I don't know, sweetie" her friend told her honestly as she leaned her head on his shoulder and he absently rubbed his hand soothingly on her back.

"He would" Spike said bluntly as ever, "He'd make her and she'd do it" he told them, cold pain in his bright blue eyes as he looked up, tears threatening to spill forth again at any moment.

As awful as it was both Willow and Xander knew it was true. Buffy was so blind when it came to Angel, if he told her to jump she asked how high, it would be laughably pathetic if it were not so tragic.

Night fell once more and not knowing what to say or do in the presence of their friend, Willow and Xander said goodnight to Spike and left the apartment. The Englishman went straight to bed, though he didn't sleep and knew he stood no chance of doing so tonight. The smell of Buffy's vanilla fragrance hung on the bedclothes, strands of her golden hair remained on the pillow beside his head and every time he closed his eyes he saw her face, not smiling and happy like it should be, but broken and tear stained as she sobbed on his shoulder.

"Things might look better in the morning" Willow had told him, though he was sure even when she said it she knew as well as he did it was rubbish. 

Xander had tried for an encouraging smile but it had come out as a half frown, half grimace, as he patted his friend on the back and left the apartment with a comforting hand on Willow's back.

As Spike tried in vain to let sleep take him away from the pain that was consciousness, his two friends walked down the street towards their respective apartments, Xander's arm having found it's way around Willow's shoulders once again, her arm wound around his waist.

"Xan, that won't ever happen to us will it?" the red-head asked with a worried frown.

"What's that, Will?" he asked looking sideways at her as they walked along.

"Well, I couldn't bear to argue with you or anything, I couldn't lose you..." her voice wavered just at the thought of her best friend not being by her side like he had been for the past twenty years of her life.

"No Will, it'll never happen to us" he told her firmly, looking right into her eyes as they stopped walking and stood opposite each other outside the door to the apartment building where she lived, "Us, we're forever friends, nothing and no-one could ever change what I feel for you"

He got a smile out of her then, not a huge smile but it was an improvement on the almost constant frown she'd worn since they'd left Spike behind.

"Forever friends" she echoed softly, "Yeah, I like that" she smiled, and he smiled back down at her. Anyone watching would surely have thought these two were a couple, and maybe they were - a couple of friends, a couple of best friends, but not the couple of lovers they might be perceived to be. 'And it's better this way' Willow thought to herself, knowing things would only get complicated like they were for Buffy and Spike if she didn't continue to bury that little flame in her heart that said 'I'm in love with Xander Harris'. She'd give it time, the torch would go out, she knew it had too, she refused to lose her best friend for something so petty and silly as a life long crush...

Two streets away and unaware of all the emotions she was stirring up by her predicament, Buffy stood in the street, tears streaming down her face yet again as her heart felt like it literally shattered. She'd been given a choice and she'd made it, whether she could go through with her decision, she didn't know but this was important she had to do it. It would do her no good to ask advice of her friends, especially Spike, for she already knew what they'd say, what he would say.

This was a decision only she could make, and Buffy knew it was one of the hardest she would ever have to make. Her lover, or her unborn child, how do you choose between two things that should mean so much?

The water that cascaded down her face told anyone who saw her just how hard that decision had been, but she'd made it and she must go through with, that or lose everything.

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To Be Continued...


	7. Decisions Made

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A/N : Many thanx again to those who reviewed, you guys make me smile :-) and I love to hear your ideas on what you think might happen, you'll just have to wait and see if you're right though...This was a weird chapter to write because it's not really like one long chapter, after an initial intro it's sort of like four separate stories that will all join up soon...I think you'll see what I mean. Hope you like it, and let me know what you think of it please, after all, that is what the review button is for... ;-)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 7 - Decisions Made

Two days. How much can happen in just forty eight hours? You would think not much perhaps, but there are four people in a town called Sunnydale who would disagree. So much can happen, too much maybe, and it did happen that weekend. The whole week had been bad enough...

Monday, Spike had found out the truth about Angel, a truth he had told to Willow and Xander on Tuesday, then on Wednesday his apartment bore witness to the first major fight between himself and his best friend, Buffy, as he told her too. 

Thursday passed in bitterness and a revelation for Spike as the truth hit him like an express train - he was in love with his precious friend, and that night he had to put those feelings away, hide them away in his heart as that very girl cried on his shoulder, admitting she was carrying his enemy's child.

Friday had meant tears, in all four quarters. Buffy wept for the decision she was forced to make as her lover, the father of her unborn child, gave her an ultimatum - him or their own creation. Spike's tears fell for Buffy, his sympathy for her and his doomed affections, whilst Willow cried for her friends and herself, her love that must be buried to preserve her friendship with Xander. No-one knew that Xander cried, it was so long since anyone had ever seen the tears of this clown, but they were there for Buffy, for Spike, for the unfairness that was life...

If the week was pain, the weekend started in sheer agony. As the sun rose on a bright and cheerful Saturday, four dark and thunderous clouds seemed to be expertly positioned over the beds of four young people as they awoke to a new day, tear stained faces and aching hearts, one and all.

They all got up, got clean, got dressed in relative silence, no reason to be happy that they could see. No reason to want to sing along to the radio, smile at the morning sun, or kindly thank the good forces of light for the dawning of another day. They all had something to do today that they dreaded, something that must be done that they wished could be avoided, but it couldn't, and they all knew it.

Her normal routine, Willow brushed her shoulder length red hair, applied a little make-up, wandered to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee...nothing ever changed in her simple little life, everything had been the same since she'd lived in her own little apartment, the one she had moved into straight from college. High school, college, first job, all with Xander, Buffy and Spike and her side. Happy times, happy memories, slowly being shattered by the sadness of the present, the impending gloom of the future.

Xander. A name she was accustomed to hearing, to saying, to thinking on a regular basis as any word in the English language. She loved him, of course everyone knew that, it was obvious, they had been best friends since they'd first met in kindergarten, but this wasn't just friendship love, this was true love. The kind of love that could make one's life perfect and complete, the kind of love that could so easily destroy instead. 

For years she felt it coming, last few months she knew but would not admit it even to herself. She forced the feelings back, swallowed down the words she feared to say. Fear that he would laugh at her, that he would not feel the same, that she'd lose him from her life, and that she could not bear.

She saw now how things could be if she did not bury what she felt. Watching Spike and Buffy, what love was doing to them, tears came to her eyes as she thought of it, a lump to her throat. To see her best friends in so much pain, both just because they'd fallen in love with someone they shouldn't fall in love with...

With a shake of her head to clear her thoughts, Willow looked into the glass of the mirror, straightened her hair, checked her minimal makeup and headed for the door, a firm idea in her mind, a suitcase in her hand.

The man on Willow's mind was up earlier than usual, he hadn't been able to sleep so he figured it was useless just lying in bed staring at the ceiling. Eight o'clock in the morning he was awake, so unconventional for Xander that it was scary, but not half as scary as what he was feeling right now.

The boys greatest skill was humour, and the ability to hide his emotions behind jokes and giggles was his greatest gift...it was also his curse. No-one saw beyond it, to the real him, or at least most people didn't. Buffy and Spike, and most importantly Willow, saw beyond it, saw the Alexander Harris that he wanted to show the world but was too scared to reveal too much.

That true him was in love, believed that maybe he always had been but he'd been too blind to see it perhaps, until now. When Spike realised what he felt for Buffy, the things he said about her as he rocked back and forth, tears and emotions pouring out in waves, Xander realised the words, the feelings, they applied to him too. He felt all these things that Spike was feeling, but thankfully not for the same girl because, hey, how awkward would that have been? No, Xander had realised all too suddenly that Willow, shy and quiet little Will, was the woman he was destined to be with in his dreams.

In was comforting when he realised it, it made sense of a whole lot of stuff. Why he'd never had a serious girlfriend, why he cared so much about his friend above and beyond anyone else in the world, why sometimes when he looked at her he felt something in his heart give way...

Spike had not told Buffy how he felt and Xander knew maybe he never would, but there was no way this guy was going to make that mistake, never going to let the girl he loved slip through his fingers.

As he opened the front door and stepped out into the morning sun, he took a deep breath knowing today was the day he made a difference in his life, he hoped the difference would be good, but he knew he had a lot to lose, his whole world could come crashing down if she told him...no, he didn't want to think so negative, 'I have to hope, have to be positive' he told himself as he walked off towards his future.

Next out of his front door was Spike. He had spent too much time thinking and not enough time taking action. He was in love with a girl, he needed to tell her. He knew, of course, that in reality, it was more complicated than that. Buffy wasn't just some girl he'd met, she was...well, Buffy. What other word was there to describe her? Nothing could, she was too special, too perfect, too precious to him for mere adjectives found in everyday language. She was just Buffy, and oh how he loved her for being just that. 

He had to tell her, his timing was inordinately bad, he knew it, but he could think of nothing but her and how he felt about her. The only thing he could do was tell her, and it didn't matter what her reaction was. Even if she said she never wanted to see him again...well, he didn't want to consider what would happen then, but things could not go on as they were. So, she was having Angel's baby, that didn't mean he was selfish by telling her now, did it? Spike knew very well he was lying to himself but the one thing he knew even more than that, above all else, was that he was a man in love. He'd worry about the consequences later, right now his mind was made up, he was going to tell Buffy how he felt.

As her best friend headed for her apartment, Buffy promptly left her home. No clue in her mind that she might have visitors so early, least of all Spike, she pulled her coat tight around her body and set off for her destination. Her decision made and now only the consequences to face, the truth was Buffy was petrified. The choice was almost impossible but she'd made it and she'd stick to it, no turning back now. She loved Angel so much, and he promised they would be together someday soon, all she had to do was keep to their plan. That plan had not included what he called their 'little accident' and so the error must be removed from the picture.

Could it be so simple? To just erase it, like a stray smudge of graphite on a notebook page. The being inside her was too tiny to be a child yet, nothing but a blob really, but it was part of her and part of him, spawned out of their love for one another, or her love for him at least. But Buffy was convinced that Angel did love her, that one day it would be her that owned the title of Mrs O'Connor, instead of Darla who did not deserve such a man.

People who knew the couple would be inclined to agree that the blonde woman, who looked almost ten years older than she really was through the stress of her marriage, did not deserve the life she had, or the man she was married to, but only because they had heard the screaming, seen the bruises...no-one deserved that. And yet, not three months after she'd left him, Darla had run back to her husband, too lost without him, so naive to believe that he'd changed this time, of course he hadn't.

Buffy, poor innocent little Buffy, knew nothing of this. She knew only of how much she loved the man whose child she carried, the man she would choose above and beyond this creation, this tiny bundle of cells that would not live to see tomorrow...

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To Be Continued...


	8. Destination Unknown

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A/N : Okay, okay, I know it's all depressing right now and what Buffy's considering doing is shocking but as weird as it sounds I've never written anything this angsty and shocking and non-happy before and I'm really starting to get into it! I promise that, eventually, there will be some happy. It's all planned out and there will be some. 

I've spent so much time writing these past few days (I had a long weekend off work since Monday was a public holiday here in UK) and I'm really proud of some of the stuff I've come up with. You might have noticed, or you might not, that I've posted several short fics the last few days, and I thought I should get another chapter of this fic done too since I have these nice people who keep on reading and reviewing - thankyou for that by the way, and please continue with this wonderful thing called reviewing! Enough rambling, time for the new chapter...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 8 - Destination Unknown

Mirror images of one another, were Spike and Xander this morning. Both stood outside the front door of the apartment where the woman they loved resided, both petrified about what they were about to do, afraid of the reaction they might receive and afraid of their own feelings, the ones they were about to explain to the most important woman in their life. Both took a deep breath, raised a fist to tap firmly on the wood, deciding the key that resided in their pockets should not be used on this occasion. 

Three taps and wait for a reply, breathe deeply once more, close eyes and fight back the nerves and impending sense of possible doom. No response, three more taps, a little louder. Waiting, worrying, wondering...still no response.

Kneel to the level of the letterbox, open it up and peer inside, call her name, thinking 'Where is she? She should be home?', again, no response.

Dejected sigh and pull out the cellphone from inside pocket. Speed-dial, rings the number of the phone just beyond the door. Here it ring, once, twice, three times...eight times...twelve times...twenty times...no response.

"Where the hell is she?" and a bunch of expletives fall from their mouths into the cool morning air, more from the bleach blonde than the brunette. Lean back against the front door, think about the girl, where she might be, what she might be doing, who she might be with. Assume she's with her best girl-friend. Look back the way they came and change direction. Xander heads to Buffy's apartment, Spike heads to Willows.

Setting her case down on the platform beside her, Willow sighed deeply. What was she doing? What did she plan to achieve by running away? She didn't have the answers to these questions, anymore than she knew what she was going to do from here on with her crazy mixed-up life.

Thirty minutes she had to wait, then she was out if this town, but Willow knew that running from the town, running from him, that was the easy part. Running from her problems would be much harder, she wasn't even sure if it were possible. The only things the young red-head knew for certain was that she loved Xander too much, and if she stuck around she was going to end up telling him, and soon.

Twenty eight minutes to go and 'this is the right thing to do' she told herself, taking a deep breath, reminding herself all the problems and upset it could cause if the truth got out, if she told her best friend how she really felt, told him she was in love with him and had been for some time. She saw all the pain Spike was in and he was so much stronger than her, stronger than anyone. Realising his feelings for Buffy, knowing he couldn't tell her because he'd only make things worse, it was tearing him apart.

Twenty five minutes to go and Willow felt selfish for leaving. Spike needed his friends right now, as Buffy seemed to be slipping from his grasp. She herself and Xander had both told him things would be okay, that he'd never lose her, but they both knew Angel was manipulative and had such a hold over their female friend that there was a possibility he could drive a permanent wedge between her and her old best friend.

fifteen minutes to go, Willow slumped down on a bench. Watched a train pull in for another destination. People got on, people got off. A dark haired girl, maybe twenty years old, waited close to the edge, wandered up and down looking through windows, a sad expression on her face.

Twelve minutes to go, the red-head watched feeling wretched for the random girl until a smile threatened to split said girls face in two. She began to run, straight down the platform towards a fair haired young man of similar age. 

Eleven minutes to go until Willow's train an she continues to watch in awe as the young mans suitcases are abandoned, thrown haphazardly to the ground as what is presumably his girlfriend comes within his reach. Her feet leave the floor as he sweeps her up, kisses her soundly, spins her around until she laughs aloud and begs to have ground beneath her feet as she kisses him over and over.

Nine minutes to go and the couple leave hand in hand, smiles on their faces, love evidently in their hearts. Willow observes it and wonders how it's possible, such a fairytale for these two, it was like watching a movie... 'and they shall live happily ever after' she thought, somewhat sadly, 'just because they followed their hearts'

Five minutes until the next train out of town departs from Sunnydale, a red-head on the station platform, drags the back of her left hand across her face to remove the salt water that has spilt from her eyes. She digs in her pocket for the ticket she bought just a few minutes before, stares at it like it will give her every answer she requires - it doesn't.

A train pulls into the station and people get on and people get off, and a flurry of tiny pieces of paper flutter in a breeze like confetti, as a red-headed girl picks up her suitcase and leaves the station, heading towards Xander's apartment, a new decision made.

Tears streamed down her face as she came out of the front door of the clinic. This wasn't even it, it wasn't over, it had only just begun, but now she had a date and time when it really would be done.

Three days and she'd be just one person again, not the one and a little bit she was now. And it hurt, knowing that, but it would be a relief too, she told herself, to be rid of the pain of worrying about it. It seemed callous and unfeeling to call it an it, but it wasn't a person wasn't big enough to be a him or a her, it was simply an it, but it was her it, hers and Angels and as much as she told herself she was doing the right thing, quoting her lover in her mind, a nagging voice, more in her heart than her head, told her what she was about to do was wrong.

As Buffy stood outside the clinic, she realised the only place she wanted to be was in his arms, not Angels, but Spikes. Whenever he held her it seemed like the whole world went away, all the badness and all her troubles dissipated, evaporated to nothing whilst she was there in his arms. It was strange to think he bought her more comfort than the man she was supposedly in love with, whom she was convinced she wanted to marry someday.

'It's just because I've known him so long' she told herself, unsure whether that was the whole truth, but not daring to open another can of feeling related worms right now. But she did need someone, she did need Spike. She wasn't sure if she could tell him the truth about what she had planned, what she and Angel had planned, as regards the unborn, barely existent, child she carried. He was her best friend and she used to tell him everything, quite literally, but things had changed over time and it felt sometimes like...well, she was not scared to tell him things as such, more nervous of his opinion. 

Spike was Buffy's favourite person in all the world, and she loved him, in a much different way to that in which she loved Angel, but it meant just as much. She wanted him to be proud of her, have respect and love for her, desperately wanted for him to think she was good, and it worried her sometimes that the halo he seemed to think she wore would slip and fall if she told him certain things.

Every other time she'd worried, she had eventually told him anyway and his reaction had never been as bad as she'd expected. He'd never yelled at her or been mean to her, or ashamed of her...at least, not until a few days ago.

But not that much had changed, had it? Not really, she and Spike were still best friends, they had always sworn nothing would change that. Without thinking about it, her auto-pilot seemed to be taking he to his apartment. Buffy hadn't really paid attention to where her feet were taking her as she crossed roads and covered the pavement at a moderate speed.

It was only as she arrived outside his apartment block that she'd realised where she was and why she was there. She needed love and support and comfort, all the things Spike gave to her without question. She still wasn't sure, as she climbed the stairs to his apartment, if she would tell him the whole truth, everything about Angels and the baby and the ultimatum. Spike did not approve of her seeing Angel anyway, especially since he discovered the 'great ponce' as he took delight in calling him, was a married man. Buffy knew her having her lovers baby had not gone down well with Spike either, but he had said he'd help her and support her and be there for her no matter what. Besides, lying to her greatest friend was not something Buffy liked to do, in fact she couldn't remember ever really deceiving him, unless you count surprise birthday parties and general teasing and the like. 

Buffy wasn't sure that it were possible for her to look the man in the eye and tell a complete travesty of a untruth. Even if she could, the girl was almost certain Spike would see through her like glass.

As she reached the door to his apartment, she reached into her purse for the spare key he'd given her on the day he'd moved in. 'You're welcome here anytime, pet' he'd told her with that grin of his that seemed to be infectious a bit that always made her smile too, she did so now just at the thought.

The key almost made it to the lock, before Buffy changed her mind and put the metal object away again. Today it did not feel right, almost as if all that had happened had invalidated the promise that she was eternally welcome in Spike's home.

Instead of barging in as planned, she raised a fist and tapped on the door. Waiting for a reply, she wondered how she would start this conversation, what she'd say and what his reaction might be. The last thing Buffy needed was another fight, especially not with Spike.

After a moment, Buffy knocked again, a little louder this time, guessing that perhaps her friend had the radio on or was in the shower and hadn't heard her first, lighter, knock.

When no reply came even then, the girl surmised he must be out, which was strange, she realised. It was Saturday which meant Spike could be at work, but she knew for a fact he only worked every other Saturday and last Saturday had been a work day for him, she remembered specifically because she'd asked him to come shopping with her and he'd reminded her that he couldn't... 'Some of us have to work, luv, remember?' he'd said, she remembered clearly, 'Maybe next weekend'

Well, here was next weekend and shopping was the last thing on anyone's mind. But if Spike wasn't working, was he not usually still in bed at...Buffy checked her watch...ten thirty on a Saturday?

Maybe today was different, she mused, it was certainly a different kind of day for her in no uncertain terms, and not in a particularly good way. 

Turning from the door she knew so well, Buffy headed back down the stairs the way she had come just moments before, taking her cellphone from her purse as she reached the doors.

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To Be Continued...


	9. Love Is Like A Butterfly

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A/N : I'm particularly proud of this chapter, which probably makes me sound very big-headed, but I don't mean to sound like that, it's just when I finsished this chapter and read over it I thought it was one of my better chapters. Oh well, I guess the proof will be how many of you guys review it and what you say about it. 

Just before we get into the actual chapter, I'd like to thank everyone who has reviewed so far, because I was kind of nervous about this fic and the support I have got from the readers/reviewers has given me much more confidence in this story, so thanks to; Jo, spike's girl, Once More With Feeling, buffsterangelicxws, Michelle, spikes1pet, feliperijo1, Dark Raven, Lori2, Spikes Bint, Star-Crossed Lover1, DM Angel, Chofita, tinkerbell42, SpIkEs AnGeL, Spoiler Babe, Desperate desperado, fictionfreak2, darklover, Wolfie - many of which have reviewed more than once! Okay, now that's done, here is the latest chapter!

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 9 - Love Is Like A Butterfly

Like a painful game of hide and seek gone wrong, Willow stood outside Xander's front door, Xander outside Buffy's, Spike outside Willow's. All just realising the person they're looking for isn't home. Three sighs, all very much the same, as the three turned dejectedly away.

'Was I wrong?' they all wondered, 'Did I make the wrong decision?'

Willow slumped down to sit on the edge of her suitcase right outside Xander's door. She couldn't face home and she didn't think she had the strength to start again and leave. She'd finally made up her mind to tell Xander what he meant to her, that she really truly was in love with him, and now with him not being there...She was left with a strange feeling, somewhere between relief at delaying and sadness that her plan hadn't worked out.

Willow ran her hands back through her red hair and sighed deeply once again. Where would Xander be this early on a Saturday? 'Maybe he went to my place to see me?' she mused, 'Or to Spike's to see how he was doing?' Completely sick of wondering now, and more so of dragging a suitcase behind her everywhere she went, she made herself as comfortable as possible atop her suitcase, back against the door of her best friends apartment, her new plan the simplest of them all - no running, no hiding, just waiting and then truth telling. She only hoped Xander came home soon and that she had the guts to say what she'd come to say when he did.

She had no idea, but the man she loved was not so far away. After trying Willows and Buffy's apartments, he figured the final place to look would be Spike's, but he was out too and walking around like this wasn't doing any good. It was homeward bound for the Xan-man, at least for a while. He still wanted to talk things out with Willow, despite the sick-with-nerves feeling in his stomach, he wanted her to know how he felt before it was too late, but he'd not slept most of the night before from worrying and he was practically dead on his feet from the walking all morning.

As he came through the front door of his apartment building, he had no idea what awaited him, just two flights of stairs away...

"Coffee, black, strong" Spike barked at the waitress of the Espresso Pump. Having not found Buffy at either her own apartment or Willows, he'd immediately realised who she was probably with - that wanker, Angel, he had no doubt. 

"Bastard" he seethed to himself, playing roughly with a paper napkin in his hands as he leaned on the counter of the coffee shop. Last night he'd clocked less than three or four hours sleep and it was starting to tell on him even now. In frustration he tore the napkin to shreds, his hands needing something to do, he reached for a cigarette and his lighter and lit up.

The waitress didn't speak, in fact she barely looked at Spike as she put the coffee cup in front of him and scuttled away. 'Probably do look a bit scary' Spike laughed humourlessly to himself as he thought about it. Wearing the same pair of jeans he'd worn the past two or three days, hair in disarray, clothes mostly black, cigarette hanging from his lips and a permanent scowl on his face, he noticed as he caught his reflection in the side of the silver metal coffee machine to his left.

What had become of him? Spike was not the kind of man to be in a coffee shop, half asleep and looking a mess on a Saturday morning, or any morning for that matter. He was never depressed, he was never violent, he was such a 'together' guy. Only Buffy could reduce him to his present state. 

He didn't want to go home, too much reminded him of her. Her things she'd left there when she'd stayed nights, gifts she'd given him, furniture she'd helped pick out, everything was about her.

Stubbing his cigarette out in a nearby ash-tray, he closed his eyes tightly, tried to push Buffy from his mind, and even if that were possible (which it was not) he knew he'd never be able to push her from his heart. What had he been thinking when he thought of going to see her, looking such a state, to tell her he was in love with her? Simple answer - he wasn't thinking, he was only feeling. 

One more coffee, then he'd go home, try to sleep if he could, though he doubted the caffeine would let him now... 'Spike you're a pratt' he told himself in no uncertain terms, before giving up on the idea of more coffee and beginning the long drag home, the very place he'd said he didn't want to be, lighting a second cigarette as he did so.

Outside of the building she knew a a second home, Buffy dialled a number she knew so well and waited...

"Hello" said a voice on the other end of the line, and Buffy smiled at the sound of it, at the sound of her Angel.

"I need to see you" she all but whispered, desperately into the phone. If Spike was not around, the only other man she wanted, the only other person, was her lover.

"Did you do what I told you?" came the stern reply, like a Victorian father to a small child who'd misbehaved.

"I made an appointment...three days time" she mumbled nervously, desperately fighting back tears that threatened to spill forth at any moment from the thought of what that appointment really meant.

"Good girl" Angel said more calmly and kindly, "I'll meet you in the park, ten minutes"

"See you there" Buffy smiled now, "I love you" she added, softly.

He'd already hung up.

Buffy walked to the park as fast as her already tired limbs would allow, knowing she mustn't be late, she'd never want to be, not for her Angel. She was at 'their' bench inside five minutes, and sat down to wait patiently for her man. A warm breeze blew her hair about her face as she fiddled idly with the strap of her purse. Turning her head she saw a woman, maybe two or three years older than herself she guessed, seated on the next bench, smiling and watching a small child, no more than three years old. The child, a blond and blue eyed little boy, giggled madly as he chased a multicoloured butterfly amongst the grass. As much as the pretty little thing made to fly away, it always seemed to come back down to the ground, right in front of the child that could be such a danger to its precious wings...

"Hey" said a voice in a harsh tome, to Buffy's left. She swung her head around to see the form of Angel looming over her.

"Hey" she smiled widely as he sat down beside her, not too close of course as they were in a public place. They met in this park whenever they needed to talk, usually about when and where there next 'date' would be, of course sex session would have been a more fitting phrase...

"So, what did you need to see me about so urgently?" Angel asked her, leaning back on the bench, glancing sideways at Buffy.

"Oh, well, I..." the blonde stammered, "I just, there is no big reason" she admitted, " just needed to see you, needed you to hold me..." she leant toward him and he immediately jolted away.

"You know I can't" he snapped in a low voice, "Not in public"

"I know" Buffy nodded sadly as she turned her head away, "I just..." she was not allowed to speak as Angel continued, ploughing right over her words.

"And you had me make excuses and sneak around just so you could sit next to me on a bench!" his tone got considerably nastier with every syllable, Buffy hardly dare look at him as she knew his blood was slowly boiling.

"Angel, please" she begged, tears forming once again in her hazel eyes, "it's been a bad day and I..."

"I don't have time for this" he snapped, interrupting her again as he got to his feet. With the nearby woman and child recently departed and no-one else around, he allowed himself to raise his voice a little, "Actually, I just don't have time for you" he finished with his back to the distraught young woman whose heart he had just broken.

With that he began to stride away at some speed and Buffy took a moment to comprehend what he'd just said. Had he just dumped her, after she'd agreed to do what he asked, when she loved him so much, how could he do this.

In a moment, she was on her feet and racing after him. She caught up with him a short distance from the building where he lived.

"Angel, please" she cried, grabbing at his arm, a couple of people stopped and stared as she hung off his sleeve in clear distress, tears coursing down her face as she begged him to listen, to reconsider...

"Buffy, you're making a fool out of yourself" he told her coolly, removing her grappling hands from his jacket and turning his back on her as she wept from sheer agony in her heart.

"No" she sobbed, "I need you" she chased him to the front door of his building and again made a grab at him as he opened the door to go inside.

"Well I don't need you, not anymore" he said sternly, physically pushing her away. She stumbled at the step, but did not quite go down. Steadying herself she continued to sob as Angel turned to go into the building, only to be confronted by his wife.

"Angel?" Darla said with surprise as she met her husband by the door. Buffy blinked hard to control her tears, wiping her face with her hands, not knowing whether to stay and fight for the man she loved or run away.

"Darla, honey" the man smiled as he took her arm and turned her around slightly, "what are you doing out here?"

Buffy lifted her head to see this wife of Angels as said wife gave her response to her husbands question. Shock hit her like a ton of bricks - Darla was pregnant, by at least seven or eight months by the looks of things.

"I woke up and you were gone" the blonde frowned at Angel who tried to ignore Buffy's presence, but Darla had already seen her there, crying her heart out, her eyes now wide as saucers and her mouth wide open as she realised the most awful truth.

"What?" she gasped, unable to take it in, "I don't..." she couldn't form the sentence, she could barely form a thought in her head. Angel had told her to kill their soon to be child because he didn't want kids yet, he wasn't ready, and here was his wife who was quite clearly going to give birth to his child in less than a month or two.

"Angel, who is this?" the pregnant woman asked the man who held her arm, desperate to get her back inside the building. He cast a backward glance at a still stunned Buffy before replying.

"Her, she's no-one" he said, cold as ice, "nothing and no-one" he repeated. "Now come on baby, let's get you back inside" he said, gently guiding her back into the building and toward the elevator. As he turned to close the door behind them, he looked down upon Buffy with a look of disgust.

"Buffy, go home" he practically spat, "and don't ever call me again. It's over"

No word would come, barely any sound as Buffy braced herself, her back against the wall. Tears ceased, too shocked to fall, the girl barely had breath in her body.

"Are you okay?" a voice asked to her side, a kind looking woman, the same one from the park, with the small blonde child at her heels.

Buffy gave no response, just pushed herself off from the wall and ran, ran away from everything towards, she had no idea where, not even acknowledging the woman who had tried to help her, or the small child beside that woman, remnants of a crushed butterfly in his little hand.

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To Be Continued...


	10. Hold Me Close

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A/N : One of my longest chapters, and lots going on in it. I hope you all approve of what happens, something tells me you just might...Thanx for the reviews on chapter 9 - courtney, Spoiler Babe, Jen, SpIkEs AnGeL, Meagan, Spikes Bint, tinkerbell42, Michelle, Mita472 - your kind comments and support mean a lot to me! :-) Keep on reading and reviewing please, can't wait to see everyone's response to what was definitely one of my favourite chapters to write...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 10 - Hold Me Close

Loss. That was the overwhelming feeling that Buffy had inside of her. Loss of love, loss of the man she cared so much for, loss of feeling in her heart and reasonable thought in her mind. She wandered along the streets, not really sure where she was going, shocked and dazed, she had began running after Angel had told her it was over, but her run slowed to a sad walk as the shock reached her leg muscles and they almost ceased to function. On auto-pilot they took her through Sunnydale, down streets, across roads, her eyes not paying attention to her path or destination and several motorists honked their horns as she wandered out into the street right in front of oncoming traffic.

Somehow she made it to the door unscathed, the door that led into the building where Spike lived. As she glanced up her tired eyes realised where her feet had carried her and without a word, a sigh, a sound, a thought in her head, she went inside, passed straight by the waiting elevator and climbed the stairs.

One flight, two flights, three, all on automatic, without thinking about anything clearly, without considering why she was headed to Spike or what she was going to say to him when she saw him, and that was if he was even home, he wasn't before.

Buffy was empty and numb and silent, in a long black tunnel that seemingly had no end. Not even the ability to cry was in her possession anymore, too many tears had been shed, she had none left.

The lack of answer to her sad knock on the door told Buffy that her friend had not yet returned home. One hand went into her purse, pulled out the key she possessed and this time she used it, still not thinking, not caring what she was doing, just doing it because her body knew how, it was a routine she'd done so many times and came so easily to her, her brain barely needed to function for her to carry out the actions.

Once inside she closed the door behind herself, cast an eye around the living room, then headed for the bedroom to lie down. Her body told her she needed rest, she collapsed fully clothed onto her friends bed, her eyes staring, unseeing, at the plain white ceiling for minutes, maybe hours, she didn't know, until she heard the front door open and his familiar voice...

Xander stepped into the elevator to his apartment, travelled up the few floors and wandered out towards his front door, eyes tracing the ground in front of his feet, causing him to almost trip over the girl outside the door.

"Will?" he asked, with a questioning frown, he'd been looking for the girl for hours and here she was right on his doorstep, with a suitcase?

"Xander" the red-head gasped, glancing up from her hands where her head had been resting, "I was..." she almost let it go, let all the words spill out that she'd come to tell him but something held her back "waiting" she said eventually, "I was waiting, where have you been?"

"Er..." Xander stammered, shocked to see her here, his head spinning with what he was going to say to her, what he wanted to say to her and what he actually would say "I went to your place" he said eventually "and then Buffy's and Spike's too actually..." he almost laughed when he realised the ridiculous trek around town he'd made in search for a girl who was at his home anyway "no-one was home" he ended quietly.

"Well, I don't know where Buffy and Spike are" Willow shook her head, still not getting up from her seat on her suitcase, Xander not moving either "but I wasn't home cos I'm all...here and stuff" she said with a slight frown as she realised what a spaz she sounded and in front of Xander too!

"I see that, yeah..what's with the luggage?" he wondered aloud, suddenly noticing what it was Willow was sitting on, "You planning a road trip? Or did you just know you'd be here a while?" he smiled, not able to let the conversation remain joke-less despite his fairly serious mood.

"No and yes" his friend answered the two questions, before changing her mind and thoroughly confusing both Xander and herself "I mean yes and no, or yes and, what I mean is...I don't know what I mean" she sighed, putting her head in her hands again, frustrated that she couldn't just say what she meant and mean what she said for once, instead of being a gabbling idiot as always when it came to serious thought and feelings.

"Maybe we should go inside" Xander suggested, having not really been paying attention to his friend anyway, too many of his own rambling thoughts were keeping his mind busy.

"No, I mean, yes. Yes, inside is good" she finally decided, standing up and moving to grab the suitcase beside her, just as Xander did the gentlemanly thing and made to carry it for her instead. Their hands caught each others on the handle and both smiled slightly at the strange new feelings the contact caused before pulling back their fingers as if they'd been burnt.

"I'll get that for you" Xander said quietly as he opened the door to the apartment and dragged the item inside, Willow following behind and closing the door in silence. 

The luggage was pushed to one side and keys landed on the table before two jackets joined them. Without invitation Willow took a seat in the place that was second home to her, but felt more than a little uncomfortable today.

"Er...coffee?" Xander asked, trying to find any excuse not to be alone in the room with his friend, trying to delay what he knew he had to do, hoping the right words would come to him in the time it took to make the drinks, to express these feelings he so far had few words to describe the magnitude of.

Willow nodded fast, also grateful for some extra time.

Unfortunately the five or ten minutes it took was just not enough for either of them and when Xander returned neither he nor the woman he now loved had thought of a way to tell the other how they truly felt. If only they could read the others thoughts, things would have been so much simpler!

"Xander, I wanted to..."

"Willow, I need to..."

When they finally spoke it was right over each other, causing both to smile in embarrassment.

"You first" Willow told him with a nod, again trying to delay.

"No, ladies first, always" her friend insisted, shuffling nervously on the sofa beside her, glad his gentlemanly manners would help him out here, he also needed time before he dropped his bombshell.

"Okay..." Willow stretched out the word, turning slightly in her seat to face the man she loved, "well..." came another elongated word and Xander was starting to worry about what she might say. There was a suitcase in the corner of his room that made him nervous, and the look on his best friends face and her lack of able-ness to tell him what she had to say was making him panic more than he was before. 

"Oh no, I can't tell you this" the red-head looked like she might cry as she covered her face with her hands. She was frustrated with herself beyond belief, but the worry of what might be said and done once the words escaped her mouth, the words that told Xander she wanted to be more than friends, that was causing the utmost panic inside of her.

"Sweetie you can tell me anything" Xander said much more calmly than he felt, wondering whether he should put his arm around her to comfort her. He usually would, when she was upset, without even thinking about it, but today was different and he wasn't sure how to act anymore "We're best buds, right?" he smiled a little and nudged her gently, afraid to touch her anymore than that right now. Her hands came away from her face as she heard his words, realising now that things couldn't be any more painful than having Xander treat her as 'best bud' when she desperately wanted and needed more from him.

"Right, yes..." she said with a deep breath, preparing herself again, and she would have been okay if he wasn't staring at her so much, with those beautiful eyes she felt she might drown in "Could you close your eyes?" she asked suddenly.

"Are you kidding me?" Xander almost burst out laughing, "Because I've seen that trick..."

"No" his friend sighed with annoyance, "I just can't tell you this when you're looking at me"

There was a slight frown on his face before he gave in and did as she asked, like always.

"Okay, but you are so lucky I trust you Will" he said as his eyes closed.

"I know..." came her reply, then a long pause before "I still can't say it"

"Willow this is ridiculous" her friend complained, eyes wide open again as he made to stand up and walk away in frustration "would you just..."

He never made it to his feet as Willow grabbed him and crushed her lips to his. If she couldn't say what she felt, there was no other way but to show him. Everything she felt she poured into that one moment.

'If he didn't understand after this, he never will' was the only coherent thought she managed to have as she assaulted his mouth, until lack of oxygen made them both pull away.

Shock had stopped Xander from responding to her kiss, much as it stopped him from responding to her words as she began to talk at near lightening speed.

"I love you Xander, and I was afraid to tell you how much, and I almost ran away, but I couldn't go, and I was scared you wouldn't feel the same, and maybe you don't but..."

She was stopped from rambling anymore by the feel of his lips covering hers. He shocked himself further by finally finding the courage to kiss her like that. It wasn't really to interrupt and stop her rambling, since he wasn't totally aware that she was still speaking. He'd heard 'I love you' and taken it to mean she was in love, whether that was what she meant or not. He was just so sure he was in love with her now, it overrode everything else. Besides, as childish as it sounded, she'd kissed him first...

As he kissed her, she kissed back, one kiss became two and three as deeper feelings emerged. Hands roamed to places they'd never been, at least not with each other, and in the hours that followed love was proven without the words. Dreamless sleep took over soon, dreamless because neither had anything left to wish for when they were wrapped up in bed, in each others arms, hearts beating together, a feeling of sheer contentment surrounding them.

The long drag home was longer than Spike had intended. He wandered through parks, down streets, weaved in and out of people and shops, delaying having to go home because...he didn't know why. Because things there reminded him of her, that was true, but beyond that, at home he'd be alone and forced to face his feelings and thoughts and general inner turmoil. Out in the streets there was too much noise, too many people to concentrate too much and he liked that.

Hours passed without him noticing before Spike finally decided home was where he should go. His body ached from walking and worrying combined, he'd like to sleep but knew he stood no chance. Maybe he'd just slob out on the sofa. When Buffy was confused or upset or depressed, she ate ice-cream, but Spike hadn't got her sweet tooth and currently, an empty freezer, so he doubted her little cure-all would do him any good.

Wandering in through his front door, he sighed, threw his keys on the table, hung his jacket on the chair nearby, slumped down onto the sofa, ran his hands back through his hair.

The thought that wouldn't leave him, the one fact that overrode everything else was how much he was in love and a large part of him still wanted her to know that. He could tell her, he would tell her, he decided unanimously, but this time he'd go about it better. He would make sure he looked decent, and he was going to be all planned and prepared when he saw her, know exactly what he wanted to say

"Buffy" he said aloud, preparing his speech right now, "there's something I need to tell you..."

"How'd you know I was here?" the very girl he was 'talking' to appeared in the doorway from his bedroom.

"Buffy!" Spike gasped at the sight of her "Where the hell have you been?" he demanded to know, his shock not lasting as he moved forward and took hold of her, his hands on her upper arms "Are you okay?" he half frowned at the semi-vacant look in those eyes he knew he could drown in if he wasn't careful.

"Am I okay?" she giggled madly, the first emotion she'd really had since she'd walked away from Angel's front door "You want to know if I'm okay..." she continued almost hysterically, her maniacal laugh worrying Spike more than her tears ever had, he knew that laugh, he'd laughed that laugh and he knew it was dangerous, just like the despair behind it "okay, well, let's see..." Buffy began quickly and sharply "I'm pregnant with a child I was told to get rid of if I really loved the guy I made it with, because he's not ready for kids but ironically his wife's about to drop a brat at any second and now that bastard has just dumped me" she rambled all in one breath, the stupid grin never slipping from her face, whilst the pain forming behind her eyes looked like it might drown her "so if that's sounds okay to you, then yeah, I guess I'm okay, okay?" she ended abruptly and loudly, her giggles instantly dying and the real feelings taking over, a fresh bout of tears pouring forth as all the pain she felt imploded inside of her.

"Oh luv..." was all Spike could find to say as she collapsed into his waiting arms. He held her tight as he dared, almost fearing he might snap her into if he gripped her too hard. She looked so fragile, so helpless, but as much as Spike felt bad for her, he had to admit at least to himself that a large part of him was dancing with joy at the prospect of Angel dumping her, she'd be happier without him, right?

"God Spike, what am I going to do?" she gasped for oxygen as she tried to speak through her painful sobs.

"Wish I knew sweetheart..." Spike said softly, petting her hair and rocking her gently in his arms, absently realising she was ruining yet another of his shirts with her waterfalls of salt "well, for now you're going to stay right here" he decided eventually "and Spike's going to take care of you, okay?"

She looked up at him then, her pained hazel pools still glistening with even more tears yet to be shed, but there was a hint of a smile on her lips.

"I knew you would" she choked out "it's why I came here, I just..." was as far as she got before her voice disappeared into nothingness again.

"It's alright" Spike assured her, as her head disappeared beneath his chin again and he stroked her back soothingly "come on now, it'll all be alright, I promise" he led her gently to the sofa and sat down, his legs threatening to buckle from his sadness for her and himself, a certain amount of shock at what the wanker had done and just because he was tired from his aimless walking around for many hours.

"He said I was nothing" Buffy cried, her words somewhat muffled by Spike's drowning shirt, "that I meant nothing, that he didn't have time for me..." she looked up suddenly to say "and I did what he wanted, I was going to, oh God Spike I was going to have an abortion for him" she crumbled yet again as she realised what a sacrifice she as going to make, what a terrible thing she was planning to do and all for the love of a man who cared nothing for her.

"It's okay, pet" Spike told her, rubbing her back soothingly, "shush now, it's all over now, he can't hurt you here"

He knew 'it's okay' was a big lie. He shouldn't be shocked by the fact that Angel wanted Buffy to abort the baby, or even that she would go through with it willingly, but it made him feel sick to actually hear the words.

"I'm such an idiot" Buffy sniffed, tears subsiding as they again ran out, so many shed, her eyes had nothing left to give.

"No baby, you're in love" he best friend sympathised, understanding almost exactly "Sometimes love makes you do crazy things, believe me, I know"

"You mean when you loved Drusilla?" she asked looking up at him and as he looked down into those eyes of hers, oh how easily he could tell her now, he could kiss her, he could...

"No pet, I mean...well, yeah, I s'pose" he bottled out when it came to the crunch, thinking better of being the rebound guy.

Buffy didn't answer, just let Spike hold her tight, feeling better by the second just from being close to him.

"We do have tragic taste, don't we?" he snorted, after a few moments of quiet, a silence that was getting very uncomfortable for him.

"Don't you ever wonder..." he heard her practically whisper, not knowing that an idea was forming in her mind "why we never..." she trailed off, never looking up.

"Why we never what, luv?" he dared to ask, truly never believing she meant what he sort of hoped she meant. 

As her eyes glanced up into his, he had no idea what was coming, until her lips landed on his own, desperate and hungry, he would have responded but his brain couldn't take in what was happening, as her arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him closer.

"Buffy!" he gasped from shock and lack of oxygen when she finally pulled away from him.

"Spike" she said huskily, kissing his face, her hands beginning to roam over his body "I want you"

Without even meaning to, he found himself responding to her touch, his arms around her, his lips finding a path around her neck and throat, along her jaw to her mouth.

"Oh God Buffy" he whispered into their kisses "I love you"

Whether she heard him or not she didn't answer, she wasn't given an opportunity as he kissed her repeatedly and she kissed him back with equal force and desire. Fingers fumbled with buttons and clasps as they rose from the sofa and stumbled toward the bedroom, their bodies never untwining. 

Somehow the door came open, neither was sure how and they didn't really care. As they tumbled into the room, Spike's foot knocked the door closed with a thump just before they fell onto his bed, and into the deep fiery realms of unbridled passion.

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To Be Continued...


	11. To Laugh & To Cry

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A/N : Well, here we are, the morning after that magical night before! What will become of our beloved characters now? Will everyone be happy about what they did or will the rising on the sun bring some serious regrets? Read on to find out...(oh, and thanks for the reviews on chapter 10, don't forget to review this chapter too, thanks!)

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 11 - To Laugh & To Cry

The sunlight through the bedroom window lit up her face and Spike marvelled at just how beautiful Buffy really was, even more so to him after the night they'd shared. It wasn't as if he'd never slept with a woman before, and he knew he was completely in love with her, but he'd felt things last night that he didn't even know were possible. He'd been to the moon and back, at least it had felt like flying. Perhaps it had happened for a couple of dubious reasons and he had no doubt that if things hadn't gone so wrong with Angel, Buffy would not even have kissed him last night, nevermind spent the night in his bed bringing some of his fantasies from the last few days to life in glorious technicolor.

Realising he'd been watching the girl sleep for a good ten minutes now and it was fast becoming the middle of the morning, Spike moved carefully out of the bed, so as not to wake his Sleeping Beauty, pulled on his jeans and headed for the kitchen. Breakfast in bed was the plan, she would no doubt be hungry, first from the crying, second from the other displays of emotion.

As he buttered the toast he was making, Spike was suddenly aware of another presence in the kitchen. He turned to see her there, again in his dressing gown, now looking so perfect in it he just wanted to take it off her again immediately, but he wouldn't...

"Mornin' pet" he grinned and she half-smiled as she sat down at the table with a thump. Her eyes half-closed, her brain not fully awake, she wasn't aware of how close Spike was to her until a plate of toast appeared in front of her and his lips were on her face as he crouched beside her seat.

"What are you doing?" she asked, jerking away, her tone sounding a little shocked and Spike didn't really know what to say.

"Kissing you?" he ventured as an answer to her question, wondering why she was asking such a thing after what they'd done the night before.

"Why?" she asked, wide-eyed like she didn't understand and it appeared that she really didn't. This in turn, caused shock for Spike who shook his head as if to clear his thoughts as he stood up to his full height again.

"I'm sorry" he said slowly, still lightly shaking his head and blinking hard as if trying to make sense of a riddle, "did I dream last night or did we make love several times?" he asked her, looking her straight in the eye, his words and the intensity of his gaze made her flinch and look away.

"We had sex Spike, there's a difference..." the hurt in his eyes made her instantly wish she hadn't said it, because she did love him, just not like that "not that it wasn't great" she back-pedalled "but, it didn't mean...I mean, we're not in love or anything" she tried to explain "I just needed something, someone" she stood up and moved toward him "and you were there for me like you always are" moving to put her arms around him in a friendly, grateful kind of a hug, she was stupidly surprised when he flinched away, backed-up two or three steps until the kitchen counter prevented him going any further.

"What's the matter with you?" she asked with a frown before his anger exploded like Vesuvius.

"What's the matter with me?!" he yelled, louder and more livid than Buffy had ever seen him "How can you stand there and..." his eyes stung with angry and painful tears and as he looked over at her, he realised she didn't even see what she'd done to him. How could she know how much it would break him to have her and lose her like that all so fast, "I can't, I can't do this" he mumbled, grabbing his jacket and practically running for the door, she didn't understand and he couldn't explain, not now. He just couldn't be near her , he needed time, needed space...

"Spike, where are you going?" Buffy tried to follow but he was too fast, slamming the door as he replied.

"Anywhere away from you" with some disgust in his tone.

"Spike!" she called behind him, tears coming to her own eyes yet again, truly not understanding just what she'd done to him, never able to comprehend just how much he was hurting, just how much his heart was breaking...and because of her.

"Stupid, selfish, unfeeling bint" Spike seethed as he strode away from the apartment building at some considerable speed, no particular destination in mind, just desperate to accelerate away from Buffy as much as possible.

How was it possible, he began to wonder, to be so inordinately happy one moment and your whole world come crashing down the next. He thought he'd reached rock bottom when he'd realised his deeper feelings for his friend too late, but he was introduced to a new kind of pain with the news of her pregnancy. Now the agony was indescribable. The woman he loved most in the world, had used him. Of course he'd done what he'd done willingly but he'd had no idea she would be so cold in the morning, that she had slept with him out of convenience, for cold comfort after Angel had told her where to shove it.

Squeezing his eyes tight shut for a moment, Spike was desperate not to let the imminent tears fall, but there was just no stopping them. He wondered after so many painful, tearful days, how there was still any salty liquid left in his body to escape from his eyes, but there was some and it put in a big appearance as he walked faster and faster, almost trying to outrun the stabbing pain in his heart. Of course, he never could.

Buffy cried, as she sank to the floor of the apartment, her back against the recently slammed door. It was a wonder she had any tear left to cry, and even more of a wonder that the door she leant on was still on it's hinges after the amount of abuse that had been thrown at it these past few days.

Buffy's mind however, was stuck on the abuse she had caused to Spike, the damage she had done. She'd been so selfish and she saw that now. She'd used him cruelly, but at the time she'd not even realised.

Angel had dumped her, she as so desolate and lost, and Spike was there like he always was, bringing comfort, making the sun shine again in her dark and dank little world. His arms protected her, his voice soothed her, and last night, well Buffy had to admit she'd never felt anything like what his body had done to hers.

When she'd woken up that morning, the brief moment before her brain functions kicked in when everything was blank and calm and quiet, it had been bliss. Then her memories of the day before came flooding back and with them a tsunami of confused emotions. She was so hurt about Angel, so worried about their creation, so comforted and yet confused by thoughts of Spike, and so very unsure of what would happen next. 

Finding she was alone in the bed and the room, she had ventured out into the kitchen where she could hear her friend pottering around, presumably making breakfast for them. How exactly would Spike have viewed last night? Buffy had no idea. Would he take it for what she had, for what it was? Comfort in her hour of need, a reunion between to friends who just needed some love, some contact, something..just something so that they weren't alone. Or had it meant more to him? 

'Did it mean more to him?' she wondered now as she sat on the floor of his apartment, tears suddenly ceasing as the shocking truth hit her right between the eyes. Could it be that Spike loved her? Not as the best friend he had always done, but as a lover? As a possible girlfriend? She hoped to God she was wrong, because if she was right, she was the most heartless bitch on the planet and she'd just hurt her best friend in cruellest most horrible way imaginable...knowing that shed never be happy again if shed truly lost her best friend, Buffy cried.

"Hey" came Willows shy greeting to Xander as he opened his eyes and looked own at her.

"Hey" he answered in kind, both of them smiling, pleased to see the others head on the next pillow.

"How are you?" Willow asked politely, unsure what she was really supposed to say in this situation.

"I'm good" Xander nodded, a little nervous too, to be honest "you?"

"Good too" came the red-head's answer.

"That's good"

Silence reigned as neither knew what the other was thinking or even what they were thinking themselves. They'd been to places last night that they'd never thought imaginable, especially with each other and now, the morning after, everything was a little daunting.

"Will, about what happened...?" Xander began eventually, realising that one of them was going to have to bring up the subject of how they ended up as they were now, both naked beneath the covers of Willow's bed, having only had an hour or so of actual sleep.

"I know what you're going to say" the girl interrupted him, speaking fast with nerves "it was a horrible mistake and we should just be friends and nothing else" her hands gripped the top of the sheets so tight that her knuckles were going white as she fought the urge to cry all over the place.

"Is that what you want me to say?" the man beside her asked neither daring to look at the other just yet.

"Oh no" came her reply as she dared to glance at him "unless you want to say it? You don't, do you?" she begged with her eyes for him to be kind, and if he really did want to put it down to experience and forget all about it, at least she hope he'd let her down gently.

"Willow, baby" he said in a soft tone that she was glad to hear "I've always loved you and, somewhere along the line, I fell in love with you" he smiled as she looked over at him, his eyes boring into her, nothing but love and affection there "So no, last night was not a mistake or something I regret" he said reaching over to take one of her hands in his "it's something that was very special, just like you"

"Oh..." Willow sighed, shifting over closer to him until their lips met in a loving kiss.

"You do know I'm in love with you too right" she checked as they broke apart "like completely"

Xander would've laughed at the speed she spoke and the look on her face when she said it but for once it was not all about jokes and things being funny, he was seriously in love with this girl.

"I didn't know, til last night" he confessed "but you kind of showed me then"

Willow had to giggle even if Xander didn't think it was appropriate right now.

"Want me to show you again?" she asked him, a distinctly mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Without a second thought, Xander grabbed her and pulled her to him in one movement.

"Well, it'd be rude of me to refuse an offer like that, right?" he smirked, pulling her into a kiss that soon became a whole lot more, as they showed each other just how in love they were, all over again.

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To Be Continued


	12. Should I Stay Or Should I Go

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A/N : I know, I know, Buffy's being a supreme bitch and happiness is not exactly widespread in SunnyD, but I promise it will get better...eventually. At least Will and Xand are happy, right? ;-) Thanx for the reviews on chapter 11, please review this chapter too!

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 12 - Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Despite the fact that the sun shone high in the California sky, Spike felt as if he were in the coldest, darkest place in the world. User, it was a nasty word and not one he ever thought he'd have to use where Buffy was concerned, but she had used him in such a horrible way, played with his feelings and emotions, and now he was just so hurt an confused by it all.

Part of him wanted to wake up and find that the night before as well as this mornings consequences were nothing but a dream turned nightmare, because God help him if he let himself believe this were real...it was just too hard.

And yet there was a part of him that wouldn't part with the memory of their night together for anything in the world. The way it felt to be with her that way, it was more amazing than he ever could have imagined, and there was no doubt in his mind it only felt that good because he was so in love.

Could it really be possible that she had used him, that what they'd done meant nothing more to her than a little cold comfort when she was upset. Spike had a hard time taking in the concept that Buffy could act that way, but given the company she kept could he really expect much better from her? Perhaps, she'd learnt too much from Angel. After a year of seeing him, was it really any wonder that his bad habits, his nasty way of treating people, had rubbed off on her?

After several hours of aimless walking, the young man decided he should head home. It was his apartment after all, and if the silly bint was still there he'd just chuck her out, he could do that...right? A humourless laugh escaped Spike's lips as he headed back towards the building where he lived. He knew damn well that as much as she'd hurt him, he'd forgive his precious Buffy anything, and if she wanted to use him again, he knew he was idiot enough to let her have that chance. He truly was love's bitch, the only shred of dignity he could find was at least he was man enough to admit it.

As he entered the building he saw the elevator doors close and with a sigh he headed for the stars instead. Half of him dreaded the fact he may have to face the girl he both loved and hated right now, the other half stupidly wished she was still there and that maybe she'd realised in his absence that she truly did love him and that they could live happily ever after...

"Stupid sod" Spike mumbled to himself, almost angry that he allowed himself to think such stupid things when he knew his wishes would not come true, that all his daydreaming was in vain.

The half of him that had not wanted to see Buffy was relieved to find the apartment empty, of people at least, but something was different. An envelope lie on the coffee table, her handwriting spelling out his name, William. He closed his eyes and fought back tears. His full first name was never a good sign, not from anyone, least of all Buffy. Something too serious was in that envelope, something that would alter his life, no doubt. Only when she was truly angry, which almost never happened, or truly serious, as he guessed she was now, did Buffy use the name William to address him.

With shaking hands, he lay his keys on the table and picked up the envelope, opening it up and carefully pulling out the single sheet of paper that resided there.

Shaky writing, still recognisable as Buffy's, but only just, covered half of the small piece of paper, noticeable wet patches punctuating the sentences, she'd still been crying as she wrote it.

Never taking his eyes from the page, Spike slumped down onto the sofa and began to read the words his bestf friend had written.

'I don't know what to say, except that I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to, Spike, I'm not sure what I thought I was doing, I still don't know really, but I do know nothing is going to get resolved if I stay here. I'm going away, I doubt I'll still be in Sunnydale by the time you find this. I need some time to think, about everything, and maybe you do too. Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine. I'll see you soon William, and again, I'm sorry. Love always, Buffy'

She was gone, just like that. Up and left because she knew she'd hurt him. He'd driven her away? The thought made Spike feel sick, and he told himself he couldn't take all the blame. It took two to tango, or partake of the horizontal rhumba as the case maybe, but whichever way he looked at it, whichever way he cut the blame, or tried to make sense of it all, it came down to one simple fact - Buffy was gone, and Spike wasn't sure he knew how to exist without her there.

For almost twenty years they'd lived in each others pockets. When they went on vacation with their families as children, they'd missed each other terribly, to the point where the Summers and Johnson families would take it in turns to take both kids with them when they went away. Inseparable friends, they had always been that way, and knowing she was gone, not knowing where or for how long, Spike felt as though losing a limb but be less painful and inconvenient, but he would have to deal. The note said she'd already be gone by now and glancing at the clock, he guessed it was true. He'd left the apartment several hours ago, she probably hadn't been far behind him. Again, Spike put his head in his hands and cried, for the loss of the woman he knew he could never live without.

Resting in the arms of her best friend and lover, Willow could not have been more happy or content. She'd felt so wretched just twenty four hours earlier, torn between running away or facing her fears about the feelings she was having for Xander. So scared of the reaction she would get when the words 'I'm in love with you' spilled out of her mouth, the red-head had finally decided it could not be worse than living without the man who'd always been in her life, who she cared so much about.

Willow snuggled closer to that man, her back against his body, his arms around her, her head resting back on his chest under his chin.

"I love you" she told him unnecessarily, she'd told him as well as shown him so many times already in the last few hours.

"I know" he murmured into her hair, "and I love you too" he told her, kissing the top of her head.

A deep sigh came from the girl then, and the man holding her close, realised with a frown it was not such a happy sigh as it should have been.

"Will, is something wrong?" he asked, dreading what her answer would be. She had just said she loved him right? He hadn't dreamt all the happy stuff?

"No" she replied, "well, yes, but not with us" she amended, turning around to face him, but never coming out of the circle of his arms.

"What's on your mind, baby?" Xander asked, concern evident in his eyes, along with the love, as he brushed strands of Willows red hair from her face.

"Spike and Buffy" she admitted, "I just wish he had been as lucky as us, that she loved him the way he wants her too" a tear escaped the girls eyes and rolled down her cheek in silence and Xander felt awful just seeing that tear fall.

"I know, it's tough for them" Xander sympathised, "but maybe they can work it out" he tried to be positive, but in his heart he knew he was less than confident for a happy ending for his two friends. "Come here" he beckoned to his girlfriend, as he pulled her close as he could get her and held her tight as a few more tears escaped for her friends sake.

Xander closed his eyes and fought back his own painful tears. Buffy was so blind when it came to Angel, sometimes he just wanted to grab her an shake her until some sense got knocked into that brain of hers, but blindness wasn't a crime, especially where love was concerned. Hadn't he been blind about his feelings for Willow, and her for him too? It had taken all this time for Spike to realise his feelings too, Xander only wished that things had been different for the bleach blond he'd come to think of as a brother over the years.

Spike was a good man, sure he liked to act cool and tough sometimes, but the guy had a heart of gold and the biggest priority in his life was always his friends, especially Buffy. They were as inseparable as he and Willow were, at least he'd thought so. Even when Spike had dated Drusilla, he'd come back to Buffy, leant on his best friend, when the black goddess had flitted town, with Riley, the diabolical fiend, who had pretended to be Spike's friend in college.

And now, well, now the guys world was falling apart because Buffy had decided that scumbag Angel was who she was in love with. She couldn't just fall in love with Spike and make their little group perfect? No, she couldn't be expected to turn her feelings on and off, anymore than anyone else could. It was all just an unfortunate situation and it made Xander think how lucky he was that he and Willow loved each other so much.

"You know" he said softly, "maybe we shouldn't tell them...about us"

"Why not?" Willow asked, her head snapping up and almost knocking Xander's off his shoulders as she looked him in the eye, practically terrified he might be ashamed or embarrassed that they were a couple now.

"Well, do we really want to ram our happiness down their throats? Especially Spike, he's already so broken about the Buffster" the brunette explained and Willow sighed in relief before feeling bad for her friends again.

"You're right" she nodded, again thanking her lucky stars that she'd been so fortunate that she was in love with this wonderful man who was in love with her too. Of course, the friends did not even know the whole story of Buffy and Spike yet. They had no idea Angel had dumped Buffy or that she'd found comfort and much more in Spike's bed last night, or that the girl had run this morning, run away to heaven knows where...

The train pulled out from the station, it's third stop since it had left Sunnydale and Buffy's tears fell harder, the further away she got from her home and her friends and Spike. What she'd done had hurt him so badly, and when he hurt she did too. As if her being pregnant weren't bad enough, and then Angel...she didn't even want to think about him. She closed her eyes and willed the thoughts away, thoughts of what had happened between her and Angel, especially that look on his face, a mixture of contempt and disgust as he'd told her it was over.

What started to shock the blonde as Sunnydale slipped away along with her consciousness, was that the pain of losing Angel was not as bad as that she felt when she thought of the pain she'd caused her oldest and best friend. What she'd done with Spike, the night after her break up with Angel, in the morning she was confused by what it meant, but when she looked back on it, remembered it, she knew it had felt so right at the time, so natural and so wonderful.

Could it be that way if she didn't love him as he loved her, she wondered. If it was only for comforts sake and no more, why had it felt so much more special than anything she'd shared with Angel? She didn't understand and that was the other reason why she'd run away.

There was no way she was ever going to be able to sort out the thoughts and feelings swimming around in her heart and her head with Spike and even Angel so close by. She needed time and she needed space, just like she had told her friend in the note she left behind. Buffy would return to Sunnydale, she knew she would, in a few days or a few weeks, she wasn't sure yet. The creation she carried inside of her would live for now, she didn't have the reason to get rid of it anymore, though she was still unsure what she felt about it. 

As sleep finally took over, the picture in Buffy's mind was painful and yet beautiful, she saw Spike, and knew she would in every dream she had, until she came home.

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To Be Continued...


	13. What She Does To Me

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A/N : Didn't realise how long this chapter had got until I'd finished it, I hope it's not too boring or depressing. I think I may be losing readers cos this is too miserable and angsty but if you can bear it for a few more chapters, I do promise it will eventually get better...anyway, thanks for those who have kept on reviewing, I did a little shout out in the note on chapter 9, here's another to say thankyou so everyone who has reviewed since then...thanks to; courtney, Spoiler Babe, Jen, SpIkEs AnGeL, Meagan, Spikes Bint, tinkerbell42, Mita427, Lori2, Chofita, spikewuvsbuffy, EmilyTheStrange1, SpuffyGal03, hannah, buffsterangelicxws, LunarFaerie - you guys are great! :-) Please keep reading and reviewing, here is the thirteenth chapter...

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 13 - What She Does To Me

Monday morning came too soon, and Spike just couldn't face the thought of working. He called in sick yet again and he knew he was playing a dangerous game now, too many more days of alleged illness and he was going to be in some serious trouble with his boss, but his employment was the last thing on Spike's mind right now, the main thing of course being Buffy.

Where was she? What was she doing? What was she thinking about? All questions that came to mind the moment his eyes opened, and possibly even before they had. Sleep had only been possible because he was so emotionally drained that his body just couldn't function anymore until it had rested, even now that it had it's much needed sleep, Spike still didn't feel able to move. He felt numb and lost without his precious girl.

Desperate to think of other things, Spike forced himself off the bed and towards the kitchen. Still no food to speak of in the cupboards, he noticed, of course grocery shopping had been even further from his mind than his job, this last week or so. Breakfast was not going to happen and to be honest the bleach blond didn't care, didn't care about anything much this morning, except the girl that clouded his thoughts, that made him so happy just a short time ago and was now turning him into the most miserable man on the planet, just by not being there.

Spike decided even if he wasn't going to work today, he had to find something to do, anything to occupy his mind. He went to the living room, sat down on the couch and flicked on the TV. The daytime shows were far from his kind of thing, all for bored housewives, and nothing to interest this young man. He sighed as he turned the set off again and his mind immediately went to Buffy.

It was no good, he could think of nothing else. He wondered if talking to someone about it might make it better, he doubted it but the boredom and loneliness were going to drive him insane, if thoughts of his best friend didn't get there first.

Guessing he would be at work or at least on his way there by now, but deciding to try anyway, Spike picked up the phone and called Xander's apartment. After five rings he was about to hang up but a voice said 'hello?' just before he did.

"Xander? It's Spike" he said in as normal a tone as he could, "You busy, mate?"

"Spike" Xander greeted, "I was just, well, I...is everything okay?" he wanted to know, noticing his friends voice was not as cheerful as usual, and of course remembering how upset he'd been when he'd last seen him.

"Everything is..." Spike was going to say fine, but he knew such a blatant lie would be easily identifiable to his friend even on the phone, he was too upset to get such an untruth out of his mouth without crying like a poof, he was sure "Everything is horrible" he admitted with a sigh, "Don't s'pose you could spare us a couple of hours for a chat, could you?" he asked him, "Kind of a man to man thing"

Xander looked from the living room through to his own room where Willow still lie in his bed, asleep right now, tired out despite the fact neither of them had really left the bed for the past twenty four hours and more, but then they weren't exactly doing a lot of sleeping in there. The brunette sighed, he'd already called work and managed to get the day off but so had Willow and the plan was to spend it together...

"Sure, I don't have to work anyway so I'll be right over" he said into the phone, knowing Wills would be upset but also that she would understand Spike needed a friend right now. Something awful had probably happened with Buffy since Friday when he'd last seen his best male friend, and he had to be there for him when he asked. Help was not something Spike often asked for, in anything, which made Xander all the more concerned about him.

"Thanks mate" Spike answered sincerely, "Means a lot"

As the two men hung up the phone, Xander wandered back to his room and lightly shook Willow's shoulder.

"Hey sweetie" he smiled and spoke softly as her eyelids flickered open.

"Hey" she grinned, before asking, "why are you all standing and with the clothes and everything?"

"I'm sorry honey but I'm gonna have to go out for a while. I think something happened with Spike and the Buffster, he just called and he doesn't sound so good" Xander explained as he pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a white T-shirt, then hunted around for his shoes.

"Is he okay?" Willow asked, sitting up, pulling the sheets around her body as she watched her new boyfriend search frantically for his footwear, "I mean, you don't think he'd do anything stupid, do you?"

In all honesty, Xander didn't know what Spike would do, he had no idea how upset he was or even the whole reason why, but he couldn't tell Willow of his worries.

"I'm sure he'll be fine" he attempted a smile as he pulled on his newly found shoes and moved toward the bed again, "I'll be back as soon as I can, but you do understand why I have to go right?" he practically begged her with his eyes to not be mad at him, oF course she never could be.

"It's okay" the red-head smiled, and he rested a hand on the side of her head and kissed her softly on the lips, "You want me to come with?" she asked as he pulled away again.

"No you stay here" the brunette told her, "I think this is a guy kind of a thing" he explained, "and besides, I need you to keep the bed warm for when I get back" he grinned, mischief twinkling in his eyes as he moved in to kiss her again. It took a lot of will power for him to walk away, but he did and it took just a few minutes to walk to Spike's apartment.

"Thanks for coming, mate" Spike managed half a smile as he let Xander into the apartment. The brunette nodded in response as he came in and both men took a seAt on the couch. Silence reigned and it was starting to annoy Xander.

"Spike you asked me to come over here to talk" he said looking over his friend whose eyes were fixed on the carpet "and now you're all big with the silence, what gives?" he asked him.

"Buffy's gone" came the almost inaudible answer.

"Gone?" Xander echoed, panic rising in his voice "Gone where? What do you mean by gone?"

"Left Sunnydale, don't know where she's headed" Spike shrugged, before looking over at his mate and seeing definite fear in his eyes "don't worry, she'll be back" he assured him "just needs time to think, so she said..."

Xander looked a little calmer then as Spike went back to his in-depth study of the floor coverings. The non-resident of the apartment still had questions that needed answered, but his friend was not exactly forthcoming with the information.

"Think about what?" Xander prompted "Spike, come on man, tell me what happened"

A humourless laugh escaped the man's lips as his hands ran over his face, then pushed his hair back from his forehead.

"Where do you want me to start?" he asked.

"Beginning's always a good place" the man beside him suggested and with a sigh, Spike began his monologue about Buffy and how Angel had dumped her, followed by his arrival home to find the distraught girl already there. It was a lengthy explanation during which Spike lit up a cigarette and Xander did not complain about passive smoking and lung cancer as he usually did. Spike had gone through enough these past few days, he at least deserved one cigarette in peace, if that's what he felt he needed. As the most important part of the conversation came, Spike's pauses in his speech became much longer and Xander was practically falling on the floor he was so far on the edge of his seat.

"And then, she just kissed me and...I dunno how it happened" the bleach blond shook his head as he explained the events of Saturday night and Sunday morning "we just didn't stop and...y'know" he looked away, suddenly very uneasy.

"You and the Buffster made with the ...making?" Xander asked, wide eyed and completely shocked by what he'd just been told. The very fact that his two friends had been together that way was surprising enough, but that made Spike's misery such a mystery now. 

"Yeah, all night" Spike answered with a dreamy kind of a smile, that quickly disappeared as he exhaled smoke into the room "I thought I'd died and gone to heaven, then in the morning..."

"She blew you off?" Xander guessed, and that was why Spike was so bummed all over again.

"Got it in one" came the reply, his friends voice much quieter than usual as he stubbed his fag out on a coaster that sat on the coffee table.

"Geez, Buffy is like one of my best friends, and I know you're in love with her" Xander sighed "but man, that girl has serious issues with guys!" he realised, thinking of Angel as well as Spike.

"Don't I know it" said the man beside him, taking a second cigarette from the packet and lighting up again "Kind of gives me problems too though" he said "what with the whole being in love with the silly bint and all" he laughed but his heart wasn't in it and Xander tried desperately to look sympathetic, and not cough up a lung as Spike blew smoke all over him.

"Okay, I need a beer" the brunette announced, thinking logically that Spike couldn't have a can of alcohol and a cigarette at his mouth at the same time "and I think you do too" he nodded, standing up and heading for the kitchen.

"You won't find any in there" Spike called after him "or anywhere for that matter. I've sort of drunk the place dry, one way and another" he explained with a half smile as Xander turned back to him. 

Glancing between his friend and the door, the man on his feet decided it was safe to leave Spike alone, just long enough to fetch some foamy goodness. He was miserable but not suicidally so, at least Xander hoped not, it was often hard to know exactly what was going on in that guys head...

"Okay, give me ten minutes" he said eventually, heading for the door.

Practically running to the nearest store and back, Xander's mind whirled with intense thoughts. Angel had dumped Buffy. Buffy and Spike had slept together. Buffy was gone. Spike was in love with her and miserable again. Then there was himself and Willow. The one thought amongst all the badness that brought a smile to his face, and Xander felt horribly guilty for it.

As he came back to Spike's front door and knocked, he knew it was all going to come to the point where he was going to have to lie to his friend, one way or another. He couldn't tell the truth, couldn't tell him he'd had the day off work to spend in bed with Willow, couldn't tell him he was in love with her and she felt the same, how awful would that be for the guy who had been so unfortunate in his own situation of the being in love with his best friend?

Xander knew if his life had have been a plot in a movie he was watching, he'd be laughing by now at how ridiculous it was. Four friends, two guys and two girls, three of which fall for each other, a fourth who doesn't. Throw in some sex and confusion and bring to the boil with a whole load of tears and misery, there it was on a plate, his life, his friends lives, the comedy show of the year to a passer-by.

Four hours past before Xander left Spike's apartment and headed back to his own. During that time they'd talked over everything, old times as well as the painful present, the brunette being careful how much alcohol he drank for fear of divulging the secret he knew he must keep for everyone's sake. Spike had come so close to crying several times and Xander was pretty sure when he left that his friend would release so many tears when he was finally alone, left with the best cliché Xander could come up with at the time 'things will get better in time'.

As the young man entered his apartment once again, he found Willow, no longer in his bed but sitting on the sofa, watching TV and stuffing cookies in her mouth, a sure sign she'd been worrying, Xander knew, Willow was not big with the over-eating of sweet things, unless something was bothering her.

"Hey I thought you were keeping that bed warm, Worry-Girl" he smiled as he came to sit beside her on the couch.

"I was" she nodded, trying to swallow before she sprayed her lover with crumbs, "and I'm not Worry-Girl" she protested, before adding off Xander's look, "okay, so I was a little worried...is Spike okay?"

"Not so much" came Xander's grim reply, "it's a long story but before we get into it there's something I have to say" he said as seriously as he'd ever said anything.

Willow put the half empty box of cookies down on the coffee table, turned off the TV and swallowed hard, before turning to the man she loved, sharing a serious look with him.

"Okay" she nodded, "say it" she readied herself for whatever good or bad might come.

"Willow" Xander said slowly, "I want you to know that I'm so completely in love with you, and that last night was, in more ways the one, the most incredible night of my life. And if you don't feel the same, or you regret anything about it, I want you to tell me now, because I don't think my heart could take the breakage if you wait too long to tell me"

With tears behind her eyes and a ghost of a smile on her lips, Willow lifted a hand to Xander's face, running her fingers over his cheek and back through his hair, without a word. She leaned forward slowly until her lips touched his in the sweetest of kisses, before pulling away slightly and smiling. 

No words were needed, he knew what she meant. She felt exactly the same and their love would be eternal they both knew, as the gap between them closed once again, and they became as close as it was humanly possible to be once again. It was several hours before Xander got around to telling Willow about Spike and Buffy, but there was no doubt in either of their minds by the time those hours were over, that they were both completely in love with each other.

To Be Continued...


	14. One Week Later

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A/N : Hey guys! Thanks to SpIkEs AnGeL, LunarFaerie, Spoiler Babe, fictionfreak2 for continuing to read and review, it means a lot. Not much else to say so...here's the next chapter...

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 14 - One Week Later

A week passed and despite Xander's positive words, things did not get better for Spike. It was Sunday, exactly one week since he'd woken up at Buffy's side, since she'd told him their night had been only for comforts sake, since she'd walked out of his apartment and out of Sunnydale and his life, for now at least.

As much as he tried nothing shifted the depressing thoughts of Buffy's lack of romantic feelings for him from his mind. He needed, at the very least, to know where she was, what she was doing...

Spike shook his head in frustration. After a week of fitful sleep, tears and sorrow, emptiness and nothingness, he'd taken every day off work, and only spoke to Willow and Xander when he really had to. They worried about him, he knew it, but he couldn't face them, couldn't pretend to be okay when it felt like he was being physically ripped apart from the inside out.

Today had to be different, he told himself as he wandered into the kitchen and got a glass of water from the tap. He gulped it down, as if to drown the feelings he had inside, before slamming the glass onto the counter and sighing deeply, the tap still running slightly by itself.

Silence reigned in the apartment as it had a lot these past seven days and nights. Everything completely quiet except for the quiet swoosh of the water from the tap and one other thing Spike realised.

Why he suddenly found it so annoying was a mystery to him, but the constant dripping sound made by the leak somewhere beneath the sink, was driving him insane. Normally, he barely paid attention to it, hence the fact that three months after noticing said leak, he had still not bothered to fix it. He'd meant to of course, he figured it would be a simple enough job, something he could do in an hour or less, one weekend when he wasn't too busy or too lazy, but that weekend never came, until today.

Thinking of Buffy, worrying and wondering and going over and over things in his mind was making Spike crazy and he needed something, anything to take his mind off the topic of her.

In the problems of the apartments plumbing, he would find his escape, a small job was all it was but it would require concentration on something other than Buffy, so it was all good.

Turning off the tap, Spike opened up the cupboard doors underneath the sink and began to empty it so he could gain access to the pipes, carefully standing the contents of the cupboard on the floor to the side of him.

It wasn't long before the top half of Spike's body was hidden inside the formerly full cupboard, his legs sticking out across the kitchen floor as he tried to ascertain exactly where the leak was coming from and what he might need to do in order to fix it.

As he ran his hand along the pipe, he found no cracks or holes and realised the leak must be coming from a loose joint rather than a break. Knowing now the job would only require the wrench he was sure was hidden somewhere and some of that brute force he knew he definitely had, Spike crawled out of the cupboard and lifted himself off the floor to go find the tool he required, tripping over a bottle on the way and spilling bleach all over the kitchen floor.

The air turned blue with a few of Spike's favourite curses as he attempted to clean up the yellow/green goop that wanted to engulf the entire tiled surface of the floor. After many attempts with various implements, the floor was clear of bleach, but one patch of tiles were distinctly whiter than the rest.

It shouldn't bother him, a guy in his early twenties, living alone, a free agent, the last thing he needed to worry about was the state of the kitchen floor, but it bothered him. It bothered him not because he'd spilled something, not because the floor was two different shades, not because he cared about it himself, but because he knew Buffy would notice and she wouldn't like it.

'No' he reprimanded himself, inside his head, 'no thinking about her' he thought as he went to look for the wrench he needed to fix the leaky pipe. A couple of minutes of digging in his toolbox and there he found what he needed and returned to the kitchen to take up his previous position, half in and half out of the cupboard beneath the sink.

As it turned out, the joint that required tightening had rusted itself in the wrong position and despite Spike's best efforts to fix the problem, it just refused to budge. His anger rising at his failure, Spike pulled the wrench one final time, as hard as he could, completely wrenching the pipe so hard he pulled the joint clean off and sent water spraying everywhere!

"Bloody buggering hell..." this and much worse curses flowed from his lips as the bleach blond escaped from beneath the sink, desperate to force back the water that was firing at him, before he completely drowned.

Taking a deep breath and trying to lean to one side of the spray, Spike pushed the joint back into place and tightened it with the wrench, as quickly as he could. The speed was however somewhat in vain as the floor was already covered with water which now soaked through his blue jeans as he knelt on the floor. His lesser worn white T-shirt clung to his body, completely soaked through, and it was difficult to tell if the droplets on his face and in his hair were sweat from the exertion of the task or water from the pipe he'd been working on.

Breathing somewhat heavily, Spike slumped down in the puddle on the kitchen floor, staring at the now fixed plumbing beneath the sink, figuring he was so wet now it didn't really matter if he got a little bit wetter. It was a warm day and the water was cold, almost pleasantly so and even if it were uncomfortable, the young man would probably not have noticed, especially when he heard a sound behind him. He swivelled around and came face to legs with a woman in his kitchen doorway, before he even glanced up he knew who's face he would see.

"Kind of a mess in here" Buffy attempted a smile as Spike scrambled to his feet, unsure whether to speak or laugh or cry or if he might dare to hug his friend that he'd missed so much, been so confused by his feelings for.

"Yeah" he nodded, in answer to her comment, taking in the sight of her, as beautiful as ever, if not looking a little tired and almost as uncomfortable as he felt. She blushed, he noticed and was unsure why until he remembered the state of himself.

Buffy glanced away from him, she'd had a tough time this last week trying to figure out her exact feelings for this man, whether it was just physical attraction and friendship she felt, or whether it was something more.

Walking in to see him standing there, his wet clothes clinging to his gorgeous body, droplets of water running from his currently slicked back hair, rolling down his perfect face. Trying to find another place to look was complicated, the kitchen was small and he was right in front of her. In a moments madness her gaze landed on his own, those bright blue eyes that used to bring such comfort to her were either trying to drown her or burn a hole into her, she wasn't sure which, she wasn't sure whether she minded either...

Spike made a sound of realisation as he glanced away from her and down at himself. He must look a strange sight, he realised, soaked through from head to toe, like he'd showered in his clothes or something, well in essence he supposed he had, even if it was unintentional.

The idea that Buffy's silence and embarrassment were caused by her attraction to him in that moment, never crossed Spike's mind. He could think of nothing but the fact she was back, he felt equal parts thrilled to see her, pained as he remembered she did not feel the same as he did, and embarrassed at the state she had found himself and his home in.

"I should, er..." he stumbled on what he meant to say. The sentence that he managed to form in his head seemed unable to get out of his mouth correctly. Unable to be verbal at all, Buffy only nodded, looking at her feet which shuffled nervously until Spike had disappeared from view. 

It was going to be an interesting afternoon.

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To Be Continued

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A/N2 : If you need a little bit of happier fic, check out my new humour/romance Spuffy fic - Spell Bound :-) Oh and please review!!!


	15. I'll Be There

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A/N : Quick thankyou to everyone who is still reading and reviewing this fic; LunarFaerie, fictionfreak2, Michelle, tinkerbell42, Spikes Bint, SpIkEs AnGeL, Spoiler Babe - you guys are the best, you make me a very happy author! :-) Here's the next chapter for you...

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 15 - I'll Be There

Buffy had entered the apartment by way of her key when Spike had not answered her knocking. She was a little worried since she could hear noises coming from inside the apartment and yet her friend did not respond.

It had taken her a week, seven days to put everything straight in her head. She wasn't in love with Angel anymore, she saw what he was and she hated him. It had taken that day, the day when she'd seen Darla as pregnant as she could be, the day Angel had said she was nothing, the day she had fallen into Spike's arms and then his bed.

It was so clear to her now that Liam O'Conner was indeed the devil incarnate that everyone professed him to be, and she knew she was much better without him in her life. If course one part of him was still in her life, the creation that resided inside her, half herself and half her former lover. She could have got rid of it, still had the chance, but the thought of wilful destroying a life like this turned her stomach, made her feel physically sick. Buffy could not understand how she had ever agreed to such a thing before, but then she'd been in so deep with Angel, he could have told he to jump off the Brooklyn bridge and she probably would have done so willingly, without a second thought.

It scared the girl when she thought about it, when she realised just what a hold he'd had on her, but no more. She was her own woman now, with her own thoughts and feelings. If only these thoughts that she now had control over were not so muddled, she might be okay.

Spike, her best friend and her lover for just one faithful night, he'd taken up a lot of space in her head too, and dare she say also in her heart. She loved him, of course she did, had done since they were kids and knew she would forever, but to be _in_ love with him...Buffy had just never looked at Spike in a physical attraction kind of a way. Sure, they'd slept together that night, he'd taken her to places that she'd never even dreamed she could go, but, well, it never occurred to her that it could be because she was in love with him, not until now.

Bt what she'd done to this man, the horror of how badly she'd treated him, that haunted her. He may be able to forgive her, in time, but she was sure he could never be in love with her. Even if he had been before, which she thought was unlikely, how could he ever be now. It was all such a mess, but Buffy had felt she had a solution, a solution that right now was just not working.

Things needed to go back to normal. Buffy had been sure when she got on the train to come back to Sunnydale that given time, and some extreme hormone battling on her part, she could get over what ever this thing was that she'd started to feel for Spike, they could both move on from their little indiscretion and be best friends again like they had always been.

Walking in and seeing him looking like that, so very... 'no, don't go there' she'd reprimanded herself, as he stood before her, and all she wanted to do was re-enact things she'd been trying to repress. Now, ten minutes later, here he was again and despite the fact he was now dried off and in different clothes, he still looked gorgeous and Buffy was seriously beginning to wonder how she'd ever been so blind, that she hadn't noticed until now just how attractive Spike really was.

"I think we need to talk" he said too quietly, Buffy was not used to such a nervous tone or look from this man. She nodded once and they moved to sit down, pushing themselves into the ends of the sofa, the biggest gap between them as was possible on a couch that would barely seat three people who were fairly close anyway.

"Where did you go?" was his first question, and she was almost relieved that the first of the many she was sure were coming was so easy.

"LA" she said in a whisper, "I visited Cordelia"

Spike nodded, and smiled a little, he had no doubt Cordy would have a few choice words to say on the subject of Angel and himself and everything else. She had been a good friend to Buffy and himself during college and then she'd gone on to Los Angeles to find a career in acting. She was a nice enough girl and Spike always liked her, as Buffy did, he wondered though, just how much of the story of the past couple of weeks Buffy would have divulged to Miss Chase.

"I didn't tell her everything" Buffy continued, answering the question in Spike's head as if she'd read his mind, she did things like that a lot, "Just that Angel and me broke up and I felt like a break from Sunnydale, wanted to see my friend..." she trailed off, realising Spike was still looking at the floor and the walls and everywhere that wasn't at her. Was he even listening?

"Spike?" she prompted, putting her hand on his arm without thinking and causing them both to jump as he looked over at her suddenly, "I'm sorry" she said quietly, not sure exactly what she was apologising for, but knowing she just wanted to. She was sorry for hurting her best friend, sorry for lying, sorry for herself, sorry for everything.

"I know" came her friends reply, "I know that you're sorry"

Of course he meant something different. He thought she was sorry for the night they'd spent together, the night he thought was about true love and that she said was only for comforts sake, he thought she regretted that and it hurt more than anything else ever had. But she was still his friend, his best friend, and even if he could never have her as a lover, he had to have her as a friend, couldn't bear to live in a world where she wasn't at his side.

"So..." he sighed, "S'pose we should put all this behind us now" he said as he looked over at her, "Move on"

"As friends?" Buffy checked, so scared he meant move on without each other, tears coming to her eyes again, her voice barely audible as emotion took it.

"As best friends luv" he managed a smile, "Wouldn't have it any other way"

Buffy cried then, for joy and sadness. She moved closer to her friend, dared to put her arms around him and hugged him close, so happy to be there again, in that apartment, in those strong arms. Tears fell because she was so glad to be back there with him, so glad they could still be friends, but some pain was felt within her as she realised she had been right and friends was all he wanted.

Spike was having the same feelings, though neither knew of the others mixed emotions. As he hugged her tightly to him, breathed in the scent of her hair, fought back the droplets that tried to escape his eyes, he told himself to be thankful for what he had got, instead of wishing for those things he could never have. He had his best friend back in his life, for now at least, that was enough. It was only as the pair came out of each others embrace, that a thought hit him...

"Buffy, pet" he began, not hugging her anymore but still sitting close, almost uncomfortably so, "the baby?" he had to ask what had happened about that. Had she gone through with the termination or had things changed since Angel dumped her?

"I can't" she choked out, her emotions still causing tears and a lack of voice.

Spike sighed as he looked at her, not the strong woman she used to be, but a scared little girl since Angel, the great wanker, had got his claws into her.

"It's okay, luv" he assured her, pushing a few stray strands of her blonde hair behind her ear, "I'll be with you, even come to the place with you if you want" he promised, "I understand that you can't cope with a kid and..."

"No" Buffy shook her head violently, "No, I can't do it" she tried to explain, "I can't get rid of it"

Spike wasn't sure whether that was good or bad. Of course to destroy what could be a child soon seemed callous and cruel, but this creation was half made of that bastard Angel and he hated the thought of Buffy having any connection to him at all. It was her life though, her creation inside her body, and therefore her decision to make.

"Well" he said slowly, "I'll still be here" he told her, looking away and then into her eyes, "Every step of the way Buffy" he said, taking hold of her hand in his and looking completely serious, "I will be here for you, always"

Not quite the reaction he was expecting, but Buffy began to sob uncontrollably before he'd even finished speaking. She was so happy that he would want to help her like that at the same time feeling so unworthy of his affection for her. He would help her through her pregnancy, she knew he meant it, just as he would have supported her should she have chosen to abort the not-yet child. She cried harder and Spike wrapped his arms around her once again, rubbing a hand up and down her back to soothe her tears as salt water soaked the front of his shirt, again.

So many tears had been shed, this past week or two. Her tears and his, not to mention those he knew they had caused their other friends to shed. But no more, he told himself. Things had to go back to normal, them being best friends, no more and no less. No more tears or heartache, there had been enough of that, but after all that had happened, with his feelings for her and her having Angel's baby, could things ever go back to normal?

As Buffy sobbed into her friends chest, she wished and wondered the same way. She would have her ex-lovers child, too afraid to let it go. She would repress her greater feelings for her best friend because it would cause less trouble. She would make things be the way they were, in time, she had to. But right now, all she could do was cry.

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To Be Continued...


	16. Heartbreak Lullaby

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A/N : I did promise you another chapter soon and here it is. Thanx to those who reviewed chapter 15 - Spikes Bint, LunarFaerie, tinkerbell42, Spoiler Babe, SpIkEs AnGeL1 - you guys are the best! :-) Here's the next installment of depression, lol, but I promise there will be a happy ending...eventually... ;-)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 16 - Heartbreak Lullaby

"It's getting late" Buffy noticed suddenly. 

It was several hours since she had first showed up at Spike's apartment, since they'd put things right between them and she'd cried like a baby all over him. After that they'd talked a little, she helped him clean up the kitchen for lack of knowing what else to do and now silence prevailed as the sun went down and darkness fell over the town around them.

"Yeah, s'pose it is" came Spike's reply as his friend moved from the couch over to where her bag and coat were.

"So, I guess I should head home" the blonde said as she pulled on her jacket and picked up the bag. Spike was about to tell her she didn't have to leave but then he wasn't so sure if he should. It'd definitely be uncomfortable, even if she realised the implications of them sharing a bed and allowed him to take the sofa for the night. Having her there in his home, distinctly lacking in clothing and just a few feet away, he wasn't sure if he could bear it. But Buffy shouldn't be alone and the thought of her being in pain and all alone tonight was worse.

"Buffy" he called after her as she reached the door, causing her to turn around sharply in surprise at the sound of his voice, "Y'know if you want you can stay here"

There was a long pause, both of them considering what that statement meant. She could stay because they were friends, because he loved her, because she needed to not be alone and maybe he needed her company too...

"Thanks" the blonde girl nodded, a small smile playing on her lips, "but I shouldn't" she shook her head slightly, tightening her grip on the handle of her bag and turning back toward the door.

"Why?" Spike found himself asking, even thought he knew every one of the hundred reasons why she felt she shouldn't stay, why they both knew it would be best if she walked away, "Buffy" he continued, not giving her a chance to answer, her back was still to him but she made no move to actually go out of the front door, "I want you to stay...if you want to, that is"

Buffy closed her eyes, left hand gripping the handle of her bag so tight that the circulation almost stopped, her right hand half way to the latch of the door, not sure whether to actually open it and leave or just turn around and stay here, where she did truly want to be...

"I do want to" she answered softly, he barely heard her as she dare not turn around until she'd finished speaking. As they both looked over at the other, their eyes met briefly and both evidently felt the effect, equal parts comfort and discomfort.

"You take the bed, I'll take the sofa" Spike smiled, standing up, crossing the short distance between them and taking Buffy's bag from her, "No arguments, okay?"

"Okay" came her quiet reply as she nodded, let her grip go on her bag and followed him as he entered the bedroom, put her bag there and picked up a pillow and a blanket.

"I'll see you in the morning then" he said turning toward the door to leave, Buffy shuffled nervously, nodded her head in answer to his question as he opened the door and made to exit the room.

"Goodnight Spike" she called to him just before the door closed behind him.

"Goodnight pet" came his reply, then he was gone.

With a deep sigh, Buffy closed her eyes and collapsed forwards onto the bed. It was a bed she'd slept in almost as many times as she'd slept in her own, it was also the bed that she'd shared with Spike in a completely non-sleep related way too.

It was strange, the idea of sleeping in his bed without his arms around her, but Buffy now realised it was unlikely that she and her best friend could ever get back to a place where such an arrangement would be comfortable again.

What they had done, the night they had shared, stirring up feelings within each other that they never knew were possible, it had changed their perfect friendship into something so much more complicated. Now, he could not hold her whilst she slept, could not bear to be in the room with her and as much as he said he forgave her, Buffy had a feeling it was because she had hurt him so much that he refused to be close to her that way.

She was somewhat relieved when he'd said she could stay, she didn't want to spend the night in her empty apartment, alone with just her painful thoughts and bitter-sweet memories. There in the next room, she imagined Spike, trying to lay comfortably on a sofa that was far too short for his height. Would he sleep in his clothes, she wondered as she removed her own, pulled on the over sized T-shirt she wore to sleep in, and climbed into the bed. Would he think of her before he closed his eyes? Would he dream about her? She'd dreamt about him, a lot when she was in LA. She'd dream of Angel first, his arms around her, his lips on her skin, and then it would change and it would be Spike she was with, who was making her feel all these wonderful things, better even than what she felt when it was Angel. She'd dreamt of the baby too, the barely existent creation it was now was insignificant in her sub-conscious, in her dreams it really was a child, her child, and sometimes these dreams were nightmares and she would lose the child, or Spike, or both, and wake up screaming in distress when something awful happened to either one or both of them...'but they're just dreams, and tonight will be better' she told herself, just as she had every night for the past week, but to no avail. Still she had to believe it, as she closed her eyes and floated away to the land of dreams.

In the next room, Spike was far from comfortable and not just because he was a foot or more longer than the piece of furniture he was attempting to rest upon. The blanket was too small and the pillow did little to make his head relax, but the most uncomfortable thing was knowing that the girl he loved, that for one night he'd been allowed to take as his own, was in the next room. So close and yet so unbelievably out of reach, the thought of it hurt enough, the reality was tearing him apart inside. 'It would have been less bad to let her walk away' he sighed, before realising it was a lie. If she had left he would have hated himself for letting her go when she was upset and lonely. Whatever had happened between them, whatever would happen or would not, they were still friends, the best of friends, and he had promised to be there for her. 'And so I bloody shall be' he promised himself, before he too closed his eyes and drifted off for the night.

She was running, running so fast that her legs were burning as if they were on fire, but she couldn't make herself stop. It was dark and it was cold and she couldn't seem to run fast enough to get away but she had try.

"Buffy!" she heard her name off to her left and she changed direction, and then stopped suddenly. Did she go towards the voice or away from it? She listened.

"Buffy!" the voice was closer now, the person coming toward her as she stood there in the dark, shivering and afraid.

"Who's there?" she called and suddenly he was beside her - Angel.

"You're nothing, Buffy" he sneered, walking around her, taunting her, "You're nothing and nobody...nobody wants you, nobody needs you, you're just a waste of space"

"No" Buffy began to scream, "no, no, no" she covered her ears with her hands, sank down to the floor and cried, her attempts to block out the cruel words futile as he sounded loud as ever. Then just as soon as he'd come, he was gone.

"What did you do?" she heard next, a smaller voice, a younger one, "What did you almost do? What will you do now?" it asked in a sing-song tone.

Buffy dared to look up and saw a child standing beside her, dark hair like Angel's, eyes the colour of her own.

"You're not real" she gasped, "And I didn't..."

"You almost did" the child interrupted, "You don't deserve me"

"No" Buffy cried reaching out a hand to the little girl before her, but the child stepped back further and further, disappearing into the dark again.

"You don't deserve me" she heard again, a third voice, a man's voice, one she knew only too well.

"Spike?" she called into the black, scrambling to her feet.

"What happened Buffy?" he asked as he appeared before her, she moved to go into his arms but he backed up, "It all changed Buffy, what did you do?" he asked her and she shook her head as more tears fell.

"I didn't mean too..." she cried but he was already disappearing.

"You didn't mean to" his voice echoed, even after he was gone "but you did"

The empty darkness was shattered by a rumble like thunder, a flash like lightening and a scream that pierced the space around her like a knife.

Buffy woke up with a jolt, sweat pouring from her forehead as she sat straight up, breathing heavily, petrified by her nightmare that had seemed all too real.

Running her hands over her face and back through her blonde hair, Buffy realised the tears were real, or maybe that was just the perspiration from the sheer fright, she wasn't sure. The dreams she'd had the past few nights had been bad but the feelings were so real, the voices so piercing, the dark so black and suffocating, it was just so real when she was there and so hard to push away when she awoke.

Without a sound, she swung her legs over the side of the bed, put her weight onto the shaky limbs and crept toward the door. Carefully and quietly she opened the bedroom door, it creaked a little as she knew it would, but did not wake the man in the next room.

Just a few steps brought her into the living room and there she saw Spike, on the sofa, fast asleep as she guessed he would be. He looked so peaceful when he slept and she wondered what his dreams were like tonight. Nothing like hers she was sure or he would never look so tranquil. Moving closer to him, she was struck by just how beautiful he looked lying there. She knew he was attractive, it had been hard enough to ignore before, but he looked so angelic as he slept and that only made her think of Angel. She'd watched him sleep before and when she thought of it, he was nothing like his name, no angelic look to him at all. But Spike, her William, he could not have looked more perfect, 'because he is perfect' she realised as she stood right beside the couch and wondered how he could continue to sleep when she was staring so hard, she could not, she was sure.

Not a thought in her head but the need to be close to him, Buffy sat on the edge of the sofa, before laying her head down on his chest and tucking her legs up next to his as best she could. There was barely enough room for him, nevermind both of them and she would have given up on her plan if it were not for the fact she was so unbelievably comfortable there, despite the fact she should not have been.

Buffy's eyes dropped closed and she hoped for more peaceful rest this time, she knew for sure that it would come as Spike shifted in his sleep, his arms subconsciously winding around her and holding her tightly to him.

The blonde girl revelled in the wonderful feeling of being where she felt she belonged, pushed away thoughts of how awkward things might get in the morning and concentrated on getting a good nights sleep, without the nightmares she knew would be removed, just by his presence, by his arms around her.

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To Be Continued


	17. Natures Way

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A/N : Okay, we're heading back into the sad and depressed world with this chapter, hence the reason why I waited to post this so I could post the next chapter of 'Spell Bound' at the same time. Glad you liked the previous chapter and big thanks to tinkerbell42, Spikes Bint, Azrielle, SpIkEs AnGeL, LunarFaerie, RoboShiflo for the great reviews - I luv you guys! You make me smile everytime! :-) I would say that I hope you enjoy this chapter, but maybe 'enjoy' is the wrong word...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 17 - Nature's Way

The sounds of the town getting ready for a new day awoke Spike from his pleasant dreams. He'd been dreaming about Buffy and himself, just being together, talking and kissing, laughing, being happy. It wasn't an exciting dream but it was a wish from his heart that his subconscious let him see inside his head at night, and he would almost be completely content to never wake up if he could just stay in that non-reality with her, the place where she was in love with him as he was with her.

As his eyes flickered open and he shifted his body, he realised he was not alone, that his arms were around the friend he'd just been thinking of. He didn't remember how she got there or how they'd got into this position, clasped together on the sofa, and whilst he knew it didn't change things, that she was nothing more than just his friend and probably never would be, he loved how it felt to have her there with him.

She'd slept in his arms a hundred times before, and he always liked to have her close to him, but it was different now, a different kind of nice feeling as she lay in his arms, her heart beating steadily against him, a slight smile on her lips. She looked like a fallen angel to him, her golden hair framing her perfect face, God how he wanted to kiss her in that moment.

As if she felt his eyes upon her, Buffy opened her own and looked up at the man that held her. His crystal blue orbs were boring into her, watching her so intently, as she looked back at him in a similar way. What did she say now? How did she explain her coming to him in the night? How was she supposed to resist this urge she had to kiss him right now?

"Hi" she said somewhat shyly, glancing away and then back at his face.

"Hey" came his reply, "er...I don't remember going to sleep like this" he smiled a little and she almost laughed. It must seem strange to him to just wake up and find her half on top of him, it had been strange for her, despite the fact she'd put herself into that position just a few hours before.

"I had a nightmare..." she started to say but Spike didn't really hear her, something was making his legs uncomfortable and it wasn't just having her on top of him that was doing it either. He absently wondered if he'd spilt the glass of water he'd fetched before he went to sleep, but water was wetter than this and not half so sticky.

Buffy was still talking, but he didn't hear a word as he looked down at the blanket that covered him and part of her, a nasty shock making his eyes go wide.

"...and I was a little freaked so I...something wrong?" she stopped mid-ramble to ask her question as she saw how strangely he was looking not at her but kind of past her.

"Pet, erm, you in any pain at all?" he asked her carefully and her face screwed up in confusion.

"No" she answered immediately, "Well, a little pain in my stomach but I figured what with well...y'know" she meant of course the baby, "and all the crying I did and not so much eating..." she trailed off, resting her head on his chest once more, snuggling close and enjoying feeling safe and cared for, momentarily forgetting the uncomfortable-ness between them before.

Spike closed his eyes and breathed deeply, braced himself for all kinds of bad reactions Buffy might have to what he knew he had to tell her.

"Sweetheart" he urged her to raise her head and look at him, which she did, with worried eyes at his serious tone, "Buffy, luv, you're bleeding, I think it's..." he couldn't say what he thought it was, what he was almost a hundred percent sure that it was. How do you tell a woman she has probably lost or is losing her child? Even if said child isn't really a child yet? Even if the father of the creation is no longer in the picture, and you're glad about it too?

Buffy frowned, not entirely understanding as carefully she rolled herself off her friend and got to the feet. The bottom of the long T-shirt she wore was only white to her middle, beneath that was stained and streaked in red as was part of the blanket they'd slept with and the sofa they'd been on.

"Oh my God" she whimpered, partially from shock, a little from pain as her body fully awoke and protested at what was happening, the bleeding and the getting up too fast combined, "Spike, what's happening?"

His shock subsiding as her panic rose, Spike leapt from the sofa and quickly fetched his robe, wrapping it around her he pulled on his jeans from the day before, not even thinking about the blood that streaked his legs.

"It's going to be okay, luv" he promised Buffy with much less certainty than he sounded like he had, "You are going to be okay"

Her tears began again and understandably so as Spike grabbed her purse from the table an rummaged in it for her car keys, on finding them he moved back to his friend, put an arm around her and explained.

"Buffy, I'm going to take you to the hospital" he told her, and she barely nodded, shock stopping her from crying too much, from feeling anything at all really. Realising he couldn't take her just in a robe he rushed to get his leather coat and hung than around her shoulders too, encouraging her arms through the sleeves just as he had with the robe.

"Come on now, luv" he urged her towards the door but she didn't move and he realised that whilst he had slipped his feet into his boots, she was still barefoot, a glazed look in her eyes as her gaze never shifted from the blood she could see on the little clothing she wore.

Not knowing what else to do, Spike put an arm around her back and another behind her knees, scooping her up like Superman preparing to fly off with Lois, only wishing he could fly now and get her to a hospital in time to help her and her would be child, but in his heart Spike knew whatever he did would be too late for the Angel-Buffy combination that had been growing inside of her.

He put her in the car and drove to the hospital, perhaps a little faster than he should have done, carrying her from the car to a doctor as soon as they arrived.

"Her name's Buffy and she's bleeding" he explained, "she's pregnant, or she was, she..I think.." he wasn't sure if she could stand to actually hear the words, but then he wasn't sure she would hear them if he said them. The doctors understood anyway, immediately getting Buffy to a bed and doing what they could for her.

Spike was kept in the waiting room for the longest twenty minutes of his life, part of him praying she would not lose the child, part of him not so bothered, and a further part feeling guilty about the part that didn't care. It wasn't about caring for Buffy, he loved her more than she would ever know, more than he could ever explain, but that which she carried was half an O'Connor, and as much as he'd promised he would help her and support her with the child., Spike knew it would be torture to have a mini-Angel running around the place, probably looking to himself as a father in the absence of the git who helped create him. But then it might have been a girl, a mini-Buffy and the idea of being connected to another being as sweet as her, well, even at this dire moment he had to smile at the thought.

"Mr Summers?" he heard a voice say and he looked up to see a nurse coming towards him, "You are Buffy Summer's husband?" she checked.

Spike was a little taken aback by that, before he realised why the mistake had been made. He'd rushed into a hospital panicking about the girl in his arms and the baby she might be losing. Naturally the staff had assumed it was his wife and his child.

"Is she okay?" he asked, not wanting to lie to the woman before him but knowing she would assume she was right without him saying so anyway.

"I'm sorry sir, she has lost the child" the nurse told him sadly and to be honest Spike wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. Angel was truly gone now but a little life had been lost, a part of Buffy and she would surely be pained by that as he was.

"But Buffy, she's okay herself?" he needed to know.

"She's upset obviously, and the doctor thinks she's a little run down, but medically she should be okay" the dark haired woman with the badge that read 'My name is Tina' told him.

"Can I see her?" was the next question she was expecting and of course she got it.

"Right this way" she gestured for Spike to follow her down the corridor, leaving him alone by the door of a room where he was told 'his wife' was staying for the day, possibly over night.

Peering in through the glass of the door, he could see his precious girl. She looked so pale and weak, he noticed, not at all herself. The large hospital bed made her look small and frail, her hair hanging somewhat limply around her face that was tear streaked, her expression pained.

Carefully he pushed open the door and went inside, expecting her to notice his entrance, speak to him, at least look up, but she didn't move, didn't even blink.

"How're you feeling, pet?" he asked her as he came to sit on the chair beside her bed. Still she did not move, did not answer. She was starting to scare him now.

"Buffy?" he called her name, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, trying to see her face more clearly as she stared off to the side, away from him, "Buffy, please" he begged her to acknowledge his presence and finally she looked up at him, as if she'd noticed him for the first time since he entered the room.

"Spike" she whispered hoarsely.

"I'm here, pet" he assured her and no sooner had the words left his mouth than she was in his arms, pulling him close to her, needing him just to hold her and tell her it would all be okay.

"I lost it, Spike, oh God, I didn't mean to" she sobbed into his shoulder as he held her close, stroked her hair and rubbed her back alternately.

"Sshh now luv" he murmured into her hair, "It's alright, it's not your fault, it's no-one's fault" he kissed the top of her head as he rocked her and she cried and cried. He wondered how she still had salt left to spill after all that had happened, but her sobs continued and so his comforting words and gestures did too. Neither was sure how much time passed as she let out all of her pain and he burdened as much as he could for her. He'd gladly soak every ounce of her heartache into himself so she would not have to suffer it if only he could, he didn't care how much his heart got beaten and scarred, it was all worth the agony just knowing she felt a little easier.

When the tears finally slowed and her body shook less, Spike still did not let up his hold on her and she was in no rush to leave the circle of his arms, or his love. With a loud sniff, Buffy found her voice and shakily told him the thought most paramount in her mind.

"I knew" she said her voice wavering as she spoke, "I knew it would happen, she told me"

"Who told you what, sweetheart?" Spike asked her gently, still holding her to him, rocking her gently, gaining as much good feeling from the closeness as she did.

"The baby" her voice cracked on the words, "I dreamt...she told me I didn't deserve her..." tears returned to her eyes and panic rose again in her voice as she pulled her head from Spike's shoulder and looked him the eye, never pulling back too far, still needing his arms around her, "and before I wondered, I thought it would be easier if...oh God Spike I didn't mean too" again the emotion took over and a fresh waterfall escaped her eyes as she buried her head in his shoulder once again.

Of course Spike knew the real reason why she cried now. It wasn't just the loss, it was guilt. There had been times over the past few days when she'd thought how much simpler things might be without the child she carried. She had nearly had an abortion after all, and now she'd lost the little bundle, well, she was blaming herself.

"Now you listen to me Buffy" he said seriously, but still with kindness as she sobbed, "This is not in any way your fault, it's just nature's way, these things, I don't know why they happen exactly, but sometimes they just do" he explained lamely, "but sweetheart, you couldn't control this, no-one could"

"But I feel so awful" she cried and how he wished he could make it better for her, wished he could turn back time and put it all right but there was just no way.

"I know, pet" he sympathised, "but you're going to be okay" he promised her, "Spike's here and he's going to look after you, always"

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To Be Continued


	18. Dazed And Confused

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A/N : Hey guys! I'm back, with a new chapter. Thanks to; SpIkEs AnGeL, spike wuvs buffy, chazza, tinkerbell42, LunarFaerie, motherkat, bherycherry, fictionfreak2, azrielle - for all the fabulous reviews. I'm sorry I made some of you cry, but hopefully I will make you smile soon...;-) Oh, motherkat asked, how come Spike is English in this story. Well, his parents are English and they moved to America when he was a little kid, but he has some of the accemt cos his family all speak like that...well, that's my story anyway and I'm sticking to it! lol

Hope you all like this new chapter and I hope you review for me...oh, and I'm adding the final chapter to 'Spell Bound' too so you might wanna go read that too (and review, please)

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For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1

Chapter 18 - Dazed and Confused

"We came as soon as we got your message" Xander rushed out as he came into the hospital room, Willow right behind him, both of them clearly out of breath from their rush to get to their friend in need.

Buffy was now half sitting, half laying in bed, Spike seated on the chair right beside her, her hand in both of his. He'd left a message on Willow's answering machine whilst he'd been in the waiting area, thinking perhaps she should know, and besides, he wasn't sure how well he was going to cope with having to be the shoulder Buffy cried on. Also another female might be handy to have around, given the nature of the incident. There are some things that, no matter how hard a man tries, he could never understand as well as a woman could. Presumably Willow had called Xander and it would've been his car that brought the pair to the hospital.

"Buffy, how are you feeling?" Willow asked her friend, coming to sit on the left edge of the bed as Xander stood at the end.

"I don't know" was Buffy's answer, and it was true. She had so many mixed up feelings rushing around inside of her. There was guilt over the baby and partly over Spike too, there was fear, there was relief, which brought guilt, plus the obvious sadness and finally an overbearing numbness that she didn't understand at all. Despite feeling a million different emotions she also felt extremely cut off from herself and the world, it was a very strange sensation.

"Is there anything we can do?" Xander asked, unable to think of anything himself but wishing he could. He too was having a severe attack of guilt. Whilst one of his best friends had been rushed into hospital, bleeding and in pain, he'd been half way to happy land with his secret girlfriend.

When Buffy didn't answer his question, Spike spoke up instead.

"Nothing much anyone can do about it" he said quietly, "She just needs rest and time..." he trailed off as his eyes moved from Xander and back over to his precious girl. He saw so much pain and confusion in her eyes and face, he just wanted to make all the badness go away for her and knowing that he couldn't was ripping him up inside. Feeling helpless was not something Spike had been used to, but it was something he'd felt a lot lately, still he just couldn't get used to it.

"Oh well, if you need rest maybe we shouldn't be here" Willow realised, getting to her feet again. Buffy made no movement, no sound, just stared more or less straight ahead. She'd been that way ever since what had happened. She'd cried all over Spike and when the tears ran dry she slumped back onto the pillows and was almost catatonic from then to now. 

Spike had to admit, if only to himself, that she was scaring him in a big way. This was not his Buffy, she was always a fighter, always strong just like he was. Partly he blamed himself for the change in her, maybe his loving her so much had done this to her. Mostly of course he blamed that wanker, Angel O'Connor, but he dare not think of him too much. He knew if he did he'd get uncontrollably angry and violent, and that would be of no use right now.

Willow and Xander made their exit and Spike whispered a promise to Buffy that he'd be right back before letting her hand slide from his and following his friends out of the door.

"She will be okay, right Spike?" Willow asked him with a worried frown and he sighed.

"I bloody hope so" he said, glancing back through the glass at Buffy lying in bed, off Willow's tear-filled eyes he amended, "Yes, Red, she'll be fine" he tried to smile as he pulled the girl into a hug and Xander did his best not to look like as jealous as he felt.

"Are _you_ gonna be okay, Spike?" the brunette checked as his friend released Willow.

"I have to be" was the bleach blond's answer, "for her sake, I have to be"

Both his friends knew his answer was double barrelled. He'd be okay in a physical sense, once he got over the tiredness and nausea that had come with the panic and getting up too fast that morning, but he'd also have to be okay with his feelings. Spike would have to hide his being in love with Buffy all over again, pretend he was comfortable around her even though he wasn't. Being near her was painful, holding her was torture, knowing that however close he seemed to get, it would never be close enough for him and she didn't want him as anything other than the best friend he had always been to her.

As Spike returned to watch over Buffy, Xander and Willow headed off down the hospital corridor towards the exit, his arm finding it's way over her shoulders as they walked.

"I feel so bad for Buffy" the red head was close to tears, "I can't imagine what she's going through"

"I know" Xander nodded in understanding, "but y'know, as awful as this is gonna sound, maybe it's for the best" he realised, "I mean, she didn't really want Angel's kid, especially not after everything that's happened"

"I guess" Willow all but whispered, as they came out through the front doors of the hospital.

"Hey" Xander turned his girl around to face him, his hands on her shoulders, "they are both going to be fine" he assured her, "just like us"

She managed half a smile at that as she went into his arms and he hugged her close.

"I wish we could tell them about us" she mumbled against his shoulder.

"I know, honey" her boyfriend replied, "but it wouldn't be all that fair, would it? I mean, we've got exactly what Spike wants with Buffy"

"I know" Willow nodded, hugging him even tighter if it were possible, feeling so lucky that everything had worked out for her and Xander and so scared that it might all go away, that they could end up like Spike and Buffy, so close and yet so far. 

"It'll never be like that with us" Xander told her, as if he'd read her thoughts. Surprised by the fact that he'd answered her unasked question, Willow pulled back and looked at him strangely, "What?" he asked off her look.

"Nothing" she sighed, "Just, I love you, that's all" she managed a smile though the tears in her eyes were still there for her friends. She reached up and kissed the man she loved so much.

"I love you too, Will" he told her as they broke apart, "Now, let's go home"

Back inside the hospital, Spike was getting increasingly worried about Buffy. Still staring off into space, looking completely vacant as she had done for the past few hours. At least when she'd been crying all over him she was showing some emotion, when she was telling him about her guilt at least she was talking to him. Spike wasn't a man who was easily scared but he had to admit Buffy was terrifying him right now.

It was agony to watch her just lying there like that, feeling so helpless because there was nothing he could do to make it better for her. Eventually, he decided to take a break from his vigil and fetch himself a coffee, he wasn't a huge fan of the drink but it would keep him from getting too tired and give him some excuse to leave the room for just a few minutes.

"I'm just going to fetch a drink" he told his near catatonic friend and she barely nodded in reply, "You need anything?" he checked and from her lack of answer he guessed probably not.

This was more than just losing the baby, Spike knew that. There was some guilt from it, which he understood, but she wouldn't be this bad unless there were other reasons too. He felt guilty as he realised perhaps he was to blame. It was idea that had been spinning in his mind for the last few hours as he'd sat beside her bed. Things had changed so much between them, from the solid friendship they'd started to argue over Angel, then he realised his deeper feelings for the girl he'd known almost all of his life. Their night together had only served to further confuse things and her running away should have given them both the time and space they needed to figure out their thoughts and feelings but, in truth, Spike wondered if any amount of time would really help them get out of the mess of emotions that they'd got themselves into.

When he returned to Buffy's room, cup of disgusting coffee in hand, a doctor was just leaving and they almost bumped straight into each other just outside the door.

"Mr Summers?" the doctor asked him and as much as the idea of being Buffy's husband appealed to him, Spike thought perhaps he should tell the truth.

"No, William Jones" he introduced himself formally, "Buffy is my..." he wondered what word he should use, "er...my friend" he finished eventually, "I brought her in"

The doctor nodded.

"Mr Jones, your friend is going to need a lot of rest and much looking after" he explained, "It's not just the miscarriage either"

Spike shot the older man a questioning look and the doctor gestured for him to follow down the corridor to his office where they could talk properly. Spike read the name plate on the desk as he came into the room and sat down opposite the man whose name was apparently Dr Carlton.

"Mr Jones" he began with a sigh "Ms Summers appears to be somewhat underweight, she's not altogether responsive and suffering from severe lack of sleep"

"But that's just stress and the whole baby thing" said Spike, not entirely sure he was convinced of his reasoning himself, "She'll be fine in a few days, right?" he asked worriedly.

"As I said before" the doctor went on, "she's going to need looking after if she is to get any better. She's going to need constant attention and whilst she's in her current state someone needs to make sure she remembers to eat, make sure she's comfortable and get as much sleep as she can..."

"I'll do it" came Spike's immediate answer.

"Mr Jones, William, I understand your concern for your friend, but it might be best if we keep Buffy in the hospital for a while longer..." Dr Carlton said beseechingly but Spike would not be deterred.

"No, Buffy doesn't like hospitals" he protested, "She'll be better off with me, I can look after" he said, perhaps more loudly than he should have, standing up from his seat as he continued, "I appreciate what your saying Doc, I do, but I can look after, I have to" he spoke without properly thinking it through, without considering the complications, the agonising feelings he could suffer, not to mention his job which he was already so close to losing after taking so much time off.

With a sigh the doctor also stood up.

"If that is your decision, and if Miss Summers agrees, I'll see about discharging her"

Spike smiled at the small triumph he had gained.

"But she must stay overnight" Dr Carlton warned, "I'll check on her tomorrow morning and then if there is no negative change, I'll release her tomorrow afternoon"

"Thanks Doc" Spike nodded, reaching to shake the man's hand, still not considering the problems that could incur when Buffy came to stay in his apartment, all he knew was he was getting the chance to look after her, make her feel better, and it felt wonderful to know that he could somehow.

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To Be Continued

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'Spike 1880-2003' [www.geocities.com/spike1880_2003] 


	19. Hidden Desires

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A/N : Hey! I kinda went crazy with the fic writing over the weekend in that I didn't do much else except write! lol. (I have posted to short things as well as this new chapter!) Now, I have started another fantasy fic and also the sequel to 'The Guy Next Door', so I'm wondering, do I start posting those now as well as this one or do you want me to finish this completely and then do the other two? It's totally your call. As far as this fic goes, I'm estimating another five chapters if everything goes according to plan. This chapter doesn't have a whole lot of major plot going on, it just kind of elapses some time so I can get to the cute Spuffy stuff that I have planned for the next chapter - yes, you did read that correctly, sweet Spuffy is on it's way! Quick thankyou to everyone who reviewed; LunarFaerie, SpIkEs AnGeL, RoboShiflo, fictionfreak2, Azrielle, tinkerbell42, bheryandcherry, Spoiler Babe - you guys make me so happy with your nice reviews :-) Here's the next chapter, hope you like...please review...and if you need an extra happy, check out my new website (see end of chapter 18 for the link)

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 19 - Hidden Desires

At first Spike hadn't been sure how Buffy had felt about his plan to have her move in with him until she was better, of course he barely knew how he felt about it himself now the true implications had reached his brain. As he dragged the bags he'd helped her pack through his front door, his mind whirled with thoughts of exactly what he'd got himself into. This was his second trip from the car, up to the apartment, the first time he'd practically had to carry Buffy. Losing the baby had been the final straw, it had made her so weak, he couldn't believe he hadn't noticed how thin she'd gotten, but she always looked so beautiful, it would never occur to him to think otherwise.

Now there she was, half asleep on his sofa, and he realised that would be his bed from now on, until she was strong enough to move back to her own place. When that time came, would he be glad or pained? There was no way of knowing, no way of knowing how the next few days or possibly weeks would pan out, and that scared Spike to death, though he'd never admit it.

Buffy feigned sleep as she heard the front door open again and Spike barrelled into the apartment with her luggage. She wasn't entirely sure how she felt about living with her best friend right now. Before the event that she referred to in her mind as 'that night', it would have made no difference to her. In fact, she would have been more than happy to have lived with Spike forever, he was her best friend after all. Now she had feelings she had to hide on top of feelings the doctors had told her she should share, along with emotions she didn't want and couldn't name.

The guilt over her non-child was still strong, but so was her attraction to Spike she realised as she watched him through half closed eyes. Was it wrong to spend half her time thinking about him that way? Should she not be guilty a hundred percent of the time? But she couldn't be. A small part of her, a small but significant part, was sort of relieved and almost glad that the child she feared, would never be born.

This tiny part of her made the rest of her feel so much more guilty, because who would wish the death of their own child? But the father was no longer her lover, not even the man she loved if she were honest, at least she didn't think so. She had thought before that she could live without him though, and yet when she saw him again, she knew she'd deny him nothing and be his forever.

Tears streaked her face again as she realised he never would want her again, and not because she really wanted him to want her, but because she believed he was the only one that ever would. Ultimately, Buffy wanted Spike to want her and to love her just like he'd seemed to that night when...no, to think of it was wrong, what with the loss her baby and everything, how could she be so callous? Besides which, it was over, and she could not expect Spike to love her that way again even if he had before, she'd treated him so badly. She'd make do with them being friends again, just friends and nothing more. Hopefully in time, the torch that burned inside of her, the torch of love for this man, would find a way to put itself out before she combusted.

"Buffy, luv" he said softly, his hand on her shoulder trying to get her attention.

Her eyes opened slowly and he tried not to look directly into them for fear he'd do something they could both regret, "I'm just gonna fetch some things from the store" he told her, "I'll be five minutes, okay?"

She nodded that she'd be fine in his absence, but didn't say a word. She was less in a daze today and Spike was glad of it, although she still barely spoke and he wished she would if it were only words of guilt and sadness that emerged, he just couldn't stand her silence, it was not like her at all.

Trying to think of things other than Buffy had been tough enough for Spike anyway but now she was staying with him, he was going to spend all day looking after her, well, what chance did he stand of removing her from his mind?

Out of sight should have meant out of mind, but her absence had not made him forget her, not even a little bit, now she was going to be around him twenty-four-seven, he was just going to have to learn to love her as a friend again and not the way he really did. It was going to be mission practically impossible but he was going to have to try.

A week passed, then another. Every night of the first week Spike got Buffy to the bedroom and he himself slept on the sofa. In the mornings he'd help her back to the couch and she'd remain there most of the day while he fussed over her.

By the next week she was a little stronger, didn't need his help as much but it didn't occur to either of them for her to leave yet. She didn't really want to eat, but he made sure she did, she didn't want to talk though he tried to encourage her, but never was Angel or the almost-baby or 'that night' mentioned in any of their conversations.

They stuck to neutral topics, the weather and their friends and what was on TV, and they were both silently torn between being glad that the complicated subjects were being left alone, and upset that they couldn't have that closeness they once had. Both wondered if it would ever be possible for them to get back to that wonderful friendship they'd had before, after all that had happened, it certainly didn't seem like it so far.

Talking was the least of their worries, contact was worse. It was easier now Spike didn't need to help Buffy move around so much. Before he'd had to half carry her from the sofa to the bed, she was so weak. Being that close to each other, unaware that the other was just as nervous about it as they were, it had been hell for both of them, trying to restrain themselves, if only they had known that they didn't have to.

At the same time, Willow and Xander visited as often as they thought they should, the two also having to restrain themselves in front of their friends, believing it was never the right time to spill about their relationship. When Spike left the room and Buffy's eyes were closed, the red-head and brunette would share meaningful glances or squeeze each others hands. It was hard but the last thing either of them wanted to do was upset Spike or Buffy, their friends just meant too much to them.

It was just over three weeks since Buffy had moved in with Spike and she was looking and feeling much better than she had. Spike made a good nurse, as strange as it sounded, and he'd been incredible when it came to tending to Buffy's every need.

It was Friday evening and Xander had picked Willow up from work and driven them both to Spike's apartment to visit their friends. Nothing particularly unusual except Willow couldn't take the secrets anymore and tonight was the night when the truth came out.

"Are you sure about this Will?" Xander checked as he stopped the car outside the apartment block.

"Xander I know we had good reasons not to tell Spike and Buffy about us" she sighed, "but they're our best friends and I hate keeping this from them. They can't be anymore hurt by the truth than by us lying to them"

Her boyfriend gave her a look and Willow sighed.

"Okay so maybe they could" she conceded, "but you know I'm a terrible liar and I just want them to know how happy I am with you"

Xander smiled a her words. He agreed with her in that he did want Buffy and Spike to know that they were in love and so happy. He wanted to share his joy with his best friends more than anything but he couldn't help worrying it would make Spike feel worse, maybe Buffy too.

"Let's do it" Xander nodded as they both got out of the car, joining hands as they reached the door to the apartment block and went inside. 

The elevator took them up to the correct floor and in moments they were faced with the front door of the apartment where there two best friends were currently living together. It was Willow who knocked on the door and Spike who answered it.

"Xander, Willow, good to see you" he smiled, but it was clear his heart wasn't in it and Xander knew the plan had gone out of the window as her hand slid out of his.

"Are you okay?" the red head asked her British friend as she gestured for them to come inside.

"If you'd asked me yesterday I'd have said not so bad" Spike told them as they came inside and he closed the door behind them, "but I just had my boss on the phone, I lost my job" he sighed.

"Oh no" Willow sympathised a little too loudly.

"Volume down, Red" he begged, "Buffy's in the bath and she doesn't know, I don't want her to find out yet either"

"How come the sudden unemployment?" Xander all but whispered as the three friends sat down in the living room, Willow on the sofa with him, Spike in the chair.

"Too much time off" Spike shrugged, "I half expected it really, but what could I do? I had to be here for Buffy"

There was silence from his friends who couldn't help but marvel at just how committed Spike was to Buffy, at how in love he was, but then it shouldn't seem so strange, they were equally as in love with each other.

"I s'pose it's her you came to see really, right?" Spike asked them, referring to his short-term room-mate.

"We didn't really come for a specific reason" Willow shook her head and Xander bit his lip. Wills hated to lie, but she was good at it when she felt it had to be done.

Buffy soon emerged from the bathroom and the four friends talked semi-comfortably for a while before the blonde girl got hungry and offered to get something for everyone to eat.

"I'll do that, luv" Spike said standing up but Buffy protested.

"I know you're trying to help, but I'm not an invalid, Spike, I can fix something simple" she told him, rising from her seat too.

"How about I help you?" he made a compromise and she agreed, causing Willow and Xander to share a look as the blonde couple left the room.

"They're so cute" Willow smiled sadly, "How can they not be together?"

"I don't know" Xander shook his head, "And hey, I thought we were supposed to be telling them about us" he whispered.

"I'm sorry, baby" he red head told him, taking hold of his hand, "I do want to, it's just...they're not happy and I just can't rub their noses in our good-ness"

"Hey guys" Buffy called, sticking her head back into the room, causing her friends to drop each others hands immediately and shuffling nervously, all of which Buffy noticed, "supplies are low in here so I'm thinking we throw some fries in the microwave and order a pizza instead. What do you say?"

"Er, well, actually, we should probably go" Willow stammered, knowing Buffy must have seen something and unable to go through with lying anymore.

"Will" Xander hissed, "She said pizza!" he protested, he didn't want to miss that. Ignoring him, she got up to leave and hoped he'd follow, which he grudgingly did.

"Yeah, Buff, we ought to be heading home" he nodded, "to our respective homes, Will to her home and me to mine, y'know" he rambled as they both headed for the door.

"Bye Spike" they both called through to the kitchen before also saying goodbye to Buffy and disappearing before anything else could be said or done.

"Bye" Spike said too late, appearing behind Buffy in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room.

"Those two are acting very wei..." Buffy began, changing her mind halfway and gasping "oh my God!" 

"Oh your God, what?" Spike asked with a frown and she turned to look at him.

"Willow and Xander" she said slowly "I think they're...together" 

"You mean like..._together_?" Spike checked with that certain type of emphasis on the word and his friend nodded that he was right "Huh, who'd a thought it?" Spike smirked as he looked towards the door Willow and Xander had just gone through.

"Yeah..." Buffy sighed, following his line of sight to the closed door.

"Best friends in love" Spike said with a sad smile as he turned back into the kitchen "Almost like a fairytale, innit?" 

"Yeah" Buffy sighed, not moving at all "a fairytale" 

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To Be Continued


	20. Normal Again ?

A/N : Hello there, gentle viewers..er, I mean, readers...my god that was freaky, I think I was channelling Andrew! Yikes! Anyway, on with the important Spuffy fic! This chapter is a little short but I loved writing it and I'm pretty sure you'll enjoy reading it, although I must apologies in advance for the slight cliffhanger at the end...Thanks for all the wonderful reviews; bherycherry, RoboShiflo, SpIkEs AnGeL, SouthernRain, Annette, tinkerbell42, Azrielle, SlayerGirl1, tears-of-silver, fictionfreak2 - you guys rock! And I think you'll all approve of this chapter, I'm hoping so anyway, so here it is...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 20 - Normal Again?

After Willow and Xander left the apartment, Spike and Buffy decided that ordering a pizza was still a good plan. They managed to make conversation until it arrived and carried on as they ate. Things were getting easier, more comfortable again and they really needed to. The two best friends were really starting to feel like that's what they were again - truly best friends, nothing more, nothing less, whether they liked it or not.

When the last of the pizza had been eaten, Buffy took the boxes to the trash and got a drink for both her and Spike. He insisted on doing it or at least helping but she told him he'd done quite enough for her the past few weeks and she was okay now, at least physically fit enough to take out trash and fetch drinks, how much energy did it really take?

When the blonde finally made it back to the living room with a bottle of beer in each hand, Spike was on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table, watching TV.

"Whatcha watchin'?" Buffy asked him, yawning her head off afterwards, it had been a long day.

"Some movie..." Spike replied absently, eyes on the screen, at least until Buffy shoved his feet off the table so she could put the beer down. "Stupid bint's trying to stop a wedding" he said next, gesturing towards the TV and ignoring Buffy's glare, if he wanted his feet on his own table he would bloody well have them there! Still, he didn't put them back "reckons she's in love with the groom or something" he continued his explanation of the movie as Buffy came to sit close beside him.

"Doesn't sound so bad" she shrugged and he just smirked at her.

"Total chick flick luv, not really my cup of tea" he shook his head and she was about to answer when she spotted a guy she liked on the TV and pointed at him.

"Ooh, he's cute" she nodded appreciatively of the man she'd spotted as she made herself comfortable on the couch, her head leaning on Spike's shoulder, making him feel things he wished he didn't. She finally seemed to feel completely comfortable being close to him again, and he wasn't going to spoil it.

"Your reason for watching this movie is cos you just spotted some guy you think is cute?" he asked her, despite the fact he could no longer see her face, his arm winding around her for lack of anywhere else to go.

"You have a better reason for watching other than the fact you like Julia Roberts?" she retorted, her arm also finding it had few places to reside and ending up around her friend.

"Yes, actually" he answered back, desperately trying to keep his breathing even and the conversation going, because God help him if things got quiet and he had to think about what was happening he was going to do something stupid.

"Well...?"she prompted when he didn't continue.

"I can't be arsed to move and find the remote" he grinned as she moved her head to look up at him.

"Typical" she giggled, playfully swatting him for being so lazy and daring to admit it, but she turned more serious again as she glanced back at the TV, pointing and sighing "Oh look" as she saw a wedding scene and the bridesmaid who'd been in love with the groom giving her congratulations to the happy couple. Two girls soon appeared on stage and began to sing The Way You Look Tonight causing another sigh from the blonde girl leaning on Spike.

"I love this song" she said not so much to him or anyone in particular, and it was all Spike could do not to turn around and kiss her. Did she have to be so bloody sweet? Did her body have to fit so perfectly against his? Did she have to smell so nice?

"Stupid bint let him marry the blonde piece?" he snorted in disgust at the TV, desperate to think of something else, hopefully starting a small argument, that would stop the thoughts he was having "Must be off her bleedin' bird"

"She loves him enough to let him go" came Buffy's reply in a whisper, she obviously did not feel like arguing.

"And whats she got to show for it?" Spike continued "Some poofter! Never gonna get anywhere dancing around with him is she?"

At that, Buffy burst into giggles.

"Do you have no romance in you, Spike?" she asked, glancing up at him with eyes he could drown in, so he looked away, back at the TV for lack of anywhere else to look.

"Romance is for ponces" he muttered half-heartedly and Buffy just smiled as her head dropped back onto Spike's shoulder and they watched the end of the movie in silence.

As the credits finished rolling and the screen went briefly black, Spike realised from Buffy's even breathing and complete silence that she had fallen asleep. He could've moved her slightly and escaped her clutches or even woken her up, he was sure she wouldn't have minded, but he didn't want to.

It had been too long since they'd done something like that, sat together comfortably, arms around each other, watching TV. It wasn't as comfortable as it used to be, not after all that had happened and all that he felt, but it was close enough for now.

**Edited 01.05.05 - Spike sings the first four lines of 'The Way You Look Tonight' to Buffy as she sleeps. This has been removed due to the lyrics ban enforced at smiled as she stirred ever so slightly, not knowing she was not quite asleep and had heard his lullaby, a smile on her lips as she shifted closer to him, never wanting to leave his arms. Dropping a kiss on top of her head and holding her close, he closed his own tired eyes and let sleep come to him too, knowing he would not dream tonight, since having her there was like a dream come true.**

They both slept all night through, not stirring once until a noise at the front door made Spike wake up with a jolt, the shifting of his body making Buffy open her eyes too.

"What happened?" Buffy asked, sitting up just a little and rubbing sleep from her eyes.

"Reckon we fell asleep, luv" Spike told her, "Must have been more comfortable than we thought"

"Yeah" Buffy smiled back, "Very comfortable"

Spike found he had to look away from her eyes and that was when he spotted an envelope under the front door. Presumably whoever put it there was the culprit that had woken himself and Buffy, but his mail didn't get delivered to the door, it got left in the box downstairs so...

Getting up and going over to the door, he pulled the white envelope from beneath it and frowned at the fact it said just 'Buffy' on the front in neat handwriting.

"S'for you, pet" he made a face as he handed it to her and a frowned covered her own face as she yawned and opened up the envelope.

"I don't believe it" she gasped as her eyes travelled over the first few lines of writing.

"What's wrong?" Spike asked, only half paying attention, as he returned from the kitchen where he'd taken the beer bottles from last night. When he saw how pale she was he moved to her side and sat down beside her as she slumped back onto the sofa.

The girl shook her head as she began to read the letter aloud.

"My dear Buffy, you will be surprised to know that this letter is from someone you've never really met - I now go by the name Darla Johnson, but you would know me as Mrs Darla O'Connor..."

To Be Continued

A/N2 : Anyone know what movie they were watching? Spike-bots for those who guess correctly, answers in the reviews please, lol. Anyway, as always, please review and I'll update very soon.

Extra disclaimer : Neither the song 'The Way You Look Tonight' or the mentioned movie it was featured in belong to me.


	21. Darla's Letter

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A/N : This chapters a little shorter than some of the others but I think you'll like it, at least I hope so - I enjoyed writing it. Thanks to my reviewers; buffy_freak2002, fictionfreak2, Azrielle, tears-of-silver, tinkerbell42, EvilWillow666, Karen, spikes1pet, SpIkEs AnGeL, SouthernRain, LunarFaerie, bherycherry, Spoiler Babe, RoboShiflo - you guys are the best and always make me smile. Anyone who guessed that the movie in the last chapter was My Best Friends Wedding was correct - Spike-bots for all of you smart people! ;-) Now, on with the next chapter, cos I know the cliffhanger was just plain mean, so here ya go, don't say I never give you anything, oh and there will be three more chapters after this if all goes according to plan...keep the reviews coming please...

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 21 - Darla's Letter

Spike's eyes went as wide as Buffy's as he moved to sit beside her on the sofa.

"Why's the bloody wankers Mrs writing to you?" he asked with a frown and Buffy shook her head in response. She was too shocked even to reprimand Spike on his choice of words. Buffy had no real reason to hate Darla, Angel had fooled them both for long enough. If anything, the apparently ex-Mrs O'Connor should dislike Buffy, but it didn't seem as though that was what the letter was about.

Buffy started to wonder then, about the very same question Spike just voiced. Why on earth was this woman writing to her? If she was indeed divorced from Angel or planning to be perhaps it was just going to be a page full of 'I hate Angel, so should you' or alternatively, 'You wrecked my marriage, you whore', but Buffy soon realised the writing in front of her was nothing like either of those things. 

Deciding to carry on reading aloud so Spike could hear what Darla had to say too, Buffy became the voice of the woman her ex-lover had previosuly loved as she recited the words the other blonde had written to her.

"I'm probably the last person you'd ever expect a letter from, never mind want to hear from, and it probably feels strange for you to think that I would want to write to you, but I feel like you deserve to know the truth about Angel. Please, don't stop reading yet, I know you will want to, you think I'm going to bad-mouth the man we both loved, but all I want to do is tell the truth.

I don't blame you, Buffy, for the way Angel behaved toward me, he was the way he was long before you came along. I don't know exactly how he treated you, but I can't imagine it was much better than the way he treated me. 

Sometimes he could be so kind, it felt like he loved me so much and that his whole world revolved around my happiness, I have no doubt that in the beginning this was how he was with you.

But most of the time, he was distant, he was harsh and cold, he delivered mental and sometimes physical blows. I thought I was strong for taking the abuse and staying with him, but I was weak for allowing myself to be emotionally and physically beaten down.

At one point I did walk away, but I also went back to him because he promised me the earth and assured me he'd changed and, like the woman in love that I was, I believed him and ran back into his arms.

As time went on, of course things turned nasty again, but this time it was different. I was pregannt, as you know, and the thoughts of raising a baby alone (I have no family to speak of) was far more frightening than staying with him and taking his abuse in it's many kinds.

The one and only time you and I saw each other, well it was after that moment that I asked who you were, repeatedly until he finally admitted he'd been having an affair. I was not wholly surprised, how could I be? A man that was capable of beating a woman he was supposedly in love with, why would be not be capable of cheating on her too?

The baby was born, happy and healthy, I was relieved to know, and Angel seemed to change. He doted on the child whilst we were in the hospital, and when we came home he was daddy's son, mommy barely got a look in. 

Then he got bored, just as he got bored of everything. When Jack cried, Angel complained, when I held the baby instead of him, he complained some more. Complaints turned to anger and anger to violence. I was used to his punches and I could take them, but when he raised a hand to our child...

I can't explain what happened, I'm not sure I understand it myself. I was told by a neighbour who saw it happen, who broke down the front door when he heard the commotion, that I did the only thing I could do to save my child. They called it self defence and for many legal and complex reasons it means there are no charges against me. The truth is, Buffy, Angel is dead..."

Buffy's voice ceased to be on the word 'dead', tears filled her eyes and she felt as sick as ever she had. In her distress, the letter slipped from her hand and fell to the floor. Needing to know for himself as well as for Buffy, Spike scooped up the page and read aloud, being Darla's voice for the final paragraph, right from where Buffy had left off...

"...Angel is dead and it was me that dealt the final blow. I didn't realise what I'd picked up in my hand until I'd struck him with it and he fell to the floor, dead on impact, they tell me, the iron was too heavy for him to survive.

I cannot say I regret what I did. I did love Angel, but I also loathed him, and my child deserved the life he could never have if his father continued to breathe. The point of this letter is really to tell you that Angel is gone and that as much as I know this will probably hurt you, I am not at all sorry. I know that my son, Jack, and I will have a better life now, I only hope the same will be true for you.

Be happy Buffy, don't let his shadow loom over you. He almost ruined my life, don't let him ruin yours.

Yours sincerely, Darla Johnson"

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To Be Continued...


	22. Not Again!

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A/N : Wow, so many reviews! Thanx you guys, you totally rock - SpIkEs AnGeL, bherycherry, SouthernRain, Azrielle, mar, Atterb, RougeCrayon, Rachel/rarachie, Spoiler Babe, spikewuvsbuffy, LunarFaerie, Spikes Bint. I know Angel dying was a shock and it was kinda disturbing how most poeple were glad about that, but Angel was totally mean and nasty in this fic. I could never kill the real Angel, cos usually I kinda like him, even if he is lame and his hair grows straight up and sometimes he's bloody stupid ;-) Anyway, here's the next chaper, which I apologise for in advance, but please keep in mind tht there are only two chapters to go and I did promise you a happy Spuffy ending, didn't I? Keep on reviewing please! :-)

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(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 22 - Not Again!

"Buffy?" Spike prompted some kind of reaction from the silent girl who sat staring at a non-existent spot about a foot above the carpet.

"Angel's gone?" she said in monotone "Really? Forever?" she turned her head slightly to look at him and he nodded in response.

"Yes, luv" he said gently, not sure exactly what her reaction was going to be. He wasn't wholly surprised when she burst into tears and collapsed into his arms sobbing.

"It's okay, sweetheart" he told her, rubbing a hand on her back in a soothing motion, holding onto her as she held onto him as if her life depended on it. He understood why she was upset really, she had loved the ponce after all, even if he had treated her appallingly. As her tears soaked through yet another of his shirts, Spike spared a thought for Darla. What that poor cow must have gone through being married to that bugger, but well done to her for finally bringing him down in a literal sense, at least he wouldn't hurt anyone else now.

"I'm sorry" he heard Buffy choke out and that just confused him. He held her tighter as he replied.

"Shush now, pet. You've got nothing to be sorry for" he assured her.

"I have" she protested, her sobs finally subsiding for a second as she sniffed loudly and moved to look at him "I'm so sorry and for so many things"

Spike couldn't help but smile, she looked so incredibly innocent and lost. All he wanted to do was be allowed to love her like he really wanted to and it was killing him that he couldn't. Still, he had the opportunity to make her feel better, if not himself.

"It's okay" he told her "it doesn't matter now, none of it does"

She looked thoughtfully at him before swallowing hard.

"You always understand"

"I try to..." he shrugged but never finished his sentence as Buffy's lips crashed into his. He didn't kiss her back, he was too shocked, instead he just leant back on the sofa until she became detached from his face.

All Spike could do was look at his friend in amazement and confusion as she tried to catch her breath.

"Spike..." she whispered his name and moved towards him again, the want in her eyes made him feel less good than it might have yesterday. She'd lost Angel, for good this time, that was why she wanted him he was sure. In seconds, Spike was on his feet.

"What the hell...?!" he couldn't form a whole sentenced, too shocked and disgusted that she could use him like this all over again "I can't believe you'd...I can't, I just, I can't" he ended lamely, grabbing his jacket and speeding out of the door as fast as he could, leaving a tearful and equally hurt and confused Buffy in his wake.

Knocking. Yes, someone was definitely knocking on something, possibly the door, Xander guessed as his sleep filled brain came back to reality. Willow's eyes opened and she sat up sharply as the sound reached her ears too.

"What's going on?" she asked a still half-asleep Xander. He just groaned as the noise continued.

"Just ignore it" he told her, encouraging her body back down next to his. He pulled her close and started to kiss her, but the person at the door refused to be ignored.

"Xander!" a voice joined the thumping of a fist on wood and suddenly Xander and Willow were both very awake.

"Spike?" Xander called as he hopped out of bed and pulled on his pants.

"Yeah mate, it's me" came Spike's voice, sounding decidedly pained "Can I come in?"

Xander shot a frantic look at Willow who jumped from the bed and threw on her clothes as quickly as she could.

"Just a second" Xander called to his bleach blond friend beyond the door, as he buttoned his shirt and tossed Willow her bra which he discovered between his left shoe and his underwear on the bedroom floor. Almost running to the front door and slightly out of breath, the brunette was confronted by Spike's back.

"Hey" he smiled until his friend turned around and he saw tear tracks down the man's cheeks, something he had seen no more than two or three times in the ten years or more that they'd known each other "What's wrong?" he gasped "Is it Buffy?"

"I'm such an idiot" came Spike's response as he stumbled into the apartment and landed on the sofa, running his hands back through his hair and looking like more tears could come at any moment. Xander looked to Willow as she exited the bedroom, arranging her hair. She'd heard what had been said and was so worried about her friend, but still there was a little voice in the back of head that said 'if he's so upset, at least he won't notice I just came out of Xander's bedroom looking dishevelled at eight thirty in the morning'

"What happened, Spike?" the red-head asked with concern as she came to sit beside him.

"It's that wanker Angel" he laughed humourlessly as he explained "still screwing up stuff for us even from six feet bleedin' under"

"Six feet und-...he's...?" Xander stammered, reality sinking in and shock taking over.

"Dead? Yeah, and I can't say I'm sorry, I hated the bloody ponce" Spike snorted, but sadness soon covered his features and cracked his voice again as he talked of Buffy "I thought she did too now but...I thought it was different..."

As his head went into his hands again, Xander stepped toward Willow, put a hand on her arm and silently gestured for her to come across the room with him.

"I'm gonna go check on Buffy" he whispered so that Spike wouldn't hear.

"Are you sure?" Willow asked him "Maybe I should go"

"You can't drive sweetie" Xander smiled at her eagerness to help "I can get there faster, and someone has to stay with Spike" he reasoned.

Willow agreed to the plan with a nod of her head but frowned as she glanced between her almost-in-tears friend, and her somewhat-secret boyfriend.

"What will you say to Buffy?" she asked Xander who shook his head in response.

"Hard to know, depends how upset she is...I still don't get why Spike's so upset about it" he frowned, it was a mystery, should he not be glad that Angel's finally gone for good? Something else must have happened...

"Spike" Willow called to him, as he looked up she gently asked "what exactly happened?"

Swallowing hard and breathing deeply, desperate not to cry like a poofter on his friends, the bleach blond explained.

"Got a letter from the git's wife, Buffy did" he told them "She cried over the ponce and then...God I can't believe she'd do that to me again, not after last time. _I_ could never use _her_ like that, but she..." he trailed off, staring into space, with a look on his face like he was trying to work out the most complicated of puzzles.

"She didn't try to...oh no" Willow gasped as she realised what he meant.

"Not again!" Xander groaned, it was getting ridiculous! He loved his friends, he really did, but if they didn't fix this situation soon he was going to scream and smack their heads together in the hope some sense might get knocked in.

"She wouldn't Xan" Willow protested Buffy's innocence "not after last time, not unless-"

"She loves him back?" the brunette interrupted "For real this time, like us?" the idea did seem plausible. Neither of them could believe that Buffy would risk her friendship with Spike again, not unless it was to move onto something greater.

"Exactly" Willow nodded, it was the only explanation "and I'll bet she thinks he hates her now" her triumphant smile turned into a frown at the realisation "You think we can fix this?" she asked her boyfriend, who dared to kiss her fast while Spike wasn't looking.

"Cupid, pull back your bow" he said quietly to the red-head, picking up his jacket and keys "cos I think we're gonna try"

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To Be Continued...


	23. What Friends Are For

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A/N : Well, here is the penultimate chapter. The final chapter should be done tomorrow, it won't be very long but it will be that happy ending you've all been waiting for! Thanx to all who reviewed; bherycherry, SpuffyGal03, SpIkEs AnGeL, Spikes Bint, SouthernRain, fictionfreak2, spike wuvs buffy, RoboShiflo, Azrielle, LunarFaerie, tinkerbell42, Atterb, Spoiler Babe - I can't believe so many people are still reading and enjoying this fic, but I'm glad you all like it! :-) Hope I didn't miss anyone off the list this time! Now, can Willow and Xander make Spike and Buffy see sense? Keep reading to find out...

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(For disclaimer, etc - see chapter 1)

Chapter 23 - What Friends Are For

Xander rushed to the car and jumped inside, heading for Spike's apartment as fast as he could to see Buffy. She would be in a terrible state by now, not only because Angel was dead but more-over because of Spike. Those two were his best friends, after Willow, but they drove him crazy! He wanted her, she wanted him, but never at the same time and when they did they wouldn't admit it to each other! With any luck him and Will would be able to sort them out before the day was through, at least Xander hoped so.

When he knocked on the front door of the apartment, it opened in seconds, and he saw a disappointed and tear-stained Buffy on the other side. She'd been expecting Spike, of course.

"Hey Buff" her brunette friend tried to smile, but she didn't even attempt to smile back as she collapsed into his arms, sobbing her heart out. Xander took her back to the couch and sat her down, keeping an arm around her whilst she cried. When her sobbing started to die down he tried to talk to her.

"Hey, I'm pretty sure the guy you're supposed to be crying on is English" he joked, "bleach blond hair, leather coat, currently looking a little down at my apartment?"

"Oh Xander, what have I done?" Buffy asked, looking over at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"It's not just you Buff" her friend assured her, about to explain, but she didn't give him a chance.

"I love him, I really do" she choked out, "I'm in love with him and I thought maybe he..." that was as far as she got as sadness took her voice away and Xander was kind of glad to get a word in.

"Buffy, listen for a sec, okay?" he tried to tell her and when he seemed to get her full attention, he smiled, "He loves you too, Buff, seriously, madly, deeply, the whole thing. When you tried to kiss him before, he didn't know how you felt about him, he still doesn't, he thought you were gonna use him and lose him...like last time" he added uncomfortably, he didn't want to make her feel bad about what she'd done before but it was truth time and she had to hear it.

"He loves me?" she gasped, as if it were the biggest of shocks, to her it seemed it really was, "Like I love him?" she checked.

"Yes, you big idiot" Xander all but laughed at the absurdity of these two people! "So why don't you tell him that you love him too and then you can live happily ever after, right?"

Buffy shook her head and Xander started to wonder if her and Spike would make it to couple-dom before they reached retirement age.

"But I hurt him Xand, really bad, I know I did" Buffy was close to crying again and her friend sighed.

"Y'know what?" he said seriously "You're right. You did hurt him, and yeah, it was bad" he told her, much to her shock, but he wasn't done yet "but he still loves you, and all you're achieving now by not being honest about how you feel is you're hurting him more" 

She nodded that it did make sense but she had a bad feeling that she just couldn't shake and it was fear.

"I'm just, I'm scared Xander" she told the man beside her "He's my best friend, he always has been and after last time...I couldn't lose him, I just couldn't" 

"And you won't" Xander promised, holding onto her hand "Look Buff, you've come this far, if you still love each other now and have for all this time, nothing's ever gonna break you two apart" he squeezed her hand in his and they both forced a smile.

"I hope you're right" she sniffed, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

"Hey, I know I'm right" Xander grinned his goofy grin and almost made Buffy laugh.

"Thanks Xan" she said honestly, hugging him tightly.

"No problem" he replied as he hugged her back, before gently pushing her off "now get into that bathroom and clean yourself up, so you look at least semi-attractive when Spike gets home" he mock-ordered and she jumped to it immediately. As she made to leave the room for the bathroom, she saw Xander head for the front door and frowned.

"Where are you going? 

"To send him home" the brunette answered without thinking, "he's with Wills and... "

"You set us up!" Buffy gasped in shock "You were working on me and Willow was working on Spike!"

Xander looked suddenly nervous as he shuffled his feet and looked longingly at the door he wanted to escape through.

"We just want you to be happy" he said in a small voice and Buffy couldn't help but smile.

"I know" she nodded "and I love it that you care so much, if it weren't for you..." her voice cracked a little and her eyes teared up all over again as Xander interrupted.

"If it weren't for us nothing, you two would have figured it out on your own eventually. We just gave you a little push is all" he smiled.

"No-one had to give you a push, did they?" Buffy smirked, "I'm glad you and Wills are happy together too"

"How do you...?" Xander began to ask, but Buffy had already disappeared into the bathroom. The brunette decided it really didn't matter how his friend knew that he was in love with Willow and her with him, he was just happy that everyone else was happy or at least would be soon.

As Xander was explaining to Buffy how much Spike loved her, he was equally as shocked to find out from Willow that Buffy loved him. He'd taken some convincing but he was just now starting to believe it, which actually presented a problem...

"I've spent all this time trying to tell myself I don't have feelings for her, now I don't know what I really do feel" he told the red-head beside him and Willow sighed.

"You can't switch off feelings, Spike" she shook her head for emphasis "believe me, I know, if you loved her before then you still love her now" she said confidently, before adding "...right?" in an unsure tone.

After a moments silence, Spike nodded his head positively.

"Yeah" he almost laughed "y'know I don't think I could stop even if I wanted to, well, I did want to" he realised "I tried to hate her or at least dislike her, but I failed miserably"  


"Too much miserable has been the problem with you two lately" Willow mock-scolded "You need each other" she told him "just like me and Xander need each other" she explained, having already confessed to her relationship with the brunette a little while before, Spike of course already knew just as Buffy did.  


"Is need enough?" the bleach blond frowned a little and Willow was getting tired of excuses for her two best friends not being together!  


"You love each other too" she reminded him "Come on Spike, give up being the manly man and fess up!" she demanded, much to his amusement.  


"Me? The manly man?" he almost burst out laughing at that "These days I'm ashamed to say I'm closer to the girly girl what with the real manly tears and all" he turned away from his friend, embarrassed that he'd even mentioned the possibility of himself crying.  


"Tears don't make you weak Spike, they make you human" his friend explained and he nodded.  


"I s'pose" he conceded, sighing "God, how did I get into this mess?"  


"Love's a funny thing" Willow said with one her quirky smiles, what else could she say?  


"That it is, Red" Spike smiled at her attempts to cheer him up and sort out the mess that was his love life.

When silence reigned, Willow felt he needed another push.

"So, what are you gonna do now?" she prompted.  


"Go and see Buffy I s'pose" he decided, getting to his feet "something's gotta get done about this"  


"Something good?" his friend asked hopefully and he smiled as he looked down at her sitting on the edge of the sofa.  


"Yeah, something good" he promised, before turning toward the front door. He was two steps from it when he turned back to say something else and found Willow reaching for the phone. "Oh and Will...Who are you calling?" he asked her.

"Xander" she answered sheepishly and at first he thought nothing of it, but then it occurred to him that the man had made a pretty fast exit when he'd arrived and where was he now...?  


"Hey, you didn't arrange this did you?" he demanded to know and Willow did a good impression of being shocked and affronted by such an accusation.  


"What? No, no arrangements" she shook her head violently as Spike re-closed the front door and turned back to her, arms folded over his chest in mock-annoyance.  


"So while you're here tellin' me what's what, Xander isn't having the same conversation with Buffy?" he checked, and he watched as her defences crumbled.  


"Well..." she was about to make an attempt at bending the truth but he didn't give her a chance to try.  


"Can't lie to me Red" Spike smirked "I know you too well"  


"We thought it was a good idea" Willow sighed, annoyed at being caught and a little worried she might have upset the man by lying.  


"It was a good idea" he admitted "it is, God knows we need someone to sort us two out, can't seem to do it our-bloody-selves, can we?" he said as she rose from the sofa and came over to him to give him a hug.  


"I think you can now" she told him as their arms fixed around each other for a moment.  


"Hope so" Spike sighed as they stepped away from each other again and he opened the front door "Wish me luck?" he said just before he stepped out.

"You don't need luck" Willow shook her head "you have love"

There was a genuine smile on her friends lips as he walked away from Xander's apartment and began the journey back to his own. There was a feeling inside of him that only love could cause and he couldn't wait to get home to Buffy.

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To Be Continued...


	24. Life's Too Short

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A/N : It's taken over twenty chapters, almost 50000 words, and over two months of writing and posting, but finally, here is the happy Spuffy ending that you've all been waiting for! Thanx so much to everyone who has read and reviewed the past twenty three chapters, you so deserve this happy chapter, after putting up with the angst sadness and god knows how much crying in the last twenty three! Let's keep with tradition, and I'll thank everyone who reviewed chapter 23 individually; Spikes Bint, Azrielle, Southern Rain, tinkerbell42, Chofita, spikewuvsbuffy, bheryandcherry, Lunar Faerie, SpIkEs AnGeL, RoboShiflo, SweetBitter, SlayerGirl1 - you guys rock! Enjoy the final chapter, I loved writing this story, especially this ending...

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 24 - Life Is Too Short

Anyone who saw Spike riding his motorbike from Xander's apartment to his own would surely have thought of the song Bat Out Of Hell as he tore up the road at an alarming speed. He needed to talk to Buffy, mostly just needed to be near her. When Willow had told him that the girl of his dreams must indeed be in love with him now, he'd hardly believed it, but he was starting to believe it and he so wanted it to be true. He had to know for sure and as soon as possible. The more time he was given to be glad about it, the worse his heart would break if it turned out to be untrue.

The bike's tyres screeched as Spike slammed on the brakes and very nearly hit the front of a stationary car as he pulled up outside the apartment block. The car belonged to a certain Mr Harris who was just about to get into said vehicle.

"Spike!" Xander called, as his friend dismounted and took off his helmet, but the bleach blond didn't stop to talk or even apologise, he just kept hurrying towards the doors of the building.

"Thanks mate, for everything" he called back to Xander as he went and Xander couldn't help but laugh at his behaviour, Spike never got like this about anything.

"No problem!" the brunette called back, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" he added, unsure as to whether his friend had heard him, but not worrying about it either way, he had his own girl to get back too.

The elevator had just departed as Spike reached the doors, so he took the stairs, two and three at a time, til he reached his own apartment. Once he was there, faced by the door of his own home, the door that stood between him and Buffy and possibly his entire future, all his excitement and confidence dissipated, leaving him with only nerves and panic for company.

Breathing deeply until he was no longer gasping for air, Spike took his keys from his pocket and let himself into the apartment. Buffy was sitting on the sofa, looking mostly at the floor until he came in. Her eyes immediately darted up and caught his and she smiled slightly as she greeted him.

"Hey"

"Hey, yourself" he smiled slightly as he answered, came inside, closed the door behind him and turned around to face her again. She was on her feet by now, just a yard or so of grey carpet between them. Silence reigned and their looks turned serious for a moment.

"I'm sorry" they said in perfect unison, breaking the silence and causing them both to smile again.

Spike was about to open his mouth to say something else when Buffy spoke instead.

"Look, I have a lot of stuff I think I need to say" she told him, trying her best to look him in the eye but finding it very daunting all of a sudden "so I'm just going to say it and I'd appreciate it a lot if you'd just let me say it all before you said anything back, okay?"

Not knowing what he wanted to say yet anyway, Spike simply nodded and waited to hear what Buffy had to say to him. With a deep breath she finally managed to look him directly in the eye as the words she said came straight from her heart.

"I've done quite a few things I'm not proud of lately, but the stupidest thing I did wasn't staying with Angel and, before you say it, it wasn't spending that night with you. The most stupid thing I ever did was lie to my best friend. I swore I would never do that, Spike, but the last few weeks I've been living a lie, denying feelings that I was afraid of, but when I got that letter, I realised life's too short to be scared by what might happen ...Spike, I love you, you know that, but what you maybe don't realise is that I'm _in_ love with you and I have been for a while now..." she trailed off, tears glistening in her eyes and she noticed they were in his too. There was complete silence and it was slowly deafening Buffy.

"Spike, please, say something" she begged, but he still didn't say a word. Instead he covered the ground between the two of them in less than two strides, and before Buffy knew what was happening, his lips were on hers. The girl was shocked but so completely in heaven that the surprise of it barely registered on the scale as Spike kissed her and she kissed him back in equal measure until oxygen finally became an issue quite a while later.

"Wow" she accidently said aloud as she tried to get her breath back and her head only swam faster when Spike began to speak.

"Elizabeth Anne Summers, I love you more than life itself" he told her honestly, his arms still around her waist where they had gone during the kiss "I'm so deeply in love that it's killing me, but right now I don't care if it does, because I'd die a happy man just knowing you feel the same"

"I do, William" Buffy replied, finally able to breathe correctly "I truly do. I only wish I'd have realised sooner..."

Spike interrupted her with a shake of his head.

"That doesn't matter now" he told her, his grip tightening on her body like he never wanted to let go, well, he didn't "what matters is that we both realise what we have now, and we're never going to let it go" the last few words were barely a whisper before he claimed her lips again. Her arms wound around his neck and pulled him closer to her, but they could never get close enough this way. As hands began to roam, Spike manoeuvred them towards the bedroom door, but Buffy pulled away.

"No" she gasped for air so she could speak.

"What?" Spike asked worriedly, he thought she wanted the same thing he did, it certainly felt like she did.

"Hold that thought" Buffy smiled, assuring him he had no need to worry as she slipped out of arms and hurried to the stereo. He watched, confused as hell, as she selected a CD and put it on, one of her discs he noticed that she'd had him bring over for her.

"What are you doing?" he had to ask, although the answer to that question was fairly obvious, he was intrigued to know _why_ she was putting on music at a time like this.

"You think I didn't hear you?" she smirked as a familiar song filled the room and Spike just looked as his feet, as he realised she'd heard him sing to her yesterday, the little minx hadn't been asleep at all. Buffy herself realised it was not often she saw Spike blush, but he looked even more cute when he did, if that were possible.

"When this happens for the first time" Buffy said shyly as she came back into his embrace "I want it to be special...perfect"

"Buffy, luv, you do remember we had sex before, right?" Spike frowned a little and she couldn't help but giggle at his strange expression.

"Yes, we did" she admitted, before turning very serious all of a sudden "but this time we're going to make love"

He knew precisely what she meant by that as he kissed her again, before she led him into the bedroom. It wasn't about sex, it was about so much more than that. It wasn't just the joining of two bodies, but the joining of two hearts and two souls. It was more magical than either of them had ever experienced before, even with each other, because this time, they knew they loved each other so much, and that if the whole world ended tomorrow, that fact would always be true.

~~~THE END~~~

****

A/N2 : Well, what's the verdict? You like it? Final reviews are very welcome. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Coming Soon to a Fanfiction.net page near you! - New Fics by Ultrawoman!

'Trouble With Boys' - the long awaited sequel to 'The Guy Next Door'

and

'One Wild Night' - a brand new Spuffy Fantasy-fic


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